i'm coming home, tell the world that i'm coming home...

this time last week, i was a day into my trip home to Tulsa. it was one of just a few times that i wasn't there at the same time as my aunts and uncles who live out of town. but, you know, it was nice to spend a lot of time with my grandmother. the day i left she told me she was going to miss me, and tears came to my eyes. i've had this feeling for the past few years that i would move back to Tulsa within the next few years, and her saying that to me made me realize that until i move back, i need to come home more often. all and all, my time at Tulsa was great. i went with my sister, brother, and grandmother where our mom and grandfather are buried. here's a pic of me, my brother, and our grandmother:

i would post a pic of my sister, but she would kill me. lol... she didn't  like any of the pics of her and i know she wouldn't want them on the web.

after we went out to the cemetery, we dropped my brother off at work, and my sister, her friend, our grandmother, and i went to our uncle's restaurant on Skiatook Lake. this is also where we had my grandmother's 80th birthday party. i wish i'd gotten pics of the property, because it's simply gorgeous.

i also went to the church i grew up in, and it's always nice to go back there. even though i haven't been a regular member there in over a decade, so many people show me so much love and are some of my biggest fans. one guy that's like (another) younger brother to me mentioned that i was moving closer and closer to Tulsa and when i told him i was thinking about moving to Tulsa he said, "yeah, i know you are. and when i come back, i'm going to work for you as a social worker. i think you'd make a great administrator. what we need is a boys academy, especially since they closed 14 schools here... i'm telling you, i think you should do it." it mad me laugh, but also planted a seed. i'm reaching out to TFA to see what leadership opportunities exist in Oklahoma. so, we'll see...

when i came back home, i felt renewed and refreshed. the last time i blogged, i mentioned that JE and i were going to take a break. now, i'm not as gung ho for that. he and i had a come to Jesus conversation and i expressed all my doubts and concerns and frustrations about certain issues. and, you know, he's kicked into high gear since then. two of my major concerns have been addressed and i feel a lot happier. i'm starting to see the man i was attracted to when we first started dating. a number of setbacks had caused that man to go into hiding. so, time will tell what happens, but right now, it's looking up. his b-day was yesterday, so i had a Miami Heat themed cake made for him:

The baker is a woman i went to church with in Tulsa, who lives in Austin now and has her own catering and pastry business. the cake is VERY good. as a matter of fact, i want to have a piece right now. alas, it's not my cake.

so, i done a lot of praying and thinking about plans for the fall. it finally came to me that i didn't need to work two 20 hour/week jobs. i can keep my job with the school district, and be ok as far as money. most importantly, it would allow me to keep my sanity, and focus on doing two things well, instead of three. my job with the school district was supposed to move to 20 hours/week starting in July. key words: supposed to. i found out today that the budget is still being worked on, and it looks like the money to fund my position at 20 hours won't come through until September. i wanted to say, "are you kidding me?" instead, i said ok, but later on sent an e-mail to my manager to clarify that it would be moving to 20 hours per week by September, and explained that i needed to know so i could decide whether or not to resign from my other job. honestly, though, i'm not too surprised this is happening, since our district is facing a budget crisis. (just Google Austin ISD budget to get an idea of the extent of the problem.) I just don't like the fact that i was being told this information now, as if i don't have bills to pay. i have the money to make it until September with one job, but it's not cool to assure me of something and then suddenly, be like, oh, sorry, we can't do it yet. smh... on a brighter note, i had my yearly appraisal, and my manager rated me very well on everything. she had nothing but good things to say, and we had a good conversation about goals for the coming year. she mentioned that i exceeded expectations in the professionalism and poise area. i couldn't help but laugh to myself since i was inwardly ticked off about the hours situation.

all and all, though life is good. i'm thankful for every facet of my life right now. :-) until next time...

chasing pavements...

*i was gonna tell this story in my previous post, but decided to make it a separate post.*

each time i go home and see my father, i have to remind myself of that Bible verse, "Honor your father and mother." the honoring your mother part is easy for me; when she was alive it was a no brainer and now that she's gone, it's even more important. but, my father? sigh... i've blogged in depth about him here and here . so, before i came home, i spoke with him a few times, and each time he asked about going to where my mom is buried and laying a wreath. (my mom and grandpa are buried at a cemetery in the country, that's about 45 minutes away from Tulsa, so it's not as if he could just go out there himself.) so, i said, ok, if that's what you want to do, that's fine. he's never been to her grave site, so... the day after i arrive i go by to see  my father and he asked about going to the grave site, and i asked him what day he wanted to go. he asked me when i wanted to go, and i said i didn't care when we went. so, we decided on Saturday at 9:00 a.m. I tell him I'll call on Friday to confirm. i also ask if he's going to forget and he says he won't forget. on Friday night i call him, and i can tell he's been drinking. cool, whatever, he's grown. he says he'll call me back but doesn't. yet, he never mentions anything about the cemetery. before, i had a feeling he was going to bail on me. so, i'd already made plans to take my sister, brother, and grandmother out to the country and that's why we went on Friday afternoon.

nevertheless, i woke up on Saturday morning, bathe, dress, and call him. his woman says he went to the store. i'm like, oh, ok, he's up. so, i go and get a wreath at Family Dollar, and drive to their apartment. i get there, he asks how i'm doing, and says he's not doing too well. then he goes to take a shower. his woman then comes in and tells me that he's depressed and she's been trying to cheer him up all morning. i mean, i knew he was depressed, especially since his brother died very suddenly . also, the anniversary of my mother's death was last week, and he's never gotten over that. (well, none of us have ever "gotten over" her death, but you can tell he's still deeply affected by it, 7 years later.)  all of that is why i thought he was going to decide not to go to the cemetery. and, i was fine with that. it's up to him to want to go. after he showers and dresses, he comes out and asks me, "so, what are up to this morning?" i look at him for a moment and say, "oh, nothing." i didn't even address the cemetery because i was shocked that he was just gonna play me like that. i mean, why would i be over there on a Saturday morning? i don't go over there to just kick it. (i'd also told him i don't go like to get up early.) also, we had discussed the trip at length. so, i left. he and his woman were going to her family's reunion. (i knew about this, and my father had said she would be upset if he didn't go, but he didn't care because that was her family, not his, blah,blah, blah). they both invited me to the family picnic, which was a few blocks from my grandparents' house, and he also said for me to come by the next day since they were grilling. but, i didn't go to either one of those gatherings. as a matter of fact, i didn't even go by and say my good-byes.  honestly, i wasn't mad or even sad about the blow off. i was just...tired. tired of making an effort and seemingly getting nowhere. so, for now, i'll just continue to pray for my father and get my distance.