moving on...

I had a great trip to Tulsa. I left Wednesday and got back tonight. On Saturday, I went with my aunt and siblings to the cemetery where our mom and her father are buried. I managed to hold myself together until, towards the end, when my aunt and brother started sharing stories about my mom, many of which I'd never heard before. When my aunt finished, she left the three of us at the plot and I just broke down. I couldn't hold back the tears and I couldn't cry quietly. That's never happened (at the cemetery)... in 11 years... not even on the day of her funeral. The three of us just held each other and sobbed.  Part of the reason that I came home is the past few months have been challenging. I really need my mom and since I can't talk to her, I needed to be with my family. I left feeling better prepared to deal with life in Austin.

Speaking of Austin, my days here are numbered, I think. I received my lease renewal offer. If I stay here another year, I'll be paying an extra $50 per month. The rent already went up by $45 per month when I renewed last year. I can swing the extra $50, but I really have to ask myself if it's worth paying nearly $1000 per month for a 1 bedroom apartment in a city that I don't love, for another year. The short answer is no. I'm also looking at the fact that my salary isn't increasing and... I just don't know. I'm going to look at other apartments, but I worry that I'll find the same issue. Also, if I factor in the cost of moving, it might make more sense to just stay here. I also have the option to pay $75 more per month, for seven months. That would buy me more time to plan an out, but it's still $75 more per month. The cost of living in this city is out of control!

JE is still here... However, all of his things are at the door, ready for him to take them to his car sometime tomorrow. I'm proud that I didn't tear up when I saw his stuff sitting there. Progress! We'll see how tomorrow goes. In six years, he's never seen me cry and I don't want tomorrow to be that day. On another note, I suppose it's telling that in all this time, I never allowed him to see that side of me. Well, I guess that's neither here nor there at this point.

So, the guy that I met at the HBCU fair (back in the winter)  and I are getting to know one another. (Before now, communication was spotty because I told him I was still in a relationship and because he has like 5 jobs... now that summer's here, he has like 3.) He's cool though quite different from JE. College Fair (that's his name for now) also likes me... a LOT and has no trouble expressing it. I mean, that he's into me is not surprising since I'm pretty awesome. ;-)  I'm just not sure what to make of it. JE came on very strongly and I dove in feet first and, well, we see how that ended. But, I'm trying my best to live in this moment and not bring in the baggage of the past. I'm also feeling funny about dating someone so soon after ending a long term relationship. But, to be honest, I mentally checked out of the relationship several months ago. (My doubts started right around my birthday in November and it all went down hill from there.) So, technically, I've been ready for someone new for going on 8 months. Still, I'll ask my therapist what she thinks. I'm supposed to meet with her on Friday.

While in Tulsa, I met with my friend and his father regarding a non-profit that they're starting. They're technically my first clients for my consulting business. We had an awesome session and as I was working with them, I realized that I finally found the thing that I would do for free. Well, I am doing it for free. LOL! But, I don't mind working with them, to get clear on their program goals, data collection, research needs, etc. I think it helps that a) we've known each other nearly all of our lives and b) my friend and his dad are actually willing to do the work that's needed. It makes my job so much easier. Anyway, working with them has given my confidence that I'm on the right path.

A few weeks ago, I fired my website designer. Our working styles just didn't mesh and I didn't feel comfortable giving her more money.

Anyway, let me go to bed. I was off my schedule while in Tulsa, so now it's back to reality and the grind.

until next time...

the saga continues...

so, JE is still living at my apartment. about a day or two after I wrote that last blog post, I had a feeling that he'd ask for an extension... at the last minute. Six years of being with someone will cause that to happen, I guess. Anyway, sure enough, on June 14, the move out deadline, he comes to me and says he needs more time. Of course, I was furious, and expressed that to him. While I am sad that things are ending, I am ready to move on with my life. We had a long conversation about things, and it was again confirmed that I can't be in a relationship with him. There's just too many things that we don't see eye-to-eye on and never will. Side note: I've learned a lesson about being in a relationship with my opposite. You can be opposites as far as introversion/extroversion, tastes, hobbies, etc. But, you need some common ground on values and beliefs.

At the end of the discussion, I made it clear that he still needed to move out and he said it understood that. There's a part of me that feels weak for giving in, but the other part of me knows I can't, in good conscience, allow someone to live on the street. A few weeks ago, I was reading about the death of John Nash and his wife. Apparently, though they were divorced for a period of time, she still took care of him. While my situation is not the same, I can understand why she did that. So, JE will be staying with me for a few more weeks.

In the past few weeks, I've been toying with the idea of quitting my job in late August/early September. Ideally, I'd have a new job by then. Then again, maybe not, and I don't want to be stuck in a holding pattern. I've been looking at my retirement contributions, and while there's not a lot of money in there, there's enough for me to live comfortably for the rest of the year. Of course, I'll have to pay a penalty for withdrawing the money early, but at this point, I don't care. The money that's in there has drawn little interest, and last year, the retirement system actually reduced the rate from 5% to 2%. :-( Plus, I can't even retire for another 30+ years anyway, so... Of course, the level headed part of me says to not act rashly. But, I'm tired of being level headed. I'm always level headed.

Earlier this week, I went to happy hour with some of my co-workers. Our entire department has happy hours, but this one was with the group of people that I actually like. LOL! Of course, we discussed our frustrations with our department, and then the conversation turned to starting our own consulting firm. As I've mentioned before, I'm working on starting my own consulting business for non-profits. I mean, the LLC is approved, so I'm officially in business, but I'm still working on officially launching. Anyway, one guy (who's on my team) was mentioning how much money there is for educational consulting. I knew that, but decided to focus on non-profits, because after nearly 8 years in education, I'm weary. BUT... I'm much more inclined to work with a group of people. Long story short, everyone said they would be interested, and they started deciding on titles... it was decided that I should be the CEO, in large part because I would keep them in line. LOL!

Of course, we were all a little tipsy, so minds can change, but I really think we could make it happen. I respect and like everyone that was sitting around that table and would feel good about working with them. However, even if it doesn't work out, it gave me confidence that I'm going in the right direction... that my idea to start this business isn't fly by night and has value.

For the whole week, I've been feeling a little down and yesterday's news about the South Carolina tragedy took me even further down. I've been at work, but haven't gotten much done, haven't made much progress on my consulting business (other than firing my web designer), so this blog post has been the most productive thing I've done all week. Hopefully it's the start of me getting back into gear. Oh, and I'm going home next week! :-D 

until next time...

things fall apart...

This is going to be a long summer. So, last month, I gave JE a deadline by which he needed to move out... I’d discussed how to approach it w/ my therapist. Of course, things rarely go as planned. He did something while I was getting ready for work one morning that irritated me and I just blurted it out: he had one month to move out. Smh… he took it well, and I went on to work. When I got home, we discussed it even further. Well, discussed isn’t the right word. He basically asked if I thought him moving out in was the best solution, I said yes, and he asked if I was sure. I said that I was, and that was that. The past month has been awkward, to say the least. We live in the same place, but it’s like two ships passing in the night. I hate that things have come to this, but I honestly feel that this is the only way for me to get him to see just how fed up I am… otherwise, he won't take me seriously. 

Fast forward to this evening, I came home from work to find him in the bedroom, filling a massive garbage bag. Apparently, he was throwing away things that he no longer needed. How he amassed so much stuff, I’ll never know. He took the garbage down to his car (to take to the dumpster), and as I watched from the dining room window, I burst into tears. I noticed he'd taken down the pictures that he around the apartment and that his side of the closet looked the neatest it's ever been, and I had a vision of that space being completely empty. While I know that this is what needs to happen, my heart broke into a million pieces, because things didn’t have to end this way. When we started dating six years ago, this wasn’t the plan. For the past month, I’d been so focused on mentally reviewing all the reasons a split is necessary, that I didn’t allow myself to feel the sadness of it. By Sunday, he’ll be gone and this chapter of our lives will be closed. 

Tomorrow, I have a session with my business coach and so I’m supposed to be completing some pre-work. But, I can barely get through it. I’ve had to stop several times because of the tears. I absolutely did not prepare myself for how painful this process would be and how in the midst of it all, I have to go on, business as usual. Only one person, besides my therapist, knows what’s happening. And that one another person is due to deliver her second child tomorrow. So, here I am, until my Thursday evening session with my therapist.

This is going to be a long summer. 

Until next time…