you must not know 'bout me...

I don't even know where to begin with this story, but let me forewarn you that i'll be venting. so, if you don't feel like reading a venting post, go ahead and click that little x in the upper right hand corner.
so, in my last post, i talked about how i wasn't liking my summer job and was on the lookout for another one. yesterday, i swear to God, i almost typed up my two week's notice and began making plans for a long visit to Tulsa. i'm feeling homesick and need to go home for a while. anyway, back to the story. so, yesterday i went to this presentation held by another division within the department where i work. now, one of my managers said for me to go because it would be good for me to go and learn more about the department. so, i saw ok, rush over to the hotel where it's being held and proceed to waste 2+ hours of my life. it turns out the presentation was about teacher certification in TX. seeing as i'm recently certified in TX, i know the procedures and processes. also, the presenters were the worst EVER! basically they could have just given me the printed PP presentation and i'd left with the same information as them just reading off the slides. usually i don't mind doing something like that on company time, but i had stuff to do at the office, and since i'm only part time, i don't have time to waste. so, after the presentation my manager asks me if i'm going back to the office. (uhm, yeah, where else would be going? it's only 2:30.) she then tells me that there are some corrections to some one pagers i wrote that she left for me. internally, i sighed because i wrote this June 17 and don't understand why she's just now bringing them up. but, i said ok and headed back to the office.

i get back to my desk and look over the documents she left for me and immediately became incensed. first, there were corrections noted that i'd already taken care of on June 17. second, many of the documents looked nothing like what i had saved and printed. there was missing information, huge spacing gaps, etc. it looked a mess. and third, there were several content edits. now, when i sent the one pagers initially she gave me feedback on what needed to be changed and i changed it and sent it back to her. after i sent it, she said they looked "great" and that was the end of that. i moved onto other projects. so, what happened is that my manager then sent those one pagers to her manager for review. (the one pagers will be used in a presentation about our division, so i guess that's why she wanted to look over them.) and, you know i don't mind several people looking over my work, i really don't. BUT, i don't like being told something is great and then receiving feedback that says otherwise. for the life of me i don't know why my manager didn't tell me that she thought they were great, but that she was going to send them to her manager to get her input. then i would have been prepared for another round of edits. but, what bothered me most was how different what i had sent looked from what was ultimately submitted to my manager's manager. it gave off the vibe that i do not pay attention to details, didn't care about the presentation, and those things speak to my professionalism. since my manager didn't come back from the hotel with me, i went ahead and e-mailed her and explained the discrepancies and explained how i was concerned that my professionalism was being called into question. i then told her i didn't know why the discrepancies occurred, but suspected they were the result of us using different copies and asked if she wanted me to put what i had on the drive our department shares so we can all have access to the exact same thing. as i was composing the e-mail, i wondered if i was making a mountain out of a mole hill. but, i decided i wasn't because it's little issues like those that lead to larger issues. i talked to JE about it when i got home and he asked if i thought she'd purposely left the original errors and/or changed things to make me look bad. and, you know, the thought crossed my mind. why she would do that, i don't know. but it just left me with a sour taste in my mouth.

oh, and there's also the issue that the department has been through several interns, for "various reasons." after yesterday, i want to ask why the last few interns left. i can't be sure, but my sense some left because of the fact that they are considered "interns." i'm actually paid and hired by one entity, but work in another. the original job title is "Graduate Research Assistant" and lists things that a typical research assistant does: analyze data, write policy briefs, etc. Instead, i've been doing things that a intern would be assigned, which is basically the stuff no one else wants to do. for example, the one pagers that i wrote were actually about things other people in the department were responsible for; so, that leads me to believe they should have written the one pager since it is their program. it's not that i don't want to work, it's just that i don't want to work in a position that is not developing me and making the most of what i bring to the table. i went through this in summer '08 and though i was thankful for the extra money, i hated the experience with a passion and vowed to never repeat it. see, when you're working a job that's just for the summer, some people treat you any kind of way. also, when you're quiet, like me, people think they can walk over you. i made the mistake of being too passive summer 2008 and i will not make that mistake again.

i know you shouldn't quit one job without having another, but... i'm seriously considering making July 14 my last day. why the 14th? well, i saw my pay statement for this month and it will cover the bills for the month of July. i only worked 2 weeks this month, so i figure working 2 weeks next month will cover me for the month of August. i'm also expecting my Americorps award money to come through, which will also help with expenses over the next few months. however, i will need to have a job by September 1. i'm thinking that i'll ask my manager at the job i had during the school year if i can return. she already said she wanted the same team for next year, but i still want to be sure. i realize i'm taking a chance by going a month and half without pay. BUT, i also refuse to waste my time being unhappy.

well, i have to go into work this afternoon. we'll see what today holds...

until next time...

lookin', feelin' like a million bucks!

• so, Friday was the 10th day of my job... yes, i'm counting. i'm grateful for a job, don't get me wrong. but, i'm glad that this job is just for the summer. this experience is showing me i'm not meant for a desk job. well, at least not where i'm at a desk 8 hours per day. i'm only there on a part time basis and i swear i'm going to go crazy staring at the cubicle walls and a computer screen doing the most mundane tasks. the people i work with are nice, but to be honest i'm not there to socialize. today one of my managers told me to feel free to come and talk to the people in the other department since i'm so quiet, they don't even know that i'm there. (my work area is separate from everyone else, but close enough where i can hear them talking.) i said ok, but i was thinking a) i'm only here for 4 hrs. a day and i'm working for 2 departments. i don't have time for chit-chatting, and b) uhm, shouldn't the work i'm doing speak to my presence. but, ok, at the staff meeting last week they said they were like a "sorority" so... i'm diligently looking for another job.
• speaking of, i went on an interview last Tuesday. it was cool and i think i did well. i'm not convinced i'll get it but it was good practice, if nothing else.
• so, i continue to feel this... pressing in my spirit about this soap making thing. i don't get to do it too much, but looking at the projects get me excited every time... i have an online cart full of stuff, but i'm hesitant to place the order. i want to work on projects, but i always feel like i should save that money. hopefully i'll push forward and place the order soon.
  
• after church today i made the mistake of mentioning to JE that i needed to stop by a dollar store. uhm, why did we end up everywhere else other than the dollar store? he got all turned around and so we would up home an hour after leaving church when it shouldn't have taken us anymore than 30 minutes...
• so, i really want a dog. i can't afford a dog... right now. but, i want one. hmmm... thinking i should put a dog on my vision board...
  
• in my heart of hearts, i really want to go back to teaching. i regret leaving the classroom so soon. i'm finding that my ideal job is one where i get to work w/ students regularly so i can see a tangible impact regularly. unfortunately, finding a teaching job here in Austin is like finding a needle in a haystack... well, more like finding a needle in a stack of needles. a needle would stick out in a haystack, but not in a... never mind. you get the point! lol!
  
• oh, i had my spa evening last night! it was cool... i had a manicure, massage, and a facial. my favorite part of the whole experience was the facial. omg... it felt sooo good! and my face felt great and looked so radiant afterward. out of the three, i would definitely come back for the facial. as far as the massage, if i got it done again, i'd get one w/ more pressure. there were a few problems with logistics and the use of the space, but i'll save that for yelp... :-) all and all, i'd recommend that anyone get at least one spa treatment in their life.
  
• i'm watching the BET awards and i'm pleasantly surprised that they don't suck this year. actually, it's been pretty good... so far. that being said, there are 38 minutes left in the show.
  

well, let me go and do some school work... until next time...

for every mountain...

• i really should be working on an abstract for class, but i really felt like blogging. so, here goes... well, today is Father's Day. i almost called my father today because i knew he'd like to hear from me. then again, i'd like to have heard from him on my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. and that didn't happen. so... all i can do is pray about the situation and keep it moving. i did, however, think about my grandpa, who passed away in 2003. i thought about how when i got sick in elementary school and had to go home, he'd walk from my grandparents' house (which was a few blocks away), up the hill that my school sat atop and come and get me. of all the things my grandfather did for us, that sticks out for some reason.
• this 3 days a week class is NOT the business. during the regular semester i took 4 classes per week, BUT they were four separate classes. i don't care for talking about the same topics and seeing the same people 3 days a week. the class has been informative, so that's a plus. also, i think this is the last class Prof. Topper Town teaches, so i'll be done w/ him soon. well, he's my advisor, so there's a chance he'll be my dissertation chair!
• speaking of the dissertation, my mind has been stuck on the minority teacher recruitment and retention. i know my visit to KIPP last month is what's spurring this thought. it's the 1st idea i've latched onto and so i'm hoping that once i dig into the research something will pop out as a dissertation topic. it's clear to me that God wants me to stay in school, so i'm going to be obedient to that, but i'm still trying to get out here ASAP! the dissertation is of course, the most important thing in a doctoral degree. but, it's not the pinnacle of one's career, so i want to get it over and done so i can move forward.
  
• Saturday JE and i went to the Juneteenth festival and i swear, i've NEVER seen so many Black people in Austin before! as i've mentioned this before, there are very few Blacks here. (on a side note, out of nearly 39,000 undergraduates, there are only 400 Black males, and about 300 of them are athletes. (-_-) smh...) anyway, it was hot as hell outside and kids were fighting, so we left. but, it was still a nice outing. JE likes to go to events like that, so i was glad we went. i normally don't do well w/ crowds, but i was cool.
  
• i went to get an oil change, and came out w/ an oil change and a new tire, along with the news i need a wheel alignment and some other part related to the alignment. i knew about the tire problem, but the other things were news to me. thankfully, i had the money to take care of the tire. and, once UT finally releases my vacation pay, i'll be able to get the alignment taken care of. i'll be sooo glad when i make my final car payment in November so that these maintenance costs aren't such an issue.
• sitting on my floor, at the foot of my bed, is a bag packed and ready to go. where am i going? well, i decided i needed to go on a stay-cation. tonight i was so agitated that i almost booked a hotel on hotwire and went away for a few nights. nothing major happened. i just think i need a change of scenery, and a place where someone else makes the bed, a tub that i can soak in, and just peace and quiet. (also, one of my eye lids has started twitching, which is one on my stress signals.) but, i decided against it because if i went tonight, i wouldn't be able to really relax because i have work to do. so, it would have been a waste of money, in some ways. then my mind drifted to my vision board. (it fell off the wall again. i figured out the problem: the walls in this apartment sweat a little and the sticky stuff doesn't stick well to the cork board. so, it's not on the wall at the moment.) anyway, on the board, i have the word "pamper" with a pic of women chilling at the beach. so, then i thought, you know, maybe some spa time would do me well. so, i thought about getting a massage. for v-day, i got JE a sports massage at a local spa and he enjoyed it. so, i went to their site and found a Mini Retreat package that will work for me. it's a little pricey, but it'll be worth it. i'm planning to call tomorrow and make my appointment for Saturday.
• i've been thinking a lot about what these past 10 months are teaching me. this time period has been challenging to say the least. and i haven't enjoyed all of it. but, i will say that i've discovered i'm more... resilient than i thought i was. it's all part of a growing process... i remember how much i hated my 1st year of teaching and then the next year was one of the best experiences i've ever had. so, i'm hoping this rough patch will lead to something great.
• i'm trying to get into a workout routine, but i hate working out w/ a passion! i don't know why i hate it so much, but i do. so, it's hard for me to really get into it. i think i hate it so much because a) i don't see results quickly and b) it just feels like one more thing i have to do and i'm already doing a lot right now.
  
• i have an interview for a full time job on Tuesday. yeah, i know, i just started a part time job last week. and there's no way i can do both because they're both during normal business hours. so, i'm planning on withdrawing from the process. then again, the official end date of my current position is August 31, so given the time it takes to interview other applicants, make final decisions, etc., i could have a start date of mid August. then again, i could not get the job at all. so, let me just take it one step at a time.
• i was talking to my grandmother the other day and she said "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... and Jill a cranky girl." i'd heard the first part of that but not the part about Jill. it had me cracking up! probably because it's true...

something(s) old & something(s) new...

• so, i've started my new summer job... i think i'm going to like it. it feels strange working in an office environment again. i have my own little work space and if i was going to be there longer, i'd decorate. but, the position ends of August 31. so... that means i'm also looking for another job once this one is complete. they had an intern before me, and i don't understand why they didn't/don't get an "intern" on for a long time. i suspect that it's because if they do, they'd have to pay for health insurance. and that is the one pitfall about this job: no health insurance. typically part time employees are provided with it, but since my appointment is for shorter than 4 months, well, i don't get it. however, on the plus side, the job is paying more than the the last job i had (and i was just told i can work up to 30 hours, instead of the 20 hours that was originally stated). i just have to pray that i don't get sick w/in the next few months. it also means that i may have to switch over to a cheaper BC... i love the type i'm taking now, but w/o insurance, it's expensive. then again, since health insurance isn't coming out of my paycheck, i might be able to swing it. all and all, i'm grateful for this position. i've been praying that a) i'll be able to shine like the star i am and b) i'll get some good professional development from it. everyone in my department is very collegial and they'll be cool people to work with.
• the professor for the class i'm scheduled to take in the next summer session is nuts. this lady wants us to start doing real work for the class before the class actually begins. she wants us to send her our dissertation/proposal topic so she can approve it and we can then start on the literature review. nope. sorry. i'm not doing that. it is completely inappropriate to ask students to begin work before the class even begins. if the work was going to take 2 months, then she needed to see abt getting the class scheduled for both sessions OR she should have just reduced the work load. needless to say, i'm considering trying to do an independent study instead or just dropping the class and not taking a second summer class at all.
• so, i got a letter from the lovely IRS a few weeks ago. it seems that on my 2008 returns i forgot to report some income. i thought i'd added everything, but after looking at my return, i see that i hadn't. :-( the amount owed is not something i can pay off within the next 120 days, so i'll have to enter a payment plan agreement, which sucks majorly because i'll have to pay interest during that time. i'm opting for the payroll deduction because it won't hurt as much to have it deducted. also, it will ensure that it gets paid. so... that's that. it's also even more motivation for me to get a full time and better paying job.
• i was watching The First 48 yesterday. tell me why a suspect committed a crime wearing an Afro, and then, in an attempt to throw off the police, went and got his hair relaxed? smh... i guess he didn't think that being 6' and nearly 400 lbs. were even bigger clues as to his identity. *shrug*
• i mentioned to JE that i wanted a dog, and so he went and find some puppies online. i had to break it to him that i while i appreciated the gesture, there was no way i could afford a dog right now. also, the puppies he found were pit bulls. i'm not against having one, but my apartment complex is.
• I just got finished reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. omg! this book was fantastic! i could not put it down. i stayed up until 3:00 in the morning on Sunday, trying to finish it. i won't give you a synopsis, because you can click on the link and read for yourself. if you do have some free time, i highly suggest checking it out.
• so... the jury's still out on the tattoo. i went to the shop, liked the design the guy drew for me, and then left before he could start. it's what i want and has a meaning that will never go away, but i kept looking at my ankle and picturing it forever inked and i just couldn't do it... yet. i'm pretty sure i'm going to go for it, i just have to work up the nerve.
• i'm also still undecided on this whole high school reunion thing. i just don't know... i'm not excited about it, but i also feel like i'll regret it if i wind up not going.
• sometimes, i wish i didn't, but i have the memory of an elephant. at times it works in my favor, but lately it's come to my attention that it leads me to hold grudges. i think about stuff that happened in the past and get all angry about the situation and with the person all over again. lately i've become frustrated with myself for not thinking the idea of living with JE out completely. things are not terrible, but i wish i'd been more thoughtful when we were discussing it. i know i'm not the only one in the relationship, so the burden isn't fully on me. however, i'm the realist and i always think things out thoroughly and well, this time, i didn't think it through as much as i normally do. if i had to do it all over again, i'd still choose to move in together, but i would have waited a few more months. oh, well, hindsight is 20/20.
  
• JE is still going through a rough patch. at this point, i don't even know what else to say... i'm just keepin' it movin' because i'm out of ideas. however, on the bright side, he's been able to go to physical therapy for the past few weeks. still no official settlement w/ the grocery store, though.
  
• the other day, i started to send a random text to my friend (we randomly text one another often), and then i remembered that she'd just delivered her first child! lol!
  
• i've been having this feeling for a while that once i've completed this (final!) degree, i'll be working and living in Tulsa. eh, i don't know whether to embrace or run from this thought. Tulsa is not terrible, but the mentality of many people can be so petty... I don't have time for it. that being said, everyone isn't like that. also, Tulsa has a low cost of living and there's starting to be more outlets for entertainment. but, i can't shake the fact that the last time i lived in Tulsa was for 5 1/2 months in 2005 and for the 5 1/2 months i was there, i was miserable. i even recall spending my birthday in bed with what turned out to be walking pneumonia. so, yeah, fun times...

until next time...

kind of blue

• i woke up yesterday feeling kind of blue and haven't been able to shake that feeling completely. i'm hoping the cloud lifts soon. i've been pretty quiet around the house and JE keeps asking me what's on my mind, and all i can say is nothing.
  
• so, i got a rejection e-mail from TFA today for a position i applied for a week ago. the e-mail stated that after carefully reviewing my materials, they were unable to find a position that matched me experiences. now, i could understand if this was the case if they had only a few open positions. but, they have 148 open positions, several of which are entry level. now, many of the positions are location specific, but to say i don't qualify for anything warrants an hour long blank stare. so, after finding a lovely job rejection follow-up template, i modified it and asked (essentially) why they hadn't considered me. and then, i sent one to the principal at KIPP. though i had a HUGE problem with the lack of minority teachers and left with a feeling i wouldn't be working there, i still wanted to ask them why especially since i'd spent a whole day there. last year, i applied to teach at a KIPP school in NOLA and was invited to come to NOLA and do a sample lesson. so, a part of me wondered if i'd lost some of my... zest in a year. every KIPP school is different, though, so i also recognize that my zest may be fully intact. i even sent an e-mail about a Graduate Research Assistant position that i applied for and wasn't selected for. i sent that out of pure curiosity. see, when i interviewed for the position, it wasn't like a real interview. they asked me about my background, told me about their backgrounds and the work they did and... that was it. there weren't any specific questions about how i respond in certain situations, my working style, how i keep myself organized, etc. so, i really want to know what from the interview led them to believe they couldn't/shouldn't hire me. after all is said and done, if i get a response, i'm hoping i'll get invaluable feedback so i can be a better applicant.
• it's funny that i'm doing all of this when i already have a job. well, i'm still in a holding pattern with that position. i've been recommended by my interviewers and i submitted all the necessary background check information. yet and still, the hiring department hasn't wrapped up paperwork.
• it's looking less and less likely that i'm going to my high school reunion. i've been thinking about, and i don't know if the cost is worth it. registration for the events costs $115, which would be ok if i lived in Tulsa. but, i also have to consider the money i'll spend on gas getting there, by the time of the reunion it'll be time to get my hair done again, i'll have to get a dress to wear to the semi-formal night and who knows what other costs i'll incur. also, since all the classmates i'm interested in seeing are on FB, reunion loses it's luster. so, i'm leaning towards going to Tulsa the weekend of July 10. JE thinks i'll change my mind between now and June 30 (when registration money is due). we'll see...
• my summer class has started. if i EVER consider taking a class that meets 3 days/week for 3 hours each day, please slap me. for real. thank God, it's only for a month. i'm scheduled to take another class during the 2nd summer session, but i'm considering dropping it. the professor sent an e-mail, wanting to meet with us for 2 hours this Friday to get a head start on the class. uhm, boo, if you can't fit everything into the allotted 4 weeks, you need to rethink your approach to the class...
• i'm having 2nd thoughts about this tattoo. last week i went to a few tattoo parlors and decided on one that i liked. the artist is supposed to come up with his representation of this design so we can meet tomorrow and discuss it. my hesitation is with the permanency issue and well, the money too. he hasn't quoted me a price, but i can't shake the feeling that i could spend that $$ on something more... useful.

until next time...

summer time... and the living's easy... sort of

nothing new to report, really. life is about the same as it was at the time of my last post. i've been out of work and school for about 2 weeks and it's been nice, for the most part. the only thing is that i get bored very easily, so i need something to do with my time. thankfully, i went to Houston for a a day and a half. i went to get my hair done and for a friend's baby shower. i decided to go for a short cut, but stuck with the sew-in. i called my stylist and told her i was considering relaxing my hair and cutting it short and she told me if she relaxed it, it would get straight, but not as straight as i might like since i have virgin hair (it's been 7+ years since i've had a relaxer), and so if it didn't get straight enough, i'd have to come back and have her do it again. traveling to Houston is a chore for me (scheduling a day, making sure it fits with my work and school schedule, etc.), so i wouldn't be able to come back in 2 weeks like other people. so, i'll be rockin' this sew-in until then. anyway, so i went from this:

to this:

I must say i am loving this short cut! it's super easy to do in the morning. i literally get up, comb it out, and i'm on my merry way. from time to time i have to flat iron my real hair so that it'll blend and not look a frizzy mess, but it takes me like 2 minutes (if that) to do that. i'm seriously considering making this my regular style. anyone who knows me knows a) i don't like dealing with my hair and b) i don't have any real skills when it comes to doing hair. i also like it because it makes me look more... mature. so, a short cut that all i have to do is flat iron every now and again may be best for me. then again, 2 months from now, i may be singing a different tune!

the other night, i finally made a vision board. i'd been thinking about making one for quite some time and never really sat down and just did it, you know? the picture's not the best, but basically i'm focusing on financial freedom (via paying off debt and not living paycheck to paycheck), finding serenity (even JE tells me i'm wound up too tight), mentoring (which is something i really want to do, i just have to figure out the best way to do it), and pampering (i have a hard time doing nice things for myself. i always feel guilty about it because i think i should spend that time and/or money on something else). i have a few other things on there, but they're not a major focus, which means i may take them off. we'll see how i feel about it in a few weeks. at any rate, here's my vision board. oh, and a few mornings after i put the board on the wall, i woke up and found it had fallen to the floor. i hope that isn't a sign. :/
JE found an attorney to take his case regarding the slip and fall at the grocery store. the only issue is that (to him) they're dragging their feet on the case. then again, seeing as his knee is hurting him, i suppose it does seem like a long time. since i know nothing about litigation, all i can do is shrug my shoulders.

so, next month is my mom's birthday. she'd be 50 years old, and i decided i'm going to get a tattoo to honor her b-day. my sister, brother, and i had talked about this a few years ago and all decided we'd get one. my sister was the first and a few years ago she got a rose with our mom's name wrapped around it w/ the date she passed. my brother is only 19, so he hasn't been able to get one, and well, i'm afraid of the pain. *shrug* but, now i've gotten this idea in my head and i can't/won't shake it. i finally decided on getting a frog. i know it sounds funny, but i decided on that because that was my grandfather's nickname for her (i don't know why he called her that because she looked nothing like a frog), but anyway... then i started looking into what frogs symbolize. it turns out they mean a lot of things, but are mainly seen as a teacher and/or protector. the next step was to find a good design that i can take to a tattoo shop. i looked at many and didn't see one i just loved. then i came across this picture:
i really like it and it fits with frog symbolism BUT i'm concerned that it looks too... cartoonish and i want the tattoo on my ankle and i don't think that would fit on my ankle. i saw some others that i liked, but not as much as that one. so, we'll see...

the start date for my job has been pushed back until June 7... paperwork... I called today to check on things and everything still wasn't processed (due to the holiday), but i'm hoping that the 7th is still a go. starting work on the 7th is actually in my best interest because my old job (with the state of TX) has to pay out my 30 unused vacation hours. since my new job is also with the state of TX, if i'd started on June 1, there wouldn't have been any interruption in employment, so those hours just would have transferred over. and at this point, i'd rather have the money. the department i worked for hasn't processed my payment (UT has a link in the system titled "Where's My Check?" so you can see where various payments (refunds, payroll checks, etc.) are and i see nothing from the department about that. i know my official termination was May 31, but i'll send a friendly e-mail today asking for my money.

i'm also starting class again on the 7th. i'm sooo not looking forward to the class, but i'm trying to have a positive attitude about it even if it is taught by Dr. Topper Town. :-s

well, i'm getting sleepy. so, until next time...