so, i got moved into my new apartment two weeks ago today. i finally got most of my stuff unpacked as of last week. i really like this new apartment. it kinda feels like a small house. it's very modern and the nicest apartment that i've ever lived in. the only drawback is that's it is located on like the outskirts of Austin. in fact, my address is still Austin, but the apartment is actually located in a different school district. but, i guess that's a small price to pay. JE moved with me. i know. i know. i said i wasn't going to allow it. i've seen a signfiicant change in him lately, so i said we could try this relationship thing again and living together. well, the living together is temporary. most of his stuff is in storage. so far, things are going well. i think me being out of school and living a normal life has reduced my stress level enormously which improves my overall happiness. also, JE got another job. so, that means he works a part time during the day and then works full time overnight. so, we see each other a lot less. right now, when i come home from work, he's usually asleep. when he wakes up, we talk, do more than talking ;-), and then it's almost time for him to go to work and for me to go to bed. when i wake up to go to work, he's coming in the door, to take a nap before going back to work. honestly, i don't know how long he'll be able to keep this up, but for now, it works. and honestly, i like the arrangement. my only wish is that we were going to jobs that we truly loved.
speaking of work, my job has us working 10 hour days for four days a week for the month of July. it is as much fun as you can imagine working in an office setting for 10 hours would be. :-( my co-workers are cool, but it's draining being at work for so long. i actually don't mind the 10 hours as much as the fact that i'm in the same place all day, mostly in front of a computer. we go have Fridays "off," but it's not really an off day because we still had to work 40 hours. thankfully, next week is the last week of 10 hour days.
i think i blogged last time about a job i was applying for with the research group i was a part my last semester in grad school. my friend has the job now, and encouraged me to apply, saying i'd be a good fit. i was so hyped about the possibility of doing the work and immediately applied when the job was finally posted. i did have some reservations because the director of the program (who was also on my dissertation committee and knows me fairly well) didn't ask me to consider applying. idk, i felt like, if he thought i'd be a good candidate, he'd at least ask me to consider. i ignored that reservation and applied anyway. by the time i interviewed for the position last Monday, i was not excited about the job anymore. i started thinking about my current position and how i was asked if i wanted the job. they were excited and happy that i was considering staying with them. i did have to apply, but it was merely a formality. the vibe was completely different for this other position. i felt almost like a stranger. i interviewed with the director and another member of the research team and they were friendly. but, it just felt... off. i walked away with the feeling that they would hired someone else. as a matter of fact, when i asked about the status of my application two weeks after i applied, the director told me that they had some really good candidates and would be doing interviews for the job. that confirmed that i wasn't seen as the best fit. and, since he was already familiar with me, that i probably wouldn't get the position. it turns out, i was correct. i got an email today from the project manager stating that i hadn't been selected. no phone call from the director or anything. an email. the project manager (who i know very well), also addressed me as Ms. (more on the Ms. thing later.) that man is well aware that i'm Dr. smh... the impersonal nature of the entire process is what pissed me off, not the fact that i was told no.
that experience has really confirmed(?) my reservations about academia. in the nearly four months since i defended my dissertation, the academic life has looked less and less appealing. i've been thinking a lot about my life thus far and i just don't know if the academic life will allow me to have the most impact on people. at the end of the day, (as cliche) as it sounds, i want to help people. that's it. most people don't know my life story. they don't know that we lived in Section 8 housing and for my entire childhood we were on food stamps (back when they were the actual paper food stamps, not the discreet EBT cards). they don't know that i was on free lunch until the day i graduated from high school. my mother made sure we were exposed to different things, but i know all the camps and trips we attended were because we were on some sort of scholarship. now, my story isn't anything Earth shattering, but now that i know the statistics of what usually happens to kids like me, i really can't believe that i made it this far. so, i feel like my contribution would be lessened by simply sitting in academia.
the problem, of course, is i'm still not sure of exactly what i want to do. my current job isn't the most exciting and doesn't allow me to have a great impact, either. so, i know i won't be there too much longer. possibly a year. the other night, JE and i were talking and i was telling him about my friend who's living in London. and he said, that's what i thought you would do, take a job in London. you know, i've never considered living and working abroad. my mind always goes back to my time in Santa Barbara and how miserable i was, in large part due to the fact that i was so far from family and friends... and i was just living on the West Coast! but, you know, maybe my boredom has to do with the fact that i need to leave the country and just experience something else. but, again, what would i do? i'm praying for guidance.
i saw several doctors this month regarding issues stemming from my PCOS. sigh... this syndrome is a beast. it's truly a systemic problem. in my deleted post, i detailed what's been going on with my body, but i don't have the energy. i will say i'm several medications to get things under control. i was avoiding the meds route, but in order to get things back where they should be, i think it's best. once the more pressing issues are under control, i'm planning to come off the medications and treat the syndrome naturally. this past week was not good health wise, but not due to the PCOS. i just felt sick all around. outside of that, i'm tolerating the medications well, even though it's sometimes hard for me to remember to take them.
my bath and body business is stagnant right now. well, i finally bit the bullet and hired someone to design labels. she's actually the same person that designed my logo. she's also going to do business cards. so, i'm moving forward, but not as fast as i would like. i still haven't applied for the business license. i just don't want to come off that $300. but, i know i'll have to do it soon.
today would have been my mom's 53rd birthday. though it's been 9 years since she passed, it's still hard to believe that she's gone. while i was packing the old apartment, i came across her death certificate, funeral program and a letter i wrote to her after she died. whew! talk about emotional! it's funny how something that happened so long ago can still be so clear. but, i'm not focusing on that today because i think that does her a disservice--- to only focus on the last day of her life. so, while life hasn't been the same since the day she left, i'm thankful for the time we did have with her. see you next lifetime, Mama!
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| my mom at her high school graduation |
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| my mom, my sister, and me at Easter |
until next time...
