- November was kicked off with a trip to New Orleans with my friends from college. we had sooo much fun! I love the city and to spend a long weekend with those girls was everything to me. i really do miss having a close group of friends in the same city.
- the weekend after the New Orleans trip I turned 30! and, sadly, i spent part of my day in urgent care. smh... right after I got back from New Orleans, my torso felt really achy and then I developed a small rash on the small of my back. and then this pain in my side developed. i decided to go to urgent care when the pain literally took my breath away when i bent over. long story short, i had a kidney infection and... shingles. yes, shingles. the old people's ailment. my first thought was: is this what 30+ feels like?! lol... it turns out the kidney infection weakened my immune system, which was already weak due to stress, and the shingles reared its ugly head. i got some antibiotics to clear up the kidney infection and went on my way...
- to Denver, where i spent nearly an entire week. i went for a work conference, followed by a conference related to grad school. both were in the same hotel, so i didn't really get to see the city. but, what i saw reminded me a lot of Austin. that was both a bad and good thing. both conferences were interesting, so i learned a lot, made some connections, ate some really good food (if you're ever in Denver, check out Boney's... the bbq is great), but was glad to be back in my home, sleeping in my bed, with all my creature comforts.
- the next week was pretty uneventful, which is a good thing.
- the following week was Thanksgiving week. the Monday before the holiday, JE and I had a HUGE argument. It basically ended with me telling him what I'd been feeling for a while: that i was ready to break up. I'd fallen out of love with him quite some time ago due to the fact that some of the qualities that originally drew me to him had been lacking tremendously. i'd patiently waited for those qualities to resurface and, well, they never did. now, he is good to me, and i enjoyed our friendship. but, i just wasn't in love anymore. and while i am the woman he claims he wants to marry, i couldn't shake the fact that i was settling.
- my aunt came Thanksgiving day and stayed until Sunday. it was good to have her here. made me wish i lived closer to family again. i also was sick from the day before Thanksgiving until the Monday or Tuesday after. I think I had a touch of the flu. the flu, shingles, a kidney infection. November was NOT a good month for my body.
- so, while JE and I are officially no longer a couple, he still lives with me. it's unorthodox, but i know he can't afford to live alone here in Austin and he doesn't have family or close friends here. and, since my apartment had 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, we each have our living space. so, this works... for now. this is not a permanent living situation and he'll need to move on and out soon. I will say that not being in a relationship anymore has lifted a huge weight off of me. i always felt like i had to keep pushing to make things work out, to give and give and give because i thought that's what you're supposed to do in a committed relationship. and, it is (to an extent), but now i see that i was giving too much of myself.
- in the midst of my personal life, work and dissertation related things have been continuing. work is the same, so nothing to report about that. i've made considerable progress on my dissertation. and it looks like (if all goes according to plan), I'll be graduating in May. I've decided to throw myself a graduation dinner party and I even hired an event planner. we've got a date and location all worked out. it's hard to believe this is really happening. of course, this means i have to buckle down and just get this thing written. well, i need to write the last two chapters and revise two of the chapters i already wrote. as long as i get that done, May 18, 2013 is the big day! of course, this also means i have to find a job. it's funny because the past few weeks are the first time that I've truly felt at home here in Austin. i mean, it only took me 3+ years. :-) Now that I'm feeling comfortable, I may be leaving soon. life's funny that way.
- On Saturday morning, I'm heading home to Tulsa for Christmas. most of my mother's (10) siblings will be there, which is a rarity. so, it should be lots of fun and a welcome reprieve from Austin. there's still a part of me that wants to move back to Tulsa, but who knows?
12.18.2012
on... life
i can't believe it's been nearly two months since my last post. i've wanted to write something for a while, but time always gets the best of me. November was also a busy month, so... here we are.
10.23.2012
home again, home again...
nb: I wrote the majority of this post while I was in Oklahoma, so if the tense is off, just charge it to lazy editing...
So, I was finally in Oklahoma last week, doing some research on my dissertation and my time there was awesome. My dissertation topic is studying a 1998 bill that provided pre-kindergarten to all kids in the state of Oklahoma. now, at first blush this might seem like not a big deal. many states offer pre-k, but it's usually reserved for kids from low-income families, those with special needs, or children who are bilingual... basically children who are at risk. and, many states that have programs that only serve certains kids, the program quality isn't that great. the teachers are usually not required to have a college degree, there aren't educational standards, etc. on top of that, even if kids do qualify for the program, many aren't able to get in, because there's a small pot of set aside for pre-k, and once the money's gone, families are left out in the cold. countless research shows that high quality pre-k is effective for all children, and disadvantaged children in particular. a lot of people see the early grades as "play" time when in fact they're the most crucial grades. for example, many states use 3rd grade reading scores to determine how many prisons they will need. the reason for that is if kids aren't reading on grade level by the 3rd grade, it is VERY hard to catch them up. and if children can't read, every other subject is difficult, so that they eventually lose interest in school and are at a higher risk of dropping out or if they graduate from high school, their quality of life is diminished. so, by now, it should be pretty clear just how important high-quality early childhood education is.
Oklahoma is unique because it has one of the best pre-k programs in the country. it's high quality, effective, available (yet optional) for all kids, has developmentally appropriate standards for instruction, requires teachers to have a B.A. in early childhood education, and pre-k is part of the state funding formula. the funding formula piece is huge because it treats pre-k like any other grade, meaning when the state cuts educational funding, the cut is made across the board, and all grades are effected. in other states, pre-k is funded by the Department of Health and Human Services, so pre-k classes can be eliminated or drastically cut if the money is reduced. all of this is very unusual, especially in a fiscally and socially conservative state. a high quality pre-k program costs a lot of money and there are still many people who think kids should be at home with their moms and that the state shouldn't have any involvement in the rearing young children.
so, basically my dissertation is looking at how this happened and what lessons other states that want to have universal pre-k can learn from Oklahoma. I first met with the original author of the bill. He's retired from the Oklahoma legislature, and isn't on FB, Twitter, etc. So, I went the old school route, found his address on the White Pages online, and sent him a letter, requesting an interview. I also included my card, which listed my e-mail and phone number. About a week after I sent the letter, he e-mailed me and said he would be happy to visit with me. I called the next day to set up an interview day and time. He was like, anytime is fine, we can even do it right now. lol! i didn't have my questions completely prepared, and I also needed to record the conversation. also, you know, phone conversations are rarely as rich as a face-to-face conversation. so, we agreed to meet at his home the following week. after i got off the phone with him, i was elated! this man doesn't know me from a hole in the wall and yet he agreed to spend time talking with me. so, fast forward to yesterday when we finally met. even though the bill was passed back in 1998, he remembered everything that happened before and after the bill was passed. it was crystal clear, and so all i had to do was let him tell me the story. he's still heavily involved with early childhood education, so he had some keen insight into where the state is today regarding early childhood education. We "visited" for about an hour and I left with everything I needed to know. If I left with just that information, the trip would've been worthwhile.
The former legislator I met with told me about two other people I needed to talk with, so I tracked them down. One guy is retired and working as a consultant for an organization in Oklahoma. I found his home address and phone, but wasn't sure if I would be able to reach him. So, I called the foundation where he consults and they gave me his cell phone number. I called him and it turned out he and his wife were driving back from Kansas. I told him I wanted to interview him and he said right then was the best time. So, we talked for about an hour on his drive back to Oklahoma. He had sooo much wisdom and insight into the political story! I was so fortunate to catch him at a good time and that he was willing to talk with me. He's still involved in early childhood education in Oklahoma, so I guess I also lucked out in that he's happy to talk about his passion. I met with a few other people working in early childhood education in the state and everyone was incredibly helpful and giving of their time. A few weeks ago, I sent a letter to the senator who co-sponsored the bill and she hadn't responded, so I chalked it up as a loss. Then, lo and behold, as I drove back to Austin, she called and left me a voice mail. It turns out she'd been in Colorado with her son, and had just passed through Oklahoma to get her mail and she found my letter while reading her mail on the plane. She apologized profusely and said she'd call me back over the weekend. well, i hadn't heard from her by Monday, so I called her. She was again on the way to the airport with her son, and said she'd call me back. I told her everyone I talked to while in Oklahoma, and she said I talked with the right people, so I'm not confident she'll call me back since her information may not be useful. But, we'll see...
before i went home, my dissertation was gasping for breath because I couldn't really find anything that explained exactly what happened. I was expecting to read about a huge referendum, debates, political support, community support, etc. and that's not what happened at all. it was truly a stealth campaign, for all intents and purposes. but, now, I have everything I need to write the dissertation, defend in the spring, and graduate in May. I met with my dissertation chair yesterday and she said if I burned the midnight oil now, doing the interview transcriptions, I could possibly defend in February. now, that's a little too ambitious, but it gives me hope that the end is near.
Frankly, I'm totally over being a student. I'm ready to have a regular life and make real money again. I've been feeling like I'm putting the life I want to have on hold while I finish this last degree. I'm not complaining, because this is the life I chose. But, I can honestly say that completing this degree has been more challenging than I ever imagined. No part of me was happy about going back to Austin. Well, I was happy to go back to the comfort of my own home, with my things and all of that. But, they are things that I can have anywhere. Now that I know this degree will be completed soon, I feel like I can finally start to lead the life I really want.
until next time...
So, I was finally in Oklahoma last week, doing some research on my dissertation and my time there was awesome. My dissertation topic is studying a 1998 bill that provided pre-kindergarten to all kids in the state of Oklahoma. now, at first blush this might seem like not a big deal. many states offer pre-k, but it's usually reserved for kids from low-income families, those with special needs, or children who are bilingual... basically children who are at risk. and, many states that have programs that only serve certains kids, the program quality isn't that great. the teachers are usually not required to have a college degree, there aren't educational standards, etc. on top of that, even if kids do qualify for the program, many aren't able to get in, because there's a small pot of set aside for pre-k, and once the money's gone, families are left out in the cold. countless research shows that high quality pre-k is effective for all children, and disadvantaged children in particular. a lot of people see the early grades as "play" time when in fact they're the most crucial grades. for example, many states use 3rd grade reading scores to determine how many prisons they will need. the reason for that is if kids aren't reading on grade level by the 3rd grade, it is VERY hard to catch them up. and if children can't read, every other subject is difficult, so that they eventually lose interest in school and are at a higher risk of dropping out or if they graduate from high school, their quality of life is diminished. so, by now, it should be pretty clear just how important high-quality early childhood education is.
Oklahoma is unique because it has one of the best pre-k programs in the country. it's high quality, effective, available (yet optional) for all kids, has developmentally appropriate standards for instruction, requires teachers to have a B.A. in early childhood education, and pre-k is part of the state funding formula. the funding formula piece is huge because it treats pre-k like any other grade, meaning when the state cuts educational funding, the cut is made across the board, and all grades are effected. in other states, pre-k is funded by the Department of Health and Human Services, so pre-k classes can be eliminated or drastically cut if the money is reduced. all of this is very unusual, especially in a fiscally and socially conservative state. a high quality pre-k program costs a lot of money and there are still many people who think kids should be at home with their moms and that the state shouldn't have any involvement in the rearing young children.
so, basically my dissertation is looking at how this happened and what lessons other states that want to have universal pre-k can learn from Oklahoma. I first met with the original author of the bill. He's retired from the Oklahoma legislature, and isn't on FB, Twitter, etc. So, I went the old school route, found his address on the White Pages online, and sent him a letter, requesting an interview. I also included my card, which listed my e-mail and phone number. About a week after I sent the letter, he e-mailed me and said he would be happy to visit with me. I called the next day to set up an interview day and time. He was like, anytime is fine, we can even do it right now. lol! i didn't have my questions completely prepared, and I also needed to record the conversation. also, you know, phone conversations are rarely as rich as a face-to-face conversation. so, we agreed to meet at his home the following week. after i got off the phone with him, i was elated! this man doesn't know me from a hole in the wall and yet he agreed to spend time talking with me. so, fast forward to yesterday when we finally met. even though the bill was passed back in 1998, he remembered everything that happened before and after the bill was passed. it was crystal clear, and so all i had to do was let him tell me the story. he's still heavily involved with early childhood education, so he had some keen insight into where the state is today regarding early childhood education. We "visited" for about an hour and I left with everything I needed to know. If I left with just that information, the trip would've been worthwhile.
The former legislator I met with told me about two other people I needed to talk with, so I tracked them down. One guy is retired and working as a consultant for an organization in Oklahoma. I found his home address and phone, but wasn't sure if I would be able to reach him. So, I called the foundation where he consults and they gave me his cell phone number. I called him and it turned out he and his wife were driving back from Kansas. I told him I wanted to interview him and he said right then was the best time. So, we talked for about an hour on his drive back to Oklahoma. He had sooo much wisdom and insight into the political story! I was so fortunate to catch him at a good time and that he was willing to talk with me. He's still involved in early childhood education in Oklahoma, so I guess I also lucked out in that he's happy to talk about his passion. I met with a few other people working in early childhood education in the state and everyone was incredibly helpful and giving of their time. A few weeks ago, I sent a letter to the senator who co-sponsored the bill and she hadn't responded, so I chalked it up as a loss. Then, lo and behold, as I drove back to Austin, she called and left me a voice mail. It turns out she'd been in Colorado with her son, and had just passed through Oklahoma to get her mail and she found my letter while reading her mail on the plane. She apologized profusely and said she'd call me back over the weekend. well, i hadn't heard from her by Monday, so I called her. She was again on the way to the airport with her son, and said she'd call me back. I told her everyone I talked to while in Oklahoma, and she said I talked with the right people, so I'm not confident she'll call me back since her information may not be useful. But, we'll see...
before i went home, my dissertation was gasping for breath because I couldn't really find anything that explained exactly what happened. I was expecting to read about a huge referendum, debates, political support, community support, etc. and that's not what happened at all. it was truly a stealth campaign, for all intents and purposes. but, now, I have everything I need to write the dissertation, defend in the spring, and graduate in May. I met with my dissertation chair yesterday and she said if I burned the midnight oil now, doing the interview transcriptions, I could possibly defend in February. now, that's a little too ambitious, but it gives me hope that the end is near.
Frankly, I'm totally over being a student. I'm ready to have a regular life and make real money again. I've been feeling like I'm putting the life I want to have on hold while I finish this last degree. I'm not complaining, because this is the life I chose. But, I can honestly say that completing this degree has been more challenging than I ever imagined. No part of me was happy about going back to Austin. Well, I was happy to go back to the comfort of my own home, with my things and all of that. But, they are things that I can have anywhere. Now that I know this degree will be completed soon, I feel like I can finally start to lead the life I really want.
until next time...
9.15.2012
break throughs...
- finally made some much needed progress on my dissertation! i met with one of the librarians at UT and she was an invaluable resource. i feel infinitely better about figuring out how to answer my research questions. i sometimes wish i'd chosen a quantitative method where the data collection would be more straight forward. oh, well...
- i also have decided to go to spend a week in Oklahoma next month to do whatever research i can't do on my PC here in Austin. which meas, i may have to look at things on micro film! Yikes! then again, i'm doing a historical analysis, so that's to be expected.
- once my time off request was approved, it made me realize how fortunate i am to be in a position where i can take time off and not have to worry about the money. like, that's a major blessing, especially in this economy.
- my friends and i decided to move forward with out trip to Nola in early November. to say i am excited would be an understatement. i'm planning to start drinks in the Austin airport before my departure and end with mimosas the morning of my return back to Austin.
- Last week I went to a lecture and saw two members of my cohort. One just completed and defended his dissertation last month and the other is still taking coursework. and, i am officially a doctoral candidate (i.e., all course work is completed and all i need to do is complete my dissertation). it was so good to see them and talk about our progress in the program and offer one another advice. the one still taking course work asked me if i was considering becoming a professor. i told her i thought about it, but wasn't sure i'd done enough in the program (namely publishing articles) to become a professor. she scoffed, and told me i absolutely had done more than enough and that i was still young enough to do all the publishing. that made me feel so validated. i don't tell too many people that the professorship is a goal because i really am unsure about my preparedness. most graduate students do research and really work on that publishing aspect. but, they are also fully funded by their departments. our department has very little funding, which is why (expect for my 1st year), i have had to work two part-time jobs, which leaves little room for working on research projects. after the lecture, i spoke with one of my professors, who's on my dissertation committee. he also recommended me for this program. i was accepted (yay!) and he asked me if i was still considering going the faculty route. i hesitantly told him yes, and he asked me why i was hesitant and i told him i was nervous about it. he then told me that the program would take away that nervousness and really explain how to go about the process. there's a convention in November where program participants have our own summit and i'm looking forward to that. graduate school is not a walk in the park, and at times i ask myself why i chose to do this. but, times like that make it worth it.
- last night JE and I went to a soccer game at UT because my job had given out free tickets. the game was cool, but while there i mentioned to him that I really miss being around Black people consistently. there's something... tiring about being one of the few all the time. once i graduate, i hope to move to a city with a significant Black population again.
- speaking of graduation, i decided to see how much the doctoral regalia costs. a while back, i read about someone whose grandparents purchased his as a gift and he hung it up in his room as a reminder to keep pushing and writing. i now see why it was a gift! of course, i want the UT official regalia, but the total cost will be over $1000. yikes! renting is an option, but, i don't want to do that. maybe if i buy it in parts, i can swing it. hmmmm...
- yesterday was my grandmother's 84th birthday. when i called her, why did she answer the phone signing, "Happy birthday to me"? LOL! while i was talking with her, i was looking at this picture of my mom and was struck by the fact that she didn't even make it to her 44th birthday. after all these years, it still doesn't seem... fair.
- both my grandmother and one of my aunts (who came to Tulsa to surprise her for her bday) mentioned somethings that they needed, but can't afford right now. they weren't telling me so that i could do it for them. it just came up in conversation. when i got off the phone with them, i went in my bathroom and just burst into tears. while their needs are not life threatening, they are needs and there is nothing i can do to assist. i guess i'm just tired of seeing my family struggle financially. with a few exceptions, for 30 years, it's been the same story, just a different year.
8.28.2012
what kind of fuckery is this?
*disclaimer: there's no fuckery in this post. I've just been listening to the Back to Black album a lot and that line always makes me smile. r.i.p. Amy.
i can't believe it's been over two months since i last blogged. not much has happened. but, here's a recap anyway.
a few years ago, i started making my own soap and eventually added body butter, scrubs, etc. and i now make them as gifts. i can't tell you the last time i bought soap in the store and last month was the first time i purchased body butter. pro tip: The Body Shop's body butter leaves a nasty aftertaste and is made from crappy ingredients. it's funny because making cosmetics is one of the few things i can do all day and not get bored. if i could, i'd love to make it into a side business. my aunts always tell me how much they liked it, but you know, i thought they were just saying it because they're my aunts. well, one of my aunts paid me to make two sets for Mother's Day and this weekend she asked me to make 12 sets for Christmas. yay! my only problem is deciding what to include in the baskets. i know my aunt likes candles, but they're a pain in the ass to clean up. but, they do help complete a set. decisions, decisions...
Lord, I really hope Romney doesn't win this election... I watched a video from the Obama campaign titled "Republican Women for Obama." seeing that just reiterated the fact that the GOP really doesn't give a fuck about women's rights. like, you have women who have been life long Republicans deflecting from your party over women's rights, and still have Akin making ridiculous comments about "legitimate rape" and Arizona law stating that life starts 2 weeks before conception. O_O
this is very much a first world problem, but... i'm really ticked off that my Amazon Prime membership is considered taxable. TX is one of those states that was involved in the case with Amazon and so know residents of those states have to pay taxes on things purchased from Amazon and shipped to us. that sucked, but i understand and it won't stop me from shopping at Amazon. but, how can a membership be considered taxable? a mess...
speaking of messes... JE and I had to cut ties with this couple we used to kick it with occasionally. the husband is someone JE knew from back home. he and his wife moved here with their 2 young children like a year or so ago. at first blush, it seemed like a good idea to befriend them. there aren't too many young Black couples that we know, so why not. oh, Lord... how wrong we were. it turns out their marriage is a mess. there's infidelity, he physically abuses her, she verbally abuses him. but, you would never know it by just hanging out with them. no, the information has come out at various times in various ways. so, cut to about a week and a half ago. the wife texts JE and tells him that her husband beat her up and was in jail. my first thought: great! finally. the next day JE called her to see what happened. she said that he gave her two black eyes and didn't have a bond because he was on probation (they met while he was in prison... which is another story for another time.) it turns out neither was true. i mean, how are you going to post pics of yourself on FB a few days after allegedly getting beat up and your face and upper body looks pristine? hmmm... now, i don't doubt there was a physical fight, but there's no reason to embellish what happened. anyway, husband gets out of jail, and his mom and stepfather (who's also my cousin) post his bond and have to drive from San Antonio to get him because she has a restraining order on him and has their vehicle. the next day JE tells me three police officers came to his job, looking for the husband, saying that he took their daughter along with the car and TV and they had an apb on him because he didn't have permission to take the girl. he informs them that the couple is married, which was news to them. smh... the thing is, in the past, the husband has gotten angry, went to Tulsa for a few days, taking their daughter with him. so, now you want to send officers to a man's job, looking for your husband when you know exactly where he is? he was either in Tulsa or San Antonio or maybe even still here in Austin. thankfully, there weren't any customers at JE's job yet. now, you would imagine that after all of this, that the wife was ready to leave her husband. and it appeared that she was. (although i had a feeling she was going to drop the charges.) a few days after the alleged kidnapping, she texted me and told me that she and her husband were going to court on the 30th because he beat her up and she was getting a divorce. she also deleted me as her FB friend. cool. i figured she was trying to cut all ties to her husband. THEN JE tells me yesterday that while waiting on the bus stop, she saw the wife drive by... in the family's car. smh... i do.not.have.time. I'm all for women and men leaving abusive relationships, but don't make much ado about nothing and in the process put someone's livelihood at risk...BYE!
i cut and relaxed my hair
it's been nearly 10 years since my last relaxer and i thought i would be devastated about relaxing. turns out i'm not. it's time for something new. i also decided to start a sew-in challenge, meaning no sew-ins until the new year. uhm, might don't make it! i like cut and style BUT i get bored with my hair very quickly. like, right now, i want some hair i can whip back and forth. so, the challenge will likely end on my bday. sigh... I tried, ya'll.
speaking of my birthday, i can't believe i'll be 30 in a little over 2 months. truth be told, i've been looking forward to my 30s, but it feels... strange.
I'm planning a trip to New Orleans with my friends from college (assuming the city survives Isaac. and i REALLY hope it does. after Katrina, that city needs a break) in November, and we were discussing how we've been friends since we were 18 and fresh out of high school. technically adults, but still kids, and now we're really adults with real adult lives. it's crazy.
6.25.2012
caring for your introvert (or extrovert)
so, in my last post I mentioned that JE and I were parting ways. well... that's changed. On Saturday afternoon I was all set to go and sign the lease for my 1 bedroom apartment, but it just didn't feel right. Something told me to hold off. At first I thought that it was because I was supposed to move into another apartment that I saw and loved. but, it was way too expensive for a 1 bedroom, so I figured that wasn't it.
finally, it dawned on me that I needed to present JE with the ultimatum and the possibility of getting a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom place where I had the 1 bedroom apartment. (Yep... separate rooms... separate living spaces. Strange, perhaps, but it's necessary in the absence of having a large house. I need my space.) I decided to give this relationship one more try, with a key area addressed. I won't go into details, but the primary issue that has plagued this relationship is planning. Somehow JE managed to get through life with a flightly attitude. He just goes with the flow, no matter the repercussions. It's not quite at the YOLO level, but he would toe the line. Since we started dating, he's gotten better, but there were still
We had a final come to Jesus talk on Saturday night, where my ultimatum was that he agree to get it together (as evidenced by several things that we agreed on) or I was gone. Clearly, he agreed to get it together. Now, I'm just praying that he follows through, because that was my primary concern. We're opposites (see the picture above), but have made it work. Of course, I have some things to work on as well, namely not holding a grudge. I don't know why this is the case, but I remember everything, good or bad. That comes in handy more often than not, but in terms of a relationship, i tend to not do some of the things on the "How to Care for Extroverts" list. so, for the next 12 months, we'll be working on being better people. i'm hoping for the best.
until next time...
6.22.2012
my get up and go got up and left...
life is... funny at times. several months ago, i had these overwhelming feelings that things in life were about to change dramatically. i felt that I was meant to move back home and start a new job that challenged me and gave me more leadership responsibilities. and, so i started preparing for that new life.... applying for jobs that excited me, looking on Craigslist for a new place to stay... all of that.
but it looks like my preparation was all for naught. The way things are going, I'm staying in Austin for another year. words can't express how much this frustrates me. Austin isn't a bad place... I just don't want to be here anymore, especially since my coursework is finished. School was my only reason for being here and now I feel like it's time to move forward.
the jobs i applied for haven't panned out. i interviewed for a position last week and I knew the interview went well. At the end, I asked the interviewer what the next steps were in the process and what the hiring timeline looked like. she told me that while they didn't have a specific start date, the the hiring timeline that she explained sounded very simple, and like it wouldn't drag out. She also told me that other candidates were not in the final stages, and that she wouldn't waste my time interviewing me if that was the case. I sent a thank you e-mail the day after the interview, and didn't get a response. then i sent another follow-up e-mail yesterday. i got a response today and the interviewer said that she would like to send me the analytical exercises for the next stage in the process BUT that someone else was in the final stages for another position on the team, and if she was made an offer then they would no longer have the capacity to hire for the position that I interviewed for. uhm... what.the.fuck? that makes absolutely no sense and it's taken everything in me not to respond angrily. this is the second time this organization has been shady during the interview process. the first time was with a completely different team and for a different position. apparently this is their MO, and with that in mind, I'm never applying for a job with them again. it's crystal clear they do not value applicants' time. i worked for them several years ago and enjoyed the work, but it's clear I need to let that go.
i interviewed for another job last month and didn't hear anything from the organization until earlier this week. after the interview, I didn't feel like it would be a good fit, so I wasn't concerned when I didn't hear anything and since i hadn't heard anything, just assumed that they had gone with other candidates. i was right. the irritating thing about the e-mail was that it was clearly a form letter sent to all applicants. The opening was, "Hello," but the sender didn't even bother to put in each applicants' name. That is an easy thing to do via mail merge. but, i guess that would have been too much like right. if anything, the job application process has shown me that some organizations/companies are lacking tremendously in professionalism. yeah, i know the job market is very competitive right now, and that leaves some feeling that they don't need to follow up with people appropriately because there are plenty who want the job. that's really a messed up way of dealing with people.
i gave my current complex notice that i would not be renewing my lease and because i wasn't sure about whether I'd be in Austin or not, I hadn't found a new place here in Austin. since time is running out and the rental market in Austin is incredibly tight in the summer, I contacted a realtor/apartment locator. actually, i sent an e-mail to the one i worked with when I moved to Austin, but he didn't e-mail me back.
so, the new guy and I went out today and looked at a few places. this locator was... strange and unprofessional. when we spoke over the phone, i sensed he was new at the job. he seemed incredibly nervous when he spoke with me and his tone smacked off inexperience. so, i get to the apartment locator office and we go through listings and it just became even more apparent that he was new at the job. he found places that met my specifications, but didn't really have a system for organizing. when we went out to the places, he mentioned that he'd been on the job for 3 weeks. he went in the wrong direction as soon as we left the parking lot. smh... he also read the directions he'd printed out WHILE driving. i suppose i could've used the GPS on my phone to help him out, but I was the client and didn't feel i should have to do that. also, his van wasn't especially clean. it wasn't filthy, but it definitely wasn't professional.when he would say something that was amusing, he laughed for a loooong time, even after I had stopped laughing. when we went to view apartments and were leaving, the leasing agent would open the door, and the apartment locator would jump to come out ahead of me. he opened doors for me, so it wasn't a chivalry issue, per se. but, i felt like the client should always step out first. oh, and he cursed... a lot. i'm not a prude about cursing (JE has the mouth of a sailor), but there is a time and a place for everything. he mentioned that he used to be an attorney and had a series of odd jobs since he left the profession. i noticed that the shoes he had on were VERY worn. actually, one was split at the heel. these are small things, but they speak volumes to me. though he said he loved his job, but it also seemed like he just fell into it.
I've dealt with locators in Houston and Austin, both drove BMWs that were immaculate, knew exactly where we needed to go, and seemed at ease. needless to say, there were also realtors, so I'm sure that was their bread and butter, not the income from apartment locating. the guy today was... unpolished. i want to e-mail his supervisor and explain what happened. not to get him in trouble, but just to explain that he needs polish. I don't know if that would make a difference or if he would be reprimanded. but, someone needs to tell him.
anyway, i found two places that i liked. both are over $100 more than what I pay now, but the complex where i am now was increasing by about the same amount but the apartment doesn't warrant the increase at all. and the fact that I've lived here nearly 3 years, always paid on time, no issues with me, etc. didn't matter when I told them I was leaving. oh, well, capitalism at its finest. smh...
the past few days I've been incredibly tired and all I wanted to do was sleep. i haven't been doing anything that required a lot of energy, so I wasn't sure what was happening. it finally dawned on me that I'm a little depressed. these setbacks regarding employment have really left me feeling as if all this additional education and work experience has been for nothing. deep down, I know that's not true and there are hundreds of people struggling to find a job. and, i do have a job that's pretty stress free and pays me pretty well, especially considering I'm only part time. but, what I'm doing now isn't enough. i feel like my gifts and talents are going to waste. i found out last week that for the next school year, i would only work on one project instead of 2-3 like i'm doing now. our department is funded via grants and other projects that the district pays for, so everyone's funding changes all the time. knowing that I'll only work on one thing does not excite me one bit. then again, maybe it is enough for now, until I complete my dissertation. maybe that's the point: I need to do something for the next year that gives me time to complete my dissertation in a year, even if the job is boring.
i think i'm also a little depressed because this relationship with JE is coming to an end. it's actually been a long time coming and I'm the one doing the breaking up, but... it's still hard to end something, especially when you've been together and through so many things in nearly 3 years. I'm holding my piece until the breakup is final to really talk about the causes, so I'll just leave it there for now.
on the bright side, one of my dissertation committee members e-mailed me last night and said he was nominating me for a scholar network that provides formal networking, mentoring and professional development for graduate students of color who intend to become professors of educational leadership. granted, I have to be approved, but it was still an honor to know I am being nominated. it was so strange because he just sent the e-mail out of the blue. *shrug*his e-mail also got me to thinking that IF i want to be a professor, I need to get collegiate level experience, somehow, some way. I've been slacking on that as well as getting published, because I didn't want to be a professor. now i see i need to get ready for it, even if i don't become one.
i'm also thinking of cutting my hair super short (think Rhianna in the Take Bow video) and get a dog. two things I've never done before. I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from... actually, i do know. i'm restless and feel the need to do something. hopefully some exciting and positive changes will come soon. i certainly need them.
until next time...
but it looks like my preparation was all for naught. The way things are going, I'm staying in Austin for another year. words can't express how much this frustrates me. Austin isn't a bad place... I just don't want to be here anymore, especially since my coursework is finished. School was my only reason for being here and now I feel like it's time to move forward.
the jobs i applied for haven't panned out. i interviewed for a position last week and I knew the interview went well. At the end, I asked the interviewer what the next steps were in the process and what the hiring timeline looked like. she told me that while they didn't have a specific start date, the the hiring timeline that she explained sounded very simple, and like it wouldn't drag out. She also told me that other candidates were not in the final stages, and that she wouldn't waste my time interviewing me if that was the case. I sent a thank you e-mail the day after the interview, and didn't get a response. then i sent another follow-up e-mail yesterday. i got a response today and the interviewer said that she would like to send me the analytical exercises for the next stage in the process BUT that someone else was in the final stages for another position on the team, and if she was made an offer then they would no longer have the capacity to hire for the position that I interviewed for. uhm... what.the.fuck? that makes absolutely no sense and it's taken everything in me not to respond angrily. this is the second time this organization has been shady during the interview process. the first time was with a completely different team and for a different position. apparently this is their MO, and with that in mind, I'm never applying for a job with them again. it's crystal clear they do not value applicants' time. i worked for them several years ago and enjoyed the work, but it's clear I need to let that go.
i interviewed for another job last month and didn't hear anything from the organization until earlier this week. after the interview, I didn't feel like it would be a good fit, so I wasn't concerned when I didn't hear anything and since i hadn't heard anything, just assumed that they had gone with other candidates. i was right. the irritating thing about the e-mail was that it was clearly a form letter sent to all applicants. The opening was, "Hello," but the sender didn't even bother to put in each applicants' name. That is an easy thing to do via mail merge. but, i guess that would have been too much like right. if anything, the job application process has shown me that some organizations/companies are lacking tremendously in professionalism. yeah, i know the job market is very competitive right now, and that leaves some feeling that they don't need to follow up with people appropriately because there are plenty who want the job. that's really a messed up way of dealing with people.
i gave my current complex notice that i would not be renewing my lease and because i wasn't sure about whether I'd be in Austin or not, I hadn't found a new place here in Austin. since time is running out and the rental market in Austin is incredibly tight in the summer, I contacted a realtor/apartment locator. actually, i sent an e-mail to the one i worked with when I moved to Austin, but he didn't e-mail me back.
so, the new guy and I went out today and looked at a few places. this locator was... strange and unprofessional. when we spoke over the phone, i sensed he was new at the job. he seemed incredibly nervous when he spoke with me and his tone smacked off inexperience. so, i get to the apartment locator office and we go through listings and it just became even more apparent that he was new at the job. he found places that met my specifications, but didn't really have a system for organizing. when we went out to the places, he mentioned that he'd been on the job for 3 weeks. he went in the wrong direction as soon as we left the parking lot. smh... he also read the directions he'd printed out WHILE driving. i suppose i could've used the GPS on my phone to help him out, but I was the client and didn't feel i should have to do that. also, his van wasn't especially clean. it wasn't filthy, but it definitely wasn't professional.when he would say something that was amusing, he laughed for a loooong time, even after I had stopped laughing. when we went to view apartments and were leaving, the leasing agent would open the door, and the apartment locator would jump to come out ahead of me. he opened doors for me, so it wasn't a chivalry issue, per se. but, i felt like the client should always step out first. oh, and he cursed... a lot. i'm not a prude about cursing (JE has the mouth of a sailor), but there is a time and a place for everything. he mentioned that he used to be an attorney and had a series of odd jobs since he left the profession. i noticed that the shoes he had on were VERY worn. actually, one was split at the heel. these are small things, but they speak volumes to me. though he said he loved his job, but it also seemed like he just fell into it.
I've dealt with locators in Houston and Austin, both drove BMWs that were immaculate, knew exactly where we needed to go, and seemed at ease. needless to say, there were also realtors, so I'm sure that was their bread and butter, not the income from apartment locating. the guy today was... unpolished. i want to e-mail his supervisor and explain what happened. not to get him in trouble, but just to explain that he needs polish. I don't know if that would make a difference or if he would be reprimanded. but, someone needs to tell him.
anyway, i found two places that i liked. both are over $100 more than what I pay now, but the complex where i am now was increasing by about the same amount but the apartment doesn't warrant the increase at all. and the fact that I've lived here nearly 3 years, always paid on time, no issues with me, etc. didn't matter when I told them I was leaving. oh, well, capitalism at its finest. smh...
the past few days I've been incredibly tired and all I wanted to do was sleep. i haven't been doing anything that required a lot of energy, so I wasn't sure what was happening. it finally dawned on me that I'm a little depressed. these setbacks regarding employment have really left me feeling as if all this additional education and work experience has been for nothing. deep down, I know that's not true and there are hundreds of people struggling to find a job. and, i do have a job that's pretty stress free and pays me pretty well, especially considering I'm only part time. but, what I'm doing now isn't enough. i feel like my gifts and talents are going to waste. i found out last week that for the next school year, i would only work on one project instead of 2-3 like i'm doing now. our department is funded via grants and other projects that the district pays for, so everyone's funding changes all the time. knowing that I'll only work on one thing does not excite me one bit. then again, maybe it is enough for now, until I complete my dissertation. maybe that's the point: I need to do something for the next year that gives me time to complete my dissertation in a year, even if the job is boring.
i think i'm also a little depressed because this relationship with JE is coming to an end. it's actually been a long time coming and I'm the one doing the breaking up, but... it's still hard to end something, especially when you've been together and through so many things in nearly 3 years. I'm holding my piece until the breakup is final to really talk about the causes, so I'll just leave it there for now.
on the bright side, one of my dissertation committee members e-mailed me last night and said he was nominating me for a scholar network that provides formal networking, mentoring and professional development for graduate students of color who intend to become professors of educational leadership. granted, I have to be approved, but it was still an honor to know I am being nominated. it was so strange because he just sent the e-mail out of the blue. *shrug*his e-mail also got me to thinking that IF i want to be a professor, I need to get collegiate level experience, somehow, some way. I've been slacking on that as well as getting published, because I didn't want to be a professor. now i see i need to get ready for it, even if i don't become one.
i'm also thinking of cutting my hair super short (think Rhianna in the Take Bow video) and get a dog. two things I've never done before. I'm not sure where these feelings are coming from... actually, i do know. i'm restless and feel the need to do something. hopefully some exciting and positive changes will come soon. i certainly need them.
until next time...
5.22.2012
just one of those days...
I tried out this recipe the other day and... man, it was awesome! I normally don't eat or cook pork, but was looking for something "authentic" to go with the mojitos i planned to make. we won't even discuss the fact that I planned the beverage first, and the dinner second. anyway, if you're looking for an easy and good meal, and you eat pork, check it out: Cuban Spiced Pork Tenderloin and Soffrito Rice on the Food Network.
the search for a new job continues. frankly, i'm over the job search, but i know i can't give up. i didn't get the two jobs i interviewed for about 3 weeks ago. honestly, i was angry when i was told they went with someone else for both roles, but only because of the way it was done. i'd reached out to senior management about openings back in December, and after seeing my resume, was encouraged to apply. the executive director and i remained in frequent communication between December until May, and he said he was "excited" i was applying, and had even been told they would prefer to staff one of the roles with someone from Oklahoma. i never took that to mean i had either job in the bag, but you know, i assumed it meant they thought i might be a good fit.
now, my experience didn't necessarily match the qualifications, but this company is known for selecting people for roles whose experiences can cross over to other roles. i worked for them a few years ago in a job that i'd never done before, but my skill set matched. anyway, i say all of that to say i went ahead and applied. it took forever for the jobs to post, and i had to wait until other applicants had a 1st interview before i had my first (but what would have been other applicants' second) interview. that was on May 1. so, it took nearly 5 months for an interview. i interviewed for both roles at the same time and after the 90 minute interview was told that i would hear something either at the end of the week or within a week. two weeks later... nothing. so, i e-mailed the Executive Director, and asked what was going on. he responded back almost immediately and said that while they were impressed with my work, they went with other candidates because they felt my skill set wouldn't be put to good use in either role. they went on to mention that the candidate pool quickly became very competitive and stemmed from people with over 10 years of experience in the type of work the role required. that's all well and good BUT I sent my resume months ago.... it was clear as day what my background is/was and that it didn't fit with the roles! if they had said when i first applied, you know, i don't think these roles are the best fit for you and we're looking for someone with more experience, i would have been FINE with that. but, don't have me wait damn near half a year to tell me what you could have told me from the jump. AND i had to e-mail and ask for updates on my application even though i was told I'd hear something within a week of my interview. it was all incredibly unprofessional.
so, after that news last week, i applied for more jobs. i came across one with an organization in Houston that i'd never even heard of, but they do work that matches my research interests perfectly. yeah, i know, Houston... I'd been planning to move back to OK, but... if a great job opportunity doesn't appear soon, i'm not going. i've been thinking that at this point in my life, i'm over jumping through hoops... even for a potential employer. now, i don't mean i'm going to interview and be all half-assed about it. nope. not in this economy. i just feel like right now, either you like me, or you don't. i had one interview for my current job, and it didn't feel like a formal interview. it was more like a conversation. a similar thing happened with my job with the university. i applied, interviewed, and about 30 minutes after i left the interview, i was sent an e-mail with a job offer. now, every job will not work out that way and some should require multiple interviews. but, one's work should speak for itself, and either you like it or not. and if not, that's ok.
anyway, back to Houston. so, i'm considering going back given the right opportunity. it's a city i know, there's plenty of Black people, my aunt is there, i have friends there, it's cheaper than living in Austin, and... the moving costs are substantially lower. so, i applied for a position last Tuesday night, and by Wednesday afternoon, i received an e-mail requesting an interview with senior management when they'd be in Austin the following Tuesday. that's what i'm talking about! get the ball rolling quickly and i won't have to drive all the way to Houston to interview. so, that interview happens tomorrow. crossing my fingers that it goes well!
i also applied for another job with the first company i mentioned at the beginning. it's a totally different department, and the location is flexible, so i won't have to deal with the Oklahoma regional office. i received an e-mail today asking about an interview for next Tuesday, and the person gave me a time slot of 3 hours for an initial interview. really? that's all the time you have for a phone interview? ok. since i'm at work at that time, that doesn't work for me. so, we'll see where that goes... if anywhere. I can't worry about it. all i can do is show my best self, and go from there.
i'm going on and on about the job search because i want to highlight challenges and successes. if i can blog about advancing to candidacy, i can talk about this job struggle. as time goes on, i can't help but shake the feeling that i want and need to work for myself. i just haven't figured out a way to make that happen... yet.
so, i used to hate Instagram... all the pics i saw were trash. but, uhm, now that it's been made available on the Android market... I love it! the right filter can really set a picture off... my profile pic is courtesy of Instagram. a simple car picture suddenly looks a little glam, all because of the right filter.
the search for a new job continues. frankly, i'm over the job search, but i know i can't give up. i didn't get the two jobs i interviewed for about 3 weeks ago. honestly, i was angry when i was told they went with someone else for both roles, but only because of the way it was done. i'd reached out to senior management about openings back in December, and after seeing my resume, was encouraged to apply. the executive director and i remained in frequent communication between December until May, and he said he was "excited" i was applying, and had even been told they would prefer to staff one of the roles with someone from Oklahoma. i never took that to mean i had either job in the bag, but you know, i assumed it meant they thought i might be a good fit.
now, my experience didn't necessarily match the qualifications, but this company is known for selecting people for roles whose experiences can cross over to other roles. i worked for them a few years ago in a job that i'd never done before, but my skill set matched. anyway, i say all of that to say i went ahead and applied. it took forever for the jobs to post, and i had to wait until other applicants had a 1st interview before i had my first (but what would have been other applicants' second) interview. that was on May 1. so, it took nearly 5 months for an interview. i interviewed for both roles at the same time and after the 90 minute interview was told that i would hear something either at the end of the week or within a week. two weeks later... nothing. so, i e-mailed the Executive Director, and asked what was going on. he responded back almost immediately and said that while they were impressed with my work, they went with other candidates because they felt my skill set wouldn't be put to good use in either role. they went on to mention that the candidate pool quickly became very competitive and stemmed from people with over 10 years of experience in the type of work the role required. that's all well and good BUT I sent my resume months ago.... it was clear as day what my background is/was and that it didn't fit with the roles! if they had said when i first applied, you know, i don't think these roles are the best fit for you and we're looking for someone with more experience, i would have been FINE with that. but, don't have me wait damn near half a year to tell me what you could have told me from the jump. AND i had to e-mail and ask for updates on my application even though i was told I'd hear something within a week of my interview. it was all incredibly unprofessional.
so, after that news last week, i applied for more jobs. i came across one with an organization in Houston that i'd never even heard of, but they do work that matches my research interests perfectly. yeah, i know, Houston... I'd been planning to move back to OK, but... if a great job opportunity doesn't appear soon, i'm not going. i've been thinking that at this point in my life, i'm over jumping through hoops... even for a potential employer. now, i don't mean i'm going to interview and be all half-assed about it. nope. not in this economy. i just feel like right now, either you like me, or you don't. i had one interview for my current job, and it didn't feel like a formal interview. it was more like a conversation. a similar thing happened with my job with the university. i applied, interviewed, and about 30 minutes after i left the interview, i was sent an e-mail with a job offer. now, every job will not work out that way and some should require multiple interviews. but, one's work should speak for itself, and either you like it or not. and if not, that's ok.
anyway, back to Houston. so, i'm considering going back given the right opportunity. it's a city i know, there's plenty of Black people, my aunt is there, i have friends there, it's cheaper than living in Austin, and... the moving costs are substantially lower. so, i applied for a position last Tuesday night, and by Wednesday afternoon, i received an e-mail requesting an interview with senior management when they'd be in Austin the following Tuesday. that's what i'm talking about! get the ball rolling quickly and i won't have to drive all the way to Houston to interview. so, that interview happens tomorrow. crossing my fingers that it goes well!
i also applied for another job with the first company i mentioned at the beginning. it's a totally different department, and the location is flexible, so i won't have to deal with the Oklahoma regional office. i received an e-mail today asking about an interview for next Tuesday, and the person gave me a time slot of 3 hours for an initial interview. really? that's all the time you have for a phone interview? ok. since i'm at work at that time, that doesn't work for me. so, we'll see where that goes... if anywhere. I can't worry about it. all i can do is show my best self, and go from there.
i'm going on and on about the job search because i want to highlight challenges and successes. if i can blog about advancing to candidacy, i can talk about this job struggle. as time goes on, i can't help but shake the feeling that i want and need to work for myself. i just haven't figured out a way to make that happen... yet.
so, i used to hate Instagram... all the pics i saw were trash. but, uhm, now that it's been made available on the Android market... I love it! the right filter can really set a picture off... my profile pic is courtesy of Instagram. a simple car picture suddenly looks a little glam, all because of the right filter.
5.08.2012
who's down with ABD?
Guess who is a doctoral candidate and officially all but dissertation (ABD)! Me!!! I submitted my last assignment for my last class EVER yesterday. Mission: Complete My Dissertation is on and poppin'! I had my dissertation proposal meeting/defense a few weeks ago and it went very well. Even better than I hoped it would, actually. I was incredibly nervous the entire week before it took place, and hours before, my stomach was in knots. I thought I was going to be sick. My aunt (who lives in Houston) was coming, and ended up leaving late, and so I had to spend some time giving her directions to campus instead of my apartment. Also, she was supposed to go and pick up snacks for the meeting when she arrived in Austin. but, since there wouldn't be time for that, I had to do it. I finished the PowerPoint the night before, and hadn't even practiced my presentation. i know, that's not a good thing BUT I'm notorious for procrastinating. other people in my program practiced their presentation with classmates and... I did not. :-/ I just did not have time. but, the thing is, I felt confident about my topic and that it would add to the knowledge base. I was very uncertain regarding the methods, but i knew my committee would address that and help me think about how to accomplish everything. and, that's exactly what they did. honestly, i couldn't ask for a more helpful and... in harmony (idk if that's the right meaning) committee. sometimes dissertation committee members have animosity with one another or they may bicker about how they want you to accomplish something, or someone doesn't show up (at least four out of the five need to be present) and can really make life hard for the student. However, I don't have that problem at all.
So, last night was the first night in.... well, I don't know how long that I was able to just live life. I didn't feel guilty that I wasn't working on something for a class... because, you know, it felt like there was always something due. I made lemon drop martinis and enjoyed... several of them, and actually went to bed at a decent hour. Apparently I slept through the neighbors arguing at 3 am. According to JE, they were arguing, the woman hit the man, the man hit her back, she became even more enraged and started throwing things and moving furniture. smh... At some point the quieted down, and I had no knowledge of anything. Until I opened the front door on my way to work. I was greeted by blood droplets trailing down the stairs, blood smudges on the building as you're walking down the stairs. Not massive amounts of blood, but blood all the same. It looked like someone had been cut or something. The neighbors weren't at home. So, I called the office on the way to work and left a message explaining what happened. The management is so... raggedy, they haven't called me back. As JE was leaving for work, he said he stopped the maintenance guys who knocked on the neighbors' door, but there again, no answer. They also said they'd clean the blood, but wanted him to file a report. *blank stare* domestic incidents are tricky and while no one wants to see anyone hurt or even killed, getting involved in them can be a mess. i can see if I knew the neighbors, but I don't. anyway, that was the drama for this morning. there was a recent story that Austin's apartment complexes are at 95% capacity right now, which explains the $64/month rent increase. So, once we leave, someone will happily sign up for that mess of a complex.
Speaking of moving, I gave my notice that I will not renew the lease a few weeks ago. Still no job lined up in Tulsa. I had a 90 minute interview last week for two positions w/ the same company. when I spoke with the Executive Director about both positions, he said they anticipated having 3-5 final interviews for the positions. I've worked for this company before and I know the importance they place on hiring the right people for jobs. But, they have to know that 5 interviews is too much. The only places I know of that have many interviews are for university positions, and even they do not have 5. smh... I'm supposed to hear something today about whether or not I will move forward. I honestly couldn't gauge how the interview went last week. So, there were a total of four other people on the call, but only one interviewed me, and the rest were asked if they had any questions for me, and no one had any. Also, when I was responding to questions, there was very little follow-up to my responses. Now, I know this organization has a rubric for interviews, and if you don't provide enough information, they ask "probing" questions to help them rate you on the rubric. The thing is, I don't know what the rubric for this position is, so I don't know how my responses fell on their scale. The thing that's bothering me the most is the silence. Oh, well, I did the best I can. What's for me, is for me. The executive director told me that if the timeline didn't work for me, to let them know. If I don't hear anything today, I do plan to follow up and ask if we can expedite the process. I actually started inquiring about the positions opening up back in December, so yeah... this is taking too long.
I'm still planning to look at places to stay while we're in Tulsa this weekend. it'll be kinda of tricky because I don't have a firm move date, but I'm hoping it will be by the end of June. my lease expires July 17, and my contract with my current job ends on June 30. so, yeah, I need something to happen soon. of course, i could just stay here in Austin, but I don't want to do that at all.
hmmm... what else to report? I'm drawing a blank, so...
until next time...
So, last night was the first night in.... well, I don't know how long that I was able to just live life. I didn't feel guilty that I wasn't working on something for a class... because, you know, it felt like there was always something due. I made lemon drop martinis and enjoyed... several of them, and actually went to bed at a decent hour. Apparently I slept through the neighbors arguing at 3 am. According to JE, they were arguing, the woman hit the man, the man hit her back, she became even more enraged and started throwing things and moving furniture. smh... At some point the quieted down, and I had no knowledge of anything. Until I opened the front door on my way to work. I was greeted by blood droplets trailing down the stairs, blood smudges on the building as you're walking down the stairs. Not massive amounts of blood, but blood all the same. It looked like someone had been cut or something. The neighbors weren't at home. So, I called the office on the way to work and left a message explaining what happened. The management is so... raggedy, they haven't called me back. As JE was leaving for work, he said he stopped the maintenance guys who knocked on the neighbors' door, but there again, no answer. They also said they'd clean the blood, but wanted him to file a report. *blank stare* domestic incidents are tricky and while no one wants to see anyone hurt or even killed, getting involved in them can be a mess. i can see if I knew the neighbors, but I don't. anyway, that was the drama for this morning. there was a recent story that Austin's apartment complexes are at 95% capacity right now, which explains the $64/month rent increase. So, once we leave, someone will happily sign up for that mess of a complex.
Speaking of moving, I gave my notice that I will not renew the lease a few weeks ago. Still no job lined up in Tulsa. I had a 90 minute interview last week for two positions w/ the same company. when I spoke with the Executive Director about both positions, he said they anticipated having 3-5 final interviews for the positions. I've worked for this company before and I know the importance they place on hiring the right people for jobs. But, they have to know that 5 interviews is too much. The only places I know of that have many interviews are for university positions, and even they do not have 5. smh... I'm supposed to hear something today about whether or not I will move forward. I honestly couldn't gauge how the interview went last week. So, there were a total of four other people on the call, but only one interviewed me, and the rest were asked if they had any questions for me, and no one had any. Also, when I was responding to questions, there was very little follow-up to my responses. Now, I know this organization has a rubric for interviews, and if you don't provide enough information, they ask "probing" questions to help them rate you on the rubric. The thing is, I don't know what the rubric for this position is, so I don't know how my responses fell on their scale. The thing that's bothering me the most is the silence. Oh, well, I did the best I can. What's for me, is for me. The executive director told me that if the timeline didn't work for me, to let them know. If I don't hear anything today, I do plan to follow up and ask if we can expedite the process. I actually started inquiring about the positions opening up back in December, so yeah... this is taking too long.
I'm still planning to look at places to stay while we're in Tulsa this weekend. it'll be kinda of tricky because I don't have a firm move date, but I'm hoping it will be by the end of June. my lease expires July 17, and my contract with my current job ends on June 30. so, yeah, I need something to happen soon. of course, i could just stay here in Austin, but I don't want to do that at all.
hmmm... what else to report? I'm drawing a blank, so...
until next time...
4.22.2012
i've got evidence, i've got confidence... i know who i am
Friday's the date of my dissertation proposal meeting. i am... nervous! I mean, i know it's a good topic and that I've thought it through, but I'm still nervous about answering questions about my plans. my aunt is coming for moral support, and one of my friends is coming to take notes on what the committee says i need to change or modify, so i'm glad they will be there, but... i'm still a bundle of nerves! if you're a praying person, please pray that all goes well on Friday! and if you don't pray, just send good thoughts, ok? :-)
the new job search continues. i got word from the charter school that they weren't going to move forward with me in the application process. i wasn't upset by the news for a few reasons. one, i knew i didn't have all the experience they needed for the job. two, i didn't really want the position, and had been considering withdrawing from the process. so, it all worked out. that leaves two other positions i applied for at another company. i want them both, one more than the other, and i feel really confident about them both, even though my interview isn't until May 1. i was actually given several earlier interview dates, but they all conflicted with work or school. actually, the May 1 date is when I'm supposed to be in class, but my professor will just have to understand. gotta try to get this money!
speaking of money, i'm trying to figure out how to make this move work. see, i'll have two jobs through the end of May. so, i'd like to quit the primary job and begin a new job by mid-June June. the only problem is my lease isn't up until July 17. and i can't really afford to pay to live in two places at once. i mean, i have enough money for first and last month's rent, and i'm close to having enough money to pay movers. but, it'll be very tight until i actually have one full-time job.
I've been looking at rental homes on Craiglist and saw three that i adored. well, from the pictures, at least. i'm completely against living in an apartment again, and found a few places with 2-3 bedrooms that aren't too much more than what i pay for this little one bedroom apartment in Austin. and let me tell you, this complex gets on my last nerve more and more each day. the last episode involved a construction crew blocking the primary access to my apartment and when i called the front office, the woman (not the manager) acted like she couldn't care less. i also got the letter about renewing my lease. turns out they're raising the rent by $64/month. the only thing that makes this apartment complex advantageous is the fact that it's on the university shuttle bus route and the neighborhood is nice. there are a few complexes, but the neighborhood is mainly comprised of houses owned by people with moderate-high incomes. i actually can't believe they allowed zoning for any apartment complexes, but it is what it is.
work is... slowly draining the life out of me. well, at my primary job, at least. everyday i'm there i wonder why. i come in and do what i'm supposed to do, all the while hating every minute of it. i think the biggest issue i have is the lack of innovation and autonomy. working for a major school district means that every action has to go through multiple layers of approval. sending e-mails, creating and disseminating survey results, everything has to be approved. now, i understand why this is the case, but it just feels oppressive, you know? added to that, my manager is the type who's very involved with everything related to the work i do. i'm not sure if it's because i'm relatively new to the district or if it's because i'm only part time. but, i swear, every thing related to anything, she's involved in it. for example, i facilitated a focus group yesterday (yes, on a Saturday. grrrr!!!). when i did it last year, my manager at the time sent me on my way with the team's laptop and a microphone to record.
not the current manager. she went along to take notes. now, it's actually good to have someone take notes during a focus group because it's hard to facilitate and type responses at the same time, but i don't understand her need to be involved in every facet. she's paid under this grant as well, so that's part of it, but I still feel little autonomy. also, i really couldn't care less about any of the projects that i'm working on. i honestly don't feel like any of the work will make a difference other than to say the work was done for reporting purposes. the other day i was revising a set of focus group questions and looked back at earlier versions. umm, why did i send the first draft six months ago?! you mean to tell me, we've been working on these questions for six months?! and the kicker is that the results of the report will likely remain internal, so no one but 2-3 people outside my department will see them. I understand it's important to do excellent work regardless of how many people see it. i'm just not able to shake the feeling that i really couldn't care less about any of it, and if i didn't need the money, I'd be gone. so, i take all of this to mean that it's time to quit, as soon as possible. i'm just praying I can do this sooner than later. my inner-self (who has a YOLO mentality) says to make May 31 my last day, new job or not. but, the rational self (who knows I have bills to pay) says that would be stupid.
let's see, what else. oh, yeah. whenever and wherever i move, JE will not be joining me. in fact, the move will mark the end of the relationship. i'm glad about it. he's not. oh well. sigh... once it's all said and done, i'll blog about what's transpired that's left me feeling this way. but, i'd prefer to wait until it's finally over. just suffice it to say that dating your opposite is not what it's cracked up to be. smh...
i've actually started to allow myself to daydream about the life i want. i'm such a realist, that i've only allowed myself to see things for what they are today. and i've really sold myself short in a number of ways.
when i look at all the weight i've put on since moving to Austin, all i can do is shake my head. i haven't been this heavy in nearly 8 years, when i graduated from Spelman. i lost a lot of the weight when i moved to California, because i had to walk everywhere and fast food wasn't a ready option, and i had to cook for myself and i wasn't a skilled cook yet. oh, and there was the grief and depression associated with my mother's death. all of those factors led to that weight sliding right off. when i moved to Austin, i was a nice C cup and now i've worked myself up to a DD. not good. i'm trying to figure out what happened. i know i haven't been working out like i should, but to be honest, i've never worked out consistently. i do know my stress level has been off the charts since i've been here, for a variety of reasons. school, work, relationship issues, money issues, health problems. it's taken it's toll on me.
i want to take a concealed weapons course. I don't feel unsafe, per se, but i still think it'd be good to have that knowledge under my belt. the thing is, i know nothing about guns and they actually make mer nervous. then again, that could be because i don't know anything about how to use them properly. also, it seems that guns are actually kinda expensive, so i may hold off on taking the course and purchasing a weapon until my employment and living situations are solidified.
i want a new Twitter name. what should it be, what should it be? hmmmm....
so, i've been using a MacBook for a few months now as part of my job and... I don't like it. don't get me wrong, it has some nice bells and whistles, but i'm just not left with the feeling that i must have one of my own. I've got to turn that around.
my blogiversary was April 11 and i completely forgot to blog that day! whoops! I did look over some old blog posts and man... some of the things i've experienced... some awesome and some not so awesome. but, that's life, right? one thing that i did wonder is if i've demonstrated that i've matured since my first blog six years ago. i mean, i feel like i've grown, but i don't know if i do a good job of showing that in my writing. hmmm... that being said, i'm incredibly thankful for the faithful few who still come along and comment on my so-called life.
the new job search continues. i got word from the charter school that they weren't going to move forward with me in the application process. i wasn't upset by the news for a few reasons. one, i knew i didn't have all the experience they needed for the job. two, i didn't really want the position, and had been considering withdrawing from the process. so, it all worked out. that leaves two other positions i applied for at another company. i want them both, one more than the other, and i feel really confident about them both, even though my interview isn't until May 1. i was actually given several earlier interview dates, but they all conflicted with work or school. actually, the May 1 date is when I'm supposed to be in class, but my professor will just have to understand. gotta try to get this money!
speaking of money, i'm trying to figure out how to make this move work. see, i'll have two jobs through the end of May. so, i'd like to quit the primary job and begin a new job by mid-June June. the only problem is my lease isn't up until July 17. and i can't really afford to pay to live in two places at once. i mean, i have enough money for first and last month's rent, and i'm close to having enough money to pay movers. but, it'll be very tight until i actually have one full-time job.
I've been looking at rental homes on Craiglist and saw three that i adored. well, from the pictures, at least. i'm completely against living in an apartment again, and found a few places with 2-3 bedrooms that aren't too much more than what i pay for this little one bedroom apartment in Austin. and let me tell you, this complex gets on my last nerve more and more each day. the last episode involved a construction crew blocking the primary access to my apartment and when i called the front office, the woman (not the manager) acted like she couldn't care less. i also got the letter about renewing my lease. turns out they're raising the rent by $64/month. the only thing that makes this apartment complex advantageous is the fact that it's on the university shuttle bus route and the neighborhood is nice. there are a few complexes, but the neighborhood is mainly comprised of houses owned by people with moderate-high incomes. i actually can't believe they allowed zoning for any apartment complexes, but it is what it is.
work is... slowly draining the life out of me. well, at my primary job, at least. everyday i'm there i wonder why. i come in and do what i'm supposed to do, all the while hating every minute of it. i think the biggest issue i have is the lack of innovation and autonomy. working for a major school district means that every action has to go through multiple layers of approval. sending e-mails, creating and disseminating survey results, everything has to be approved. now, i understand why this is the case, but it just feels oppressive, you know? added to that, my manager is the type who's very involved with everything related to the work i do. i'm not sure if it's because i'm relatively new to the district or if it's because i'm only part time. but, i swear, every thing related to anything, she's involved in it. for example, i facilitated a focus group yesterday (yes, on a Saturday. grrrr!!!). when i did it last year, my manager at the time sent me on my way with the team's laptop and a microphone to record.
not the current manager. she went along to take notes. now, it's actually good to have someone take notes during a focus group because it's hard to facilitate and type responses at the same time, but i don't understand her need to be involved in every facet. she's paid under this grant as well, so that's part of it, but I still feel little autonomy. also, i really couldn't care less about any of the projects that i'm working on. i honestly don't feel like any of the work will make a difference other than to say the work was done for reporting purposes. the other day i was revising a set of focus group questions and looked back at earlier versions. umm, why did i send the first draft six months ago?! you mean to tell me, we've been working on these questions for six months?! and the kicker is that the results of the report will likely remain internal, so no one but 2-3 people outside my department will see them. I understand it's important to do excellent work regardless of how many people see it. i'm just not able to shake the feeling that i really couldn't care less about any of it, and if i didn't need the money, I'd be gone. so, i take all of this to mean that it's time to quit, as soon as possible. i'm just praying I can do this sooner than later. my inner-self (who has a YOLO mentality) says to make May 31 my last day, new job or not. but, the rational self (who knows I have bills to pay) says that would be stupid.
let's see, what else. oh, yeah. whenever and wherever i move, JE will not be joining me. in fact, the move will mark the end of the relationship. i'm glad about it. he's not. oh well. sigh... once it's all said and done, i'll blog about what's transpired that's left me feeling this way. but, i'd prefer to wait until it's finally over. just suffice it to say that dating your opposite is not what it's cracked up to be. smh...
i've actually started to allow myself to daydream about the life i want. i'm such a realist, that i've only allowed myself to see things for what they are today. and i've really sold myself short in a number of ways.
when i look at all the weight i've put on since moving to Austin, all i can do is shake my head. i haven't been this heavy in nearly 8 years, when i graduated from Spelman. i lost a lot of the weight when i moved to California, because i had to walk everywhere and fast food wasn't a ready option, and i had to cook for myself and i wasn't a skilled cook yet. oh, and there was the grief and depression associated with my mother's death. all of those factors led to that weight sliding right off. when i moved to Austin, i was a nice C cup and now i've worked myself up to a DD. not good. i'm trying to figure out what happened. i know i haven't been working out like i should, but to be honest, i've never worked out consistently. i do know my stress level has been off the charts since i've been here, for a variety of reasons. school, work, relationship issues, money issues, health problems. it's taken it's toll on me.
i want to take a concealed weapons course. I don't feel unsafe, per se, but i still think it'd be good to have that knowledge under my belt. the thing is, i know nothing about guns and they actually make mer nervous. then again, that could be because i don't know anything about how to use them properly. also, it seems that guns are actually kinda expensive, so i may hold off on taking the course and purchasing a weapon until my employment and living situations are solidified.
i want a new Twitter name. what should it be, what should it be? hmmmm....
so, i've been using a MacBook for a few months now as part of my job and... I don't like it. don't get me wrong, it has some nice bells and whistles, but i'm just not left with the feeling that i must have one of my own. I've got to turn that around.
my blogiversary was April 11 and i completely forgot to blog that day! whoops! I did look over some old blog posts and man... some of the things i've experienced... some awesome and some not so awesome. but, that's life, right? one thing that i did wonder is if i've demonstrated that i've matured since my first blog six years ago. i mean, i feel like i've grown, but i don't know if i do a good job of showing that in my writing. hmmm... that being said, i'm incredibly thankful for the faithful few who still come along and comment on my so-called life.
4.06.2012
what about your friends (part 3)
I woke up on Saturday morning still feeling angry. it takes a lot to ruffle my feathers, but once they are, it takes me a minute to pull myself back together. i was supposed to be at the church by 10:30 for makeup. i woke up around 8:00 a.m. (went to bed after 2 a.m.) and was seriously considering not showing up. i checked my phone messages and saw the bride left a text message at 6:15 a.m. it was a loooong message and she said she was sorry for any hurt or pain her wedding caused, that in hindsight, last night was not the best time to discuss what went down with the shower and bachelorette party and that seeing the emotions displayed, other people needed to be present, she never would've imagined having that kind of conversation the night before our weddings, and that all she wanted to do was get married, but if we were too hurt to be able to have a positive attitude and smile, then we didn't have to come. all i could do was roll my eyes. yes, i understood that it was her wedding day and i did want her to have a great day. but, it was as if she completely ignored the fact that her crazy mama jumped everything off. sigh...
after i read that text, i called my aunt who lives in Houston. i think i've mentioned that she and i are pretty close, and so i really wanted to get her thoughts on what i should do. but, she didn't pick up her phone. :-( but, another friend called. she is also friends with the bride, and would have been a bridesmaid if she didn't live out of the country. somehow the bride got in contact with her to tell her she was getting married, and she happened to be in Tulsa. long story short, for the past week she'd been helping the bride get ready for the wedding. when i answered the phone the first thing she said was, "what happened?!" apparently she had texted the bride and asked her if she needed anything, the bride said "prayer," and forwarded the text she sent to us at 6:15. so, i told her what happened the night before and she was astounded. she couldn't believe the MOB had acted like that and that the bride basically co-signed. i also explained to her what everyone else had said about the bride being difficult to reason with and that she hadn't returned calls or responded when people offered to assist.
so, then my friend told me that for the past week, the MOB had been complaining about the bridesmaids, saying how she didn't like them and that they disgusted her. but, my friend said she hadn't named any names. she said that if she had, she'd have called her out because she knew how me and the friend that i got my hair done with operate and she wasn't going to let her slander us. anyway, we're talking and i tell her i don't even want to show up. she says she understands because she also doesn't know how to not show her feelings. then she mentions some issues that the bride and groom had before and since they'd been engaged and how she was... skeptical. honestly, i'd been feeling the same way. i don't know... the lack of love i felt over the weekend just left me wondering if they were meant to marry. i was not hoping for the demise of their marriage, but i just didn't feel good about their union. something didn't feel right at all. my friend and i got off the phone, and i went to take a shower.
after i got out the shower, my aunt called me back, and i told her what had happened. she said it sounded like the bride wanted to be married, but not to that guy. she said that there were just too many warning signs to ignore. she advised me to go ahead and attend the wedding and do what my friend needed. then we prayed because she said that it sounded like this wedding wasn't meant to happen, and that we needed to pray that God's will be done and intercede for the bride and groom. in my heart i knew the wedding would happen. it slowly dawned on me that what my friend wanted most was a wedding. she may have wanted to be married, but mostly she wanted this glamorous wedding. maybe because i've never even thought about my wedding (and until recently was cool on getting married period) but i just don't understand the obsession with a 20 minute wedding. at this point, i want to work on a lasting marriage. fuck a bougie wedding. and that's why i declined JE's marriage proposal... deep down, i knew it wouldn't last. but, i digress. i just knew that the bride was going to proceed with the wedding.
so, i collected my things and went to the church. everyone who'd been cussed out the night before was there... no one was unpleasant, but i could tell we were there to do a job. i saw the bride once before she put her dress on, when she was inspecting our makeup. she seemed a little bothered that the makeup artist hadn't done the same look for everyone. smh... we're bridesmaids, not Stepford wives! the makeup looked beautiful. the dresses were fine, and to make a long story short(er), we all watched the bride and groom say "I do."
and, all i could think about was that she got the wedding she wanted. she had two dresses: one for the ceremony and one for the reception. the reception dress was just as elaborate as the ceremony dress. the makeup artist had stayed all day to re-do her makeup so that it matched the style of the second dress. they had a reception and dinner (for invited guests) at the Mayo Hotel. this hotel is a historic, luxury hotel in Tulsa that was recently remodeled. having your wedding dinner there is kind of a big deal. we were in the Crystal Ballroom, which seated about 300 people, and everything was gorgeous. it was truly a fairytale wedding. and, every woman deserves to have her dream wedding. i stayed through the toasts, couple's first dance, father-daughter dance, the groom's dance with his mother, the cake cutting, and then i quietly slipped out. didn't say goodbye to anyone. i just left.
by the time i left, i was convinced i'd just participated in a wedding performance. my issue wasn't with the elaborateness of it all. like i said, if you got the money to do it, go for it. i just felt like it was more about having a wedding than starting a marriage. the MOB wore two dresses (ceremony and reception), which led me to believe (along with everything else) that she considered it her wedding. it's like she was trying to live through her daughter. and that's sick and sad all at the same time. i also noticed that the wedding didn't really have any personal touches. like, i could have been watching anyone get married, you know? it just felt like the wedding was an attempt to floss and shine. and that really bothered me. now, i could be all wrong about this, and the bride and groom could be madly in love with another and will be married 50+ years. but... i'm not convinced.
when all is said and done, i have mixed feelings. on one hand, i'm glad the bride had the wedding she desired and has the man she's been praying for so earnestly. but, i'm also left wondering if our friendship is worth salvaging. i can forgive people, but it's damn near IMPOSSIBLE for me to forget things. that's a blessing and a curse. so, until i decide what i want to do, i'm keeping my distance. calls, texts, and e-mails will go unanswered. i won't be contacting her when i come into town. nothing...
until next time...
after i read that text, i called my aunt who lives in Houston. i think i've mentioned that she and i are pretty close, and so i really wanted to get her thoughts on what i should do. but, she didn't pick up her phone. :-( but, another friend called. she is also friends with the bride, and would have been a bridesmaid if she didn't live out of the country. somehow the bride got in contact with her to tell her she was getting married, and she happened to be in Tulsa. long story short, for the past week she'd been helping the bride get ready for the wedding. when i answered the phone the first thing she said was, "what happened?!" apparently she had texted the bride and asked her if she needed anything, the bride said "prayer," and forwarded the text she sent to us at 6:15. so, i told her what happened the night before and she was astounded. she couldn't believe the MOB had acted like that and that the bride basically co-signed. i also explained to her what everyone else had said about the bride being difficult to reason with and that she hadn't returned calls or responded when people offered to assist.
so, then my friend told me that for the past week, the MOB had been complaining about the bridesmaids, saying how she didn't like them and that they disgusted her. but, my friend said she hadn't named any names. she said that if she had, she'd have called her out because she knew how me and the friend that i got my hair done with operate and she wasn't going to let her slander us. anyway, we're talking and i tell her i don't even want to show up. she says she understands because she also doesn't know how to not show her feelings. then she mentions some issues that the bride and groom had before and since they'd been engaged and how she was... skeptical. honestly, i'd been feeling the same way. i don't know... the lack of love i felt over the weekend just left me wondering if they were meant to marry. i was not hoping for the demise of their marriage, but i just didn't feel good about their union. something didn't feel right at all. my friend and i got off the phone, and i went to take a shower.
after i got out the shower, my aunt called me back, and i told her what had happened. she said it sounded like the bride wanted to be married, but not to that guy. she said that there were just too many warning signs to ignore. she advised me to go ahead and attend the wedding and do what my friend needed. then we prayed because she said that it sounded like this wedding wasn't meant to happen, and that we needed to pray that God's will be done and intercede for the bride and groom. in my heart i knew the wedding would happen. it slowly dawned on me that what my friend wanted most was a wedding. she may have wanted to be married, but mostly she wanted this glamorous wedding. maybe because i've never even thought about my wedding (and until recently was cool on getting married period) but i just don't understand the obsession with a 20 minute wedding. at this point, i want to work on a lasting marriage. fuck a bougie wedding. and that's why i declined JE's marriage proposal... deep down, i knew it wouldn't last. but, i digress. i just knew that the bride was going to proceed with the wedding.
so, i collected my things and went to the church. everyone who'd been cussed out the night before was there... no one was unpleasant, but i could tell we were there to do a job. i saw the bride once before she put her dress on, when she was inspecting our makeup. she seemed a little bothered that the makeup artist hadn't done the same look for everyone. smh... we're bridesmaids, not Stepford wives! the makeup looked beautiful. the dresses were fine, and to make a long story short(er), we all watched the bride and groom say "I do."
and, all i could think about was that she got the wedding she wanted. she had two dresses: one for the ceremony and one for the reception. the reception dress was just as elaborate as the ceremony dress. the makeup artist had stayed all day to re-do her makeup so that it matched the style of the second dress. they had a reception and dinner (for invited guests) at the Mayo Hotel. this hotel is a historic, luxury hotel in Tulsa that was recently remodeled. having your wedding dinner there is kind of a big deal. we were in the Crystal Ballroom, which seated about 300 people, and everything was gorgeous. it was truly a fairytale wedding. and, every woman deserves to have her dream wedding. i stayed through the toasts, couple's first dance, father-daughter dance, the groom's dance with his mother, the cake cutting, and then i quietly slipped out. didn't say goodbye to anyone. i just left.
by the time i left, i was convinced i'd just participated in a wedding performance. my issue wasn't with the elaborateness of it all. like i said, if you got the money to do it, go for it. i just felt like it was more about having a wedding than starting a marriage. the MOB wore two dresses (ceremony and reception), which led me to believe (along with everything else) that she considered it her wedding. it's like she was trying to live through her daughter. and that's sick and sad all at the same time. i also noticed that the wedding didn't really have any personal touches. like, i could have been watching anyone get married, you know? it just felt like the wedding was an attempt to floss and shine. and that really bothered me. now, i could be all wrong about this, and the bride and groom could be madly in love with another and will be married 50+ years. but... i'm not convinced.
when all is said and done, i have mixed feelings. on one hand, i'm glad the bride had the wedding she desired and has the man she's been praying for so earnestly. but, i'm also left wondering if our friendship is worth salvaging. i can forgive people, but it's damn near IMPOSSIBLE for me to forget things. that's a blessing and a curse. so, until i decide what i want to do, i'm keeping my distance. calls, texts, and e-mails will go unanswered. i won't be contacting her when i come into town. nothing...
until next time...
4.04.2012
what about your friends (part 2)
Friday morning, i got up bright and early, and went with my friend who was also a bridesmaid to get out hair done. i really don't like anyone but my regular stylist doing my hair. i think i've mentioned i still drive 3 hours to get my hair done in Houston. anyway, i knew i'd need to see someone in Tulsa. so, my friend and i went to see her mom's stylist. (my friend lives in OKC.)
a few days before, one of the maids of honor e-mailed the itinerary for the weekend. it was PACKED. i basically wasn't going to get to see any of my family that weekend. i wasn't happy with that, but charged it to the game. i mean, it was wedding weekend, so we were supposed to have fun, right? hmph...
we get our hair done, rush to Chili's, where we're supposed to meet for lunch. we get there, meet the bridesmaids, eat, and then head over to the nail salon. now, the schedule said we had two hours for manicures and pedicures. and... there were 10 of us. right. 10 women getting manicures and pedicures... in two hours, so that we could make it to the rehearsal by 6. now, we were expected to pay for the manicures and pedicures and the bride wanted us to all get French manicures and pedicures. now, i hate French because it doesn't look good on me. and... since i was paying for it, i didn't feel like i should get a color i know doesn't look good on me. so, i told her i was fine getting pink (her colors were pink, black, and white), but not the French. also, our dresses were covering our feet and really, who was going to look at our nails. the bride seemed bit skeptical, but said ok. i suppose i could have gotten the French and then got a polish change when i was back in Austin. but, that would mean more money and time. so... nope. plus, i was already wearing a dress and shoes i didn't care for, wearing my hair straight (not at the bride's request, by i kinda thought she'd prefer it straight), damn it... i was going to at least wear the polish color i wanted.
anyway, we end up having to get our nails done in shifts of 2-3. at some point, the bride's mother showed up and got a pedicure. she was talking to all the bridesmaids, smiling, laughing, etc. i hadn't seen her in a long time, but she acted like she always does. (remember this, because it's key to the story's climax.) by 5:30, the bride, the bride's mom, and the bridesmaid who TOLD us we were hosting a shower had left. and the rehearsal was at 6:00. right. there were still six of us in the middle of getting our nails done, and everyone but me was getting the French tips, so that takes extra time. i couldn't believe the bride had planned so little time for everyone to get what she wanted done. she should have asked us to get it done on our own time, wherever we wanted to go.
anyway, my friend and i get to the church at 7:00. yes, an hour after the start time. when we showed up at the rehearsal, that made the first time i ever saw the groom in my life. now, when i was in my other friends' weddings, i met their man before they even got engaged. i didn't know them extremely well, but i'd been around them on several occasions. and, you know, the groom never introduced himself to me and my other friend who hadn't met him... odd. like, we're in your wedding, and you don't introduce yourself. ok. whatever.
after we rehearse, we head over to the dinner at an Italian restaurant. at the dinner, the bride's mother stood up and said how happy she was that the groom was going to be part of their family. and then she had him come up, and he looked so... uncomfortable. she had the rest of the family come up, and then introduced her family who was there and the bridesmaids. then she had the the groom introduce his family and groomsmen. then she started rambling about the birthday cake she'd ordered for her husband (his birthday was the same day as the rehearsal dinner). she then began to describe the cake in great detail... like we weren't going to see it. and, then the bride thanked all of us, said she loved the groom, and told us we could get in line for our food. i don't know, i just felt underwhelmed by it all. i mean, the mother of the bride really only talked about herself, and didn't say much about her daughter. i just didn't feel the love. it felt like... a performance.
once the dinner's over, we go out to parking lot, some of us give the bride some lingerie at her car and are getting ready to go back to one of maids of honor's hotel room to put together some wedding favors.
and the bride's mother pulls us together and says: "I just wanted to say that you all disgust me. Each and everyone of you is disgusting to me. I can't even stand to look at you. And, I'm most disappointed in you Shawna (one of the maids of honor)! I don't even know why you're here. Your attitude has been awful, when my daughter stuck up for you... None of you are friends!" Now, i was dumbfounded. i had no idea what had made her so angry. She looked like she wanted to spit on all six of us. However, four of the others must have had some idea of what set her off because they all started saying that she didn't have the full story, that she didn't understand everything. she told one of them to just shut up.
And then her husband came over and started pulling her away. the two maids of honor went over to try and talk to her, two of the other bridesmaids went over to talk to one another to avoid a fight, and my friend (who was also clueless) went over to the bride's car. mind you, while this was all happening, the bride was sitting with her car running. somehow i deduced that the bride and her mother were mad because... she didn't have a bachelorette party. and the MOB (mother of the bride) may have been upset because she felt the bridesmaids hadn't done enough for the wedding. but, i don't know what she expected. they decided to plan an elaborate wedding in four months with seven (of eight) bridesmaids living out of town, with their own lives, which included school, children, spouses, etc. it's not our fault you were stressed out and things didn't happen the way they should have.
anyway, after the MOB drove off, all six of us tried talking to the bride, and it was confirmed that she was mad that she didn't have a bridal shower and a bachelorette party. then the maids of honor informed her that the MOB told them back in January not to try and plan a shower for the church members and family, and to focus on the bachelorette party for the bridal party. now, i knew nothing about that. but, i was dumfounded. and then the maids of honor and two bridesmaids told her that they had planned a bachelorette party for her on March 17, even though we all couldn't attend. so, the bride starts asking why it didn't happen, and we explained that her friend sent the e-mail about the shower, and so we took that to mean the bride wanted a shower instead and to just bump the bachelorette party. so, instead of asking people to come to Tulsa for the 17th, 24th, and 31st, they decided to forego the bachelorette party. after some time, it finally came out that the bridesmaid who sent the e-mail about the shower (she conveniently wasn't there) had told the bride that nothing was planned and if she didn't intervene she wasn't going to have a shower. *blank stare* Now, we had all deduced that the MIA bridesmaid really wished she was the maid of honor. she'd even mentioned that she wound up "firing" the maid of her honor at her wedding. hold up... who the hell fires their maid of honor? but... i digress.
so, then the bride says she wants to see the e-mails where we were planning the bachelorette party. hold up. you want to see e-mails when SIX people are telling you what happened because you're holding on to what ONE person said? get the fuck out of here... so, someone had their iPad and pulled up the first e-mail from February. and then the bride asked us to step away from her car so she could leave. yes, when she's about to see the proof, she suddenly wants to leave. *side eye* now, the bride is an attorney, so you'd think she was a logical person. apparently getting married made her lose all common sense. she then starts going on about how she just wanted to get married and didn't feel she should be having this conversation the night before her wedding. WAIT A DAMN MINUTE. your crazy mother set ALL of this off. if she hadn't said what she did, you could be at home right now. we even told her exactly what the MOB said. her response? "That's between you and my mom." are you kidding me? that's all you have to say? so, you're basically co-signing on what she said.
by this point, everyone was LIVID. i didn't include dialogue, but the emotions were so high. six women, the night before a wedding, after putting in time, money, and energy to participate in her siddity wedding. so, you can only imagine. but, you know what, even after that bullshit we STILL met up at the hotel to put together the wedding favors.
while at the hotel, more comes out about the bride's behavior prior to the wedding. apparently the maids of honor had called, texted, and e-mailed her often to see what she needed, and hadn't gotten a response. two of the bridesmaids also called her and offered to help. my friend's mom even offered to assist. no response from the bride. another bridesmaid had set up all her bridal appointments, one of the maids of honor drove with her to Texas twice to choose her dress, and the list goes on for what everyone attempted to do. not to mention all the support given to the bride over 12+ years. yeah, her mother spoke that way to people who had been supporting her daughter for over a decade. and the bride thought that we didn't care about her because she didn't get a bachelorette party. get the fuck... smh...
now, when i'm with people i don't know, i'm usually quiet, and that's how i remained. on the drive to the hotel, i called JE to talk about it, and told him i didn't even want to show up at the wedding the next day. he was basically like, well, don't go. LOL! so, i'd gotten some of my anger out. but, as i listened to the other ladies, i became even more angry. i mean, i'd never been spoken to that way in my life. and to think that someone's mother who is damn near 60 years said such things. a woman who CLAIMS to be a Christian. what?! and then to think about the fact that we all had put so much time into participating in the wedding. i mean, what did the MOB think we were gaining by participating in this wedding? she acted like we were trying to pimp her daughter. ironically, a few people said they thought the MIA bridesmaid was setting it up so that she could ask the bride for something in the future. "See, I was the only one who was willing to throw you a shower... those other girls didn't even want to do that..." and so on and so forth...
the whole thing just incensed me. after we were done with the favors, the father of one of the maids of honor led us in prayer for the next day. (long story about why he was there... just know he and his wife were also in the hotel room.) it was a good prayer, but... i was still angry. no one felt like showing up at the wedding the next day and felt awkward about participating. the tension, the anger, the bad feelings. i mean, why do any of it? most of us felt about 50/50 about whether we would show up or not. i mean, how funny would that be if most of the bridal party wasn't there. lmao!
so, after the prayer, i went to my grandmother's house, which was very close to the hotel. my sister let me in the house, and the first thing she said was, "what's wrong with you?!" i hadn't even said a word. my emotions show on my face. i have to fight to turn it off. so, i tell her what happened, and she was like, oh, don't go. nobody should talk to you like that. if my sister had been in that parking lot... smh... it would not have been pretty. i can be harsh, but my sister doesn't play any games. she'll cuss anyone who disrespects her smooth out, and go on with her day like nothing happened. actually, a few of the other bridesmaids noted that if their family members had been there, there would have been all all out brawl. goons... but, oh, well.
now, by this time, my grandmother was awake. she sleeps downstairs, so she heard us talking. so, i told her what happened. she said she felt the MOB was unstable (clearly!) and that planning the wedding was just too much for her. them, she told me i should go to bed, i'd feel better in the morning and should go ahead and attend the wedding in a few hours.
after i talked to her, i felt calmer... but not better. when i went to bed, i honestly didn't know if i'd be in the at the wedding the next day.
this story is sooo long. so, i'll post the final part very soon...
a few days before, one of the maids of honor e-mailed the itinerary for the weekend. it was PACKED. i basically wasn't going to get to see any of my family that weekend. i wasn't happy with that, but charged it to the game. i mean, it was wedding weekend, so we were supposed to have fun, right? hmph...
we get our hair done, rush to Chili's, where we're supposed to meet for lunch. we get there, meet the bridesmaids, eat, and then head over to the nail salon. now, the schedule said we had two hours for manicures and pedicures. and... there were 10 of us. right. 10 women getting manicures and pedicures... in two hours, so that we could make it to the rehearsal by 6. now, we were expected to pay for the manicures and pedicures and the bride wanted us to all get French manicures and pedicures. now, i hate French because it doesn't look good on me. and... since i was paying for it, i didn't feel like i should get a color i know doesn't look good on me. so, i told her i was fine getting pink (her colors were pink, black, and white), but not the French. also, our dresses were covering our feet and really, who was going to look at our nails. the bride seemed bit skeptical, but said ok. i suppose i could have gotten the French and then got a polish change when i was back in Austin. but, that would mean more money and time. so... nope. plus, i was already wearing a dress and shoes i didn't care for, wearing my hair straight (not at the bride's request, by i kinda thought she'd prefer it straight), damn it... i was going to at least wear the polish color i wanted.
anyway, we end up having to get our nails done in shifts of 2-3. at some point, the bride's mother showed up and got a pedicure. she was talking to all the bridesmaids, smiling, laughing, etc. i hadn't seen her in a long time, but she acted like she always does. (remember this, because it's key to the story's climax.) by 5:30, the bride, the bride's mom, and the bridesmaid who TOLD us we were hosting a shower had left. and the rehearsal was at 6:00. right. there were still six of us in the middle of getting our nails done, and everyone but me was getting the French tips, so that takes extra time. i couldn't believe the bride had planned so little time for everyone to get what she wanted done. she should have asked us to get it done on our own time, wherever we wanted to go.
anyway, my friend and i get to the church at 7:00. yes, an hour after the start time. when we showed up at the rehearsal, that made the first time i ever saw the groom in my life. now, when i was in my other friends' weddings, i met their man before they even got engaged. i didn't know them extremely well, but i'd been around them on several occasions. and, you know, the groom never introduced himself to me and my other friend who hadn't met him... odd. like, we're in your wedding, and you don't introduce yourself. ok. whatever.
after we rehearse, we head over to the dinner at an Italian restaurant. at the dinner, the bride's mother stood up and said how happy she was that the groom was going to be part of their family. and then she had him come up, and he looked so... uncomfortable. she had the rest of the family come up, and then introduced her family who was there and the bridesmaids. then she had the the groom introduce his family and groomsmen. then she started rambling about the birthday cake she'd ordered for her husband (his birthday was the same day as the rehearsal dinner). she then began to describe the cake in great detail... like we weren't going to see it. and, then the bride thanked all of us, said she loved the groom, and told us we could get in line for our food. i don't know, i just felt underwhelmed by it all. i mean, the mother of the bride really only talked about herself, and didn't say much about her daughter. i just didn't feel the love. it felt like... a performance.
once the dinner's over, we go out to parking lot, some of us give the bride some lingerie at her car and are getting ready to go back to one of maids of honor's hotel room to put together some wedding favors.
and the bride's mother pulls us together and says: "I just wanted to say that you all disgust me. Each and everyone of you is disgusting to me. I can't even stand to look at you. And, I'm most disappointed in you Shawna (one of the maids of honor)! I don't even know why you're here. Your attitude has been awful, when my daughter stuck up for you... None of you are friends!" Now, i was dumbfounded. i had no idea what had made her so angry. She looked like she wanted to spit on all six of us. However, four of the others must have had some idea of what set her off because they all started saying that she didn't have the full story, that she didn't understand everything. she told one of them to just shut up.
And then her husband came over and started pulling her away. the two maids of honor went over to try and talk to her, two of the other bridesmaids went over to talk to one another to avoid a fight, and my friend (who was also clueless) went over to the bride's car. mind you, while this was all happening, the bride was sitting with her car running. somehow i deduced that the bride and her mother were mad because... she didn't have a bachelorette party. and the MOB (mother of the bride) may have been upset because she felt the bridesmaids hadn't done enough for the wedding. but, i don't know what she expected. they decided to plan an elaborate wedding in four months with seven (of eight) bridesmaids living out of town, with their own lives, which included school, children, spouses, etc. it's not our fault you were stressed out and things didn't happen the way they should have.
anyway, after the MOB drove off, all six of us tried talking to the bride, and it was confirmed that she was mad that she didn't have a bridal shower and a bachelorette party. then the maids of honor informed her that the MOB told them back in January not to try and plan a shower for the church members and family, and to focus on the bachelorette party for the bridal party. now, i knew nothing about that. but, i was dumfounded. and then the maids of honor and two bridesmaids told her that they had planned a bachelorette party for her on March 17, even though we all couldn't attend. so, the bride starts asking why it didn't happen, and we explained that her friend sent the e-mail about the shower, and so we took that to mean the bride wanted a shower instead and to just bump the bachelorette party. so, instead of asking people to come to Tulsa for the 17th, 24th, and 31st, they decided to forego the bachelorette party. after some time, it finally came out that the bridesmaid who sent the e-mail about the shower (she conveniently wasn't there) had told the bride that nothing was planned and if she didn't intervene she wasn't going to have a shower. *blank stare* Now, we had all deduced that the MIA bridesmaid really wished she was the maid of honor. she'd even mentioned that she wound up "firing" the maid of her honor at her wedding. hold up... who the hell fires their maid of honor? but... i digress.
so, then the bride says she wants to see the e-mails where we were planning the bachelorette party. hold up. you want to see e-mails when SIX people are telling you what happened because you're holding on to what ONE person said? get the fuck out of here... so, someone had their iPad and pulled up the first e-mail from February. and then the bride asked us to step away from her car so she could leave. yes, when she's about to see the proof, she suddenly wants to leave. *side eye* now, the bride is an attorney, so you'd think she was a logical person. apparently getting married made her lose all common sense. she then starts going on about how she just wanted to get married and didn't feel she should be having this conversation the night before her wedding. WAIT A DAMN MINUTE. your crazy mother set ALL of this off. if she hadn't said what she did, you could be at home right now. we even told her exactly what the MOB said. her response? "That's between you and my mom." are you kidding me? that's all you have to say? so, you're basically co-signing on what she said.
by this point, everyone was LIVID. i didn't include dialogue, but the emotions were so high. six women, the night before a wedding, after putting in time, money, and energy to participate in her siddity wedding. so, you can only imagine. but, you know what, even after that bullshit we STILL met up at the hotel to put together the wedding favors.
while at the hotel, more comes out about the bride's behavior prior to the wedding. apparently the maids of honor had called, texted, and e-mailed her often to see what she needed, and hadn't gotten a response. two of the bridesmaids also called her and offered to help. my friend's mom even offered to assist. no response from the bride. another bridesmaid had set up all her bridal appointments, one of the maids of honor drove with her to Texas twice to choose her dress, and the list goes on for what everyone attempted to do. not to mention all the support given to the bride over 12+ years. yeah, her mother spoke that way to people who had been supporting her daughter for over a decade. and the bride thought that we didn't care about her because she didn't get a bachelorette party. get the fuck... smh...
now, when i'm with people i don't know, i'm usually quiet, and that's how i remained. on the drive to the hotel, i called JE to talk about it, and told him i didn't even want to show up at the wedding the next day. he was basically like, well, don't go. LOL! so, i'd gotten some of my anger out. but, as i listened to the other ladies, i became even more angry. i mean, i'd never been spoken to that way in my life. and to think that someone's mother who is damn near 60 years said such things. a woman who CLAIMS to be a Christian. what?! and then to think about the fact that we all had put so much time into participating in the wedding. i mean, what did the MOB think we were gaining by participating in this wedding? she acted like we were trying to pimp her daughter. ironically, a few people said they thought the MIA bridesmaid was setting it up so that she could ask the bride for something in the future. "See, I was the only one who was willing to throw you a shower... those other girls didn't even want to do that..." and so on and so forth...
the whole thing just incensed me. after we were done with the favors, the father of one of the maids of honor led us in prayer for the next day. (long story about why he was there... just know he and his wife were also in the hotel room.) it was a good prayer, but... i was still angry. no one felt like showing up at the wedding the next day and felt awkward about participating. the tension, the anger, the bad feelings. i mean, why do any of it? most of us felt about 50/50 about whether we would show up or not. i mean, how funny would that be if most of the bridal party wasn't there. lmao!
so, after the prayer, i went to my grandmother's house, which was very close to the hotel. my sister let me in the house, and the first thing she said was, "what's wrong with you?!" i hadn't even said a word. my emotions show on my face. i have to fight to turn it off. so, i tell her what happened, and she was like, oh, don't go. nobody should talk to you like that. if my sister had been in that parking lot... smh... it would not have been pretty. i can be harsh, but my sister doesn't play any games. she'll cuss anyone who disrespects her smooth out, and go on with her day like nothing happened. actually, a few of the other bridesmaids noted that if their family members had been there, there would have been all all out brawl. goons... but, oh, well.
now, by this time, my grandmother was awake. she sleeps downstairs, so she heard us talking. so, i told her what happened. she said she felt the MOB was unstable (clearly!) and that planning the wedding was just too much for her. them, she told me i should go to bed, i'd feel better in the morning and should go ahead and attend the wedding in a few hours.
after i talked to her, i felt calmer... but not better. when i went to bed, i honestly didn't know if i'd be in the at the wedding the next day.
this story is sooo long. so, i'll post the final part very soon...
what about your friends (part 1)
picture it: the night before your friend's wedding where you're one of the bridesmaids and... you're *this* close to not showing up the next morning. this is exactly what happened to me last weekend. i barely know where to begin with this story...
so, back in early December, a friend of mine from high school told me she was engaged. i was happy for her, but also a little surprised because just a few months ago she'd told me she and her (now) fiance parted ways due to both being so busy. but, you know, i don't talk with her that often, so i figured they had reconciled shortly after she told me that. then she informs that they decided to get married the last week of March. again, kinda strange because who plans a wedding in four months. but, you know, i figure it's their wedding and if they wanna plan it in a week, they can.
a few weeks after she announces her engagement, i get this text that begins, "Hey bridesmaids!" and asks for our contact information. i was a little put off by the text because she never asked if i would be a bridesmaid. anyone who's been in a wedding knows it's a lot of commitment (time and money). and typically brides ask people if they are willing, instead of assuming they'll do it. but, i put aside my annoyance and decided to do it since we'd been friends for so long.
fast forward to december 26, where the bridesmaids were sent an e-mail from some bridal boutique in Texas stating that our friend had selected the bridesmaids' dresses, that she would pay $100 towards the cost (the dress was about $300), and that we needed to order and pay for the dress by the next week. honestly, that e-mail ticked me off. first, the lady who sent the e-mail didn't even bother to attach a pic of the dress or even a link to it. I had to Google the dress style and number to even know what it looked like. second, when i saw the dress, i was underwhelmed. it was not worth $300. and, finally, it was terribly inconsiderate to ask people to come up with that kind of money the day after Christmas, and right before the first of the month, when major bills are due. i appreciated the fact that she had contributed $100, but really, the dress could have been purchased at a much cheaper price at David's Bridal. i didn't say anything because i didn't want to bother my friend. i sucked it up and paid for my dress and the cost to have it shipped from Dallas to Austin. (the shipping cost was $30! AND the dress came folded up in a regular cardboard box. O_o... WHY?)
fast forward to december 26, where the bridesmaids were sent an e-mail from some bridal boutique in Texas stating that our friend had selected the bridesmaids' dresses, that she would pay $100 towards the cost (the dress was about $300), and that we needed to order and pay for the dress by the next week. honestly, that e-mail ticked me off. first, the lady who sent the e-mail didn't even bother to attach a pic of the dress or even a link to it. I had to Google the dress style and number to even know what it looked like. second, when i saw the dress, i was underwhelmed. it was not worth $300. and, finally, it was terribly inconsiderate to ask people to come up with that kind of money the day after Christmas, and right before the first of the month, when major bills are due. i appreciated the fact that she had contributed $100, but really, the dress could have been purchased at a much cheaper price at David's Bridal. i didn't say anything because i didn't want to bother my friend. i sucked it up and paid for my dress and the cost to have it shipped from Dallas to Austin. (the shipping cost was $30! AND the dress came folded up in a regular cardboard box. O_o... WHY?)
in February the maids of honor sent an e-mail to all the bridesmaids so we could start planning the bachelorette party. they originally mentioned having it two weeks before the wedding. i told them i could only come for the wedding, but was happy to contribute towards the costs of doing something for my friend. (they'd mentioned a spa day, going to dinner, etc.) a few weeks went by and i didn't hear anything else. then, the e-mails started again, with everyone trying to plan something. the biggest obstacle was the fact that there were eight bridesmaids, and only one lived in Tulsa. the other issue was the fact that there was so little time. i didn't hear anything else about the bachelorette party, but figured those who could attend would work something out. i've had so much going on, the bachelorette party was the least of my worries. it was taking a lot for me to even be there for the wedding weekend.
now, as time went on, i kept having a feeling that something wasn't right about the wedding, but i couldn't place my finger on what the problem was. but, i brushed it off and just chalked it up to the stress i was feeling about everything else i had going on. like i mentioned in my last post, i was upset about the fact that this wedding was costing so much money. dress, shoes, dress alterations, hair, nails, car rental, gas, not to mention the loss of time. the drive from Austin to Tulsa is 8 hours. so, that's two days of just driving.
part of the reason i felt "off" was one of the bridesmaids sent an e-mail saying that the bride was having a shower. i was like, oh, ok, cool. i took that to mean someone else was throwing the shower since we were planning a bachelorette party. then, that same bridesmaid sent an e-mail a few days later saying that she was buying the food for the party and expected all of the other bridesmaids to chip in and reimburse her. hold up! ma'am... you didn't say how much you planned to spend, what you were purchasing, and most importantly you didn't ask if we wanted to host the shower. sigh... I knew she was going to be a problem child. smh... she sends another e-mail a few days later informing us of what she bought and that it would amount to about $20/person. even though i didn't like the way she informed us of the shower, i told her i'd give her $20 when i was in Tulsa for the wedding.
ok, so last Thursday, i drove up to Tulsa. and, you know, as i was driving, i still couldn't shake a negative feeling about it the wedding. a few days before, my friend (who was also a bridesmaid) told me that the two maids of honor told her at the shower that there were many other issues we didn't know about, so there were definitely issues. so, i thought the bad feeling i had was due to that, but i thought that once we got together, everything would be ok. boy, was i wrong.
I'll finish this story in another post because this is already running long...
ok, so last Thursday, i drove up to Tulsa. and, you know, as i was driving, i still couldn't shake a negative feeling about it the wedding. a few days before, my friend (who was also a bridesmaid) told me that the two maids of honor told her at the shower that there were many other issues we didn't know about, so there were definitely issues. so, i thought the bad feeling i had was due to that, but i thought that once we got together, everything would be ok. boy, was i wrong.
I'll finish this story in another post because this is already running long...
3.21.2012
the motto...
- so, Spring has finally sprung, and Sunday actually marked the end of my Spring Break. :-( words can't express how much i loved being off from school and work. the first Monday of the break i slept for like 11 hours. it was GLORIOUS! just glorious... smh... the next break is for Good Friday/Easter Monday, so just a few more weeks until then! Yay! truth be told, that Spring Break was just what I needed. I'd gotten to the point where I was completely burned out. I went to Houston to get my hair done and afterwards met my aunt for an early dinner. as i was waiting for her to get to restaurant, i just started crying. all the stress finally got to me. when i was talking to my aunt, she mentioned that she could hear all the stress in my voice. that's when i knew i needed to take it easy for all of the break. and, that's what i did. the only thing that was completed during the break was my stats midterm, and that's only because i actually like stats, so completing it wasn't really a chore.
- eh, so, i'm back to wanting a tattoo. i still want something that honors my mom, but i do not want something like a rose, angel, etc. i just can't figure out what i want, though. i also think i want it on my inner wrist. besides not having a design in mind, the only thing holding me back is the permanency. i mean, what will i look like as a grandma with a tattoo? i know a few people with tats in very visible places and all i can think about is what they'll look like when they're old and wrinkled.
- so, i'm still on the job hunt. i had a Skype interview for the charter school a few weeks ago, and i didn't feel confident about it all. even before the first interview was over, i knew i'd be moved to the second interview. it went that well. during the Skype interview there was one question that i completely bombed, and i knew if i didn't get moved to the next stage, it would be because of that. well, last week i received an e-mail saying that i was being advanced, and the next stage was to submit a plan for a professional development seminar. and, don't you know, that's the area that i tanked in the interview? i'd participated in a webinar, and knew that this submission of a plan wasn't part of the process, so i guess they're giving me the opportunity to account for that weakness. as soon as i got the e-mail, i reached out to people who do that sort of thing, one of whom is my boss for my second gig. she already knew i was planning to move back to OK and told me to let her know if i needed help with anything. she took time one evening to walk me through how to plan the professional development seminar and offered so much keen advice. man, i'm just so grateful to have key people in my life who are willing and able to assist me move forward.
- i also applied for two positions with a non-profit and fully expected to interview for both. i'd spoken with the Executive Director about the positions and he said he was excited to see my application, and said that as I moved the interview process, i would get a better idea of which role would be the best fit for me. then, today, i got an e-mail from the talent recruitment team saying that they were considering other applicants and planned to conduct interview beginning in April and still wanted to consider me for the roles. it was all so... strange and a little cryptic. she didn't explicitly say i would have an interview in April, but she also didn't say i wouldn't. it also seemed like they were waiting for other (better?) applicants, which rubbed me the wrong way. so, i sent an e-mail to the ED and asked him what the deal was. well, i framed it that i was just curious about the process since i needed to know how to plan next steps. he e-mailed me back and explained that typically applicants have a first interview with the national team, and then are passed onto regional final interviews. but, given my background, he had told the national team i didn't need a first interview. so, basically, while other applicants are going through the preliminary interviews, i have to wait until the next round in early April. when i read that i was like, oooooh :-). I think that was God's way of telling me to let Him work and all would work out as intended. in the meantime, I'll use these few weeks to prepare. i already talked with someone i used to work with who's doing one of the jobs i applied for now and she provided me with sooo much insight. i'm so grateful for her assistance. i also spoke with someone else who gave me an actual tool kit from the organization that gives guidance on how to prep for job interviews.
- so, I'm in this wedding next weekend. yoooo... this whole thing has me irritated and frustrated. i think it's the rush of it all. my friend got engaged in late November, and they're getting married at the end of March. uhm... yeah. so, you know how you usually have about a year to spread out the costs of being in a wedding. well, all of that has been squashed into three months. dress, shoes, hair, nails, make-up, dress alterations, rental car, gas, AND then today one of the bridesmaids told us we were hosting a shower for our friend the weekend before the wedding. of course, i won't be in attendance, but we're expected to contribute to the costs. it's only going to be about $20 per bridesmaid, but still... i've always said this and i hope that by putting it out there in the universe, it actually happens... i really don't want to ask my bridal party to pay for anything other than the costs to get to the wedding. i feel like it's not their responsibility to pay to participate in my 30 minute (or less) wedding. i also don't want a typical bridal shower, where we eat little finger foods and play games. actually, i think i want to have a couple's shower, where we have a bbq or something. anyway, all of that is neither here nor there. just suffice it to say that I'm glad most of my closest friends are married. i honestly don't understand how women are in several weddings a year.
- i've written most of my dissertation proposal first draft, which is due Friday. my plan was to finish it all last week, but well, that didn't happen. i considered taking off work tomorrow to finish, but I don't think I'll do that.
- speaking of my main job, I'm convinced every day that it's time to get up out of there. we had a meeting today about this survey we're creating and administering, and all the while, i'm like, i really couldn't care less about any of this. working in the central office for a large school district has really left me disenchanted. it just feels like all we do is stay tied to the oar, rowing, rowing, rowing.. also (and I know this is a "first world problem"), but i hate my working space. people who are part time have to share cubicles. so, i share a cubicle with this guy who's also a student. we're both in the office on Tuesdays, and i swear i want to scream the whole time. there's nothing wrong with him, it's just the space issue. we're in there with our desk chairs, computers AND there's a "guest chair" if people come in to meet with one of us. it's cramped, to say the least. oh, and and if someone comes into to talk to him, i'm privy to the entire conversation. *sigh*
- I miss seeing Black people often and in a variety of places. i swear, living in Atlanta spoiled me. there's something about being in an environment that's devoid of Black culture that wears on me. it's part of the reason i go to church. it's the one time in a week that I'm guaranteed to see a lot of Black people. and, silly me decided to watch Rosewood (again) last week. why, oh why, did i do that? and, this whole Trayvon Martin situation just riles me up even more. so, for now, i just take comfort in just being at home...
3.03.2012
moving forward...
I opened my browser, all gung ho about writing a post and now... nothing comes to mind.
Life is STILL almost exclusively about school and work, with a sprinkling of personal stuff. Even though I choose to attend school and hold both jobs, I still feel like my time isn't really my own. I go places and do various things because that's what I'm directed to do.
the only area that i feel complete autonomy is in preparing for my dissertation. the last time i blogged, i mentioned that i was in the process of assembling my dissertation committee. (Basically, they're 5 people who will guide me as I complete the dissertation. they provide feedback on the methods, theoretical framework, etc.) And most importantly, they're the 5 people who eventually sign off on and approve my dissertation. I have co-chairs for my committee, who will really provide the most support. the others are important, but the chairs are the ones I should turn to first with questions. i decided on having co-chairs because my original choice for chair is super busy. he has several jobs at the university. and, frankly, i was concerned he wouldn't have time for me. i refuse to be "all but dissertation" for the rest of my life.
i say all of that to say, i have my five people and i have a date when i defend my proposal! Yikes! April 27 is the big day, and I'm as nervous as a hooker at church. basically, the proposal defense is the time when I tell them about my topic and how i plan to answer my research questions, AND how my research is unique and contributes to the knowledge base. After I do that, the committee says one of these three things: 1) Yes, go ahead. Your plan sounds great, 2) Sounds good, but we recommend you change some things, or 3) Uhm, no! You're not ready, boo! Back to the drawing board! I feel confident that they will not give the 3rd response. but, i'm still nervous. part of the issue is that I still need to flesh out the proposal. the first draft is due March 23 to my chairs, so I have time to get it done. It's just that I have so many other things going on, and really, all i wanna do is work on my proposal and call it a day. oh, and work my 2nd job. that's it. alas, life isn't working out that way. four classes, two jobs, looking for a new job in order to relocate, participating in a friend's wedding at the end of this month, getting my proposal together... i think i need a Xanax! but, i keep telling myself that things will be easier by May. oh, and Spring Break is coming up! but, I'll probably spend part of it doing work. if it's not one thing, it's another.
as life progresses and i pass milestones, i can't shake the feeling that i wish my mom was here. Whitney Houston's passing conjured up so many memories about my mom's death. well, my mother wasn't an international pop icon and she didn't have the personal issues that became public issues that Whitney faced. but, the suddenness of her death and the fact that she left behind a young child and so many people who loved her was all too familiar. even though it's been nearly 8 years, it's still jarring that my mom passed away. when i moved to California in 2005, a few months after my mom passed, i was just in awe of how beautiful Santa Barbara was and i actually picked up the phone to call my mother and tell her about it. And then it hit me... I haven't had moments like that lately, but there are so many things i want to talk to her about and it angers me that she's not here anymore. i have my grandmother and aunts, but it's not the same, you know?
i have a second interview for the charter school job on Thursday. the first interview was over the phone and the second is a Skype interview. why we're doing it via Skype, I'll never understand. two people will interview me, but I'm not really nervous about it. if i'm meant to move forward after this, i will. if not, then this job isn't for me. truth be told, i'm really waiting on two other jobs from another organization to be posted. i was told they'd been approved and they hoped to have them posted last month. i'm not sure what goes into posting jobs, but it's still not up on the website. but, you know, i can't control that. so, i'm not worrying. all i can do is send a quick follow-up to my contacts and ask what's going on.
I'm certainly not complaining about everything, because I'm grateful for every aspect of my life. all this stress is good stress... I'm not worried about where I'm sleeping every night, where my next meal is coming from, that I'll be physically or emotionally abused... nothing like that. but, i still need to vent, you know?
until next time...
Life is STILL almost exclusively about school and work, with a sprinkling of personal stuff. Even though I choose to attend school and hold both jobs, I still feel like my time isn't really my own. I go places and do various things because that's what I'm directed to do.
the only area that i feel complete autonomy is in preparing for my dissertation. the last time i blogged, i mentioned that i was in the process of assembling my dissertation committee. (Basically, they're 5 people who will guide me as I complete the dissertation. they provide feedback on the methods, theoretical framework, etc.) And most importantly, they're the 5 people who eventually sign off on and approve my dissertation. I have co-chairs for my committee, who will really provide the most support. the others are important, but the chairs are the ones I should turn to first with questions. i decided on having co-chairs because my original choice for chair is super busy. he has several jobs at the university. and, frankly, i was concerned he wouldn't have time for me. i refuse to be "all but dissertation" for the rest of my life.
i say all of that to say, i have my five people and i have a date when i defend my proposal! Yikes! April 27 is the big day, and I'm as nervous as a hooker at church. basically, the proposal defense is the time when I tell them about my topic and how i plan to answer my research questions, AND how my research is unique and contributes to the knowledge base. After I do that, the committee says one of these three things: 1) Yes, go ahead. Your plan sounds great, 2) Sounds good, but we recommend you change some things, or 3) Uhm, no! You're not ready, boo! Back to the drawing board! I feel confident that they will not give the 3rd response. but, i'm still nervous. part of the issue is that I still need to flesh out the proposal. the first draft is due March 23 to my chairs, so I have time to get it done. It's just that I have so many other things going on, and really, all i wanna do is work on my proposal and call it a day. oh, and work my 2nd job. that's it. alas, life isn't working out that way. four classes, two jobs, looking for a new job in order to relocate, participating in a friend's wedding at the end of this month, getting my proposal together... i think i need a Xanax! but, i keep telling myself that things will be easier by May. oh, and Spring Break is coming up! but, I'll probably spend part of it doing work. if it's not one thing, it's another.
as life progresses and i pass milestones, i can't shake the feeling that i wish my mom was here. Whitney Houston's passing conjured up so many memories about my mom's death. well, my mother wasn't an international pop icon and she didn't have the personal issues that became public issues that Whitney faced. but, the suddenness of her death and the fact that she left behind a young child and so many people who loved her was all too familiar. even though it's been nearly 8 years, it's still jarring that my mom passed away. when i moved to California in 2005, a few months after my mom passed, i was just in awe of how beautiful Santa Barbara was and i actually picked up the phone to call my mother and tell her about it. And then it hit me... I haven't had moments like that lately, but there are so many things i want to talk to her about and it angers me that she's not here anymore. i have my grandmother and aunts, but it's not the same, you know?
i have a second interview for the charter school job on Thursday. the first interview was over the phone and the second is a Skype interview. why we're doing it via Skype, I'll never understand. two people will interview me, but I'm not really nervous about it. if i'm meant to move forward after this, i will. if not, then this job isn't for me. truth be told, i'm really waiting on two other jobs from another organization to be posted. i was told they'd been approved and they hoped to have them posted last month. i'm not sure what goes into posting jobs, but it's still not up on the website. but, you know, i can't control that. so, i'm not worrying. all i can do is send a quick follow-up to my contacts and ask what's going on.
I'm certainly not complaining about everything, because I'm grateful for every aspect of my life. all this stress is good stress... I'm not worried about where I'm sleeping every night, where my next meal is coming from, that I'll be physically or emotionally abused... nothing like that. but, i still need to vent, you know?
until next time...
2.03.2012
tell me somethin' good
so, a few posts ago I mentioned that I was thinking about going to see a psychic. Now, as you may have picked up from this blog, I'm a very rational thinker, and I'm also a Christian, so I've always been skeptical of psychics, tarot card readers, mystics, etc. Also, most in the Christian faith would say they're of the devil, unGodly, evil spirits etc. Now, I never thought or said the latter, but you know, I did think it was something I shouldn't do. I do feel like there are evil spirits out there and you shouldn't do things to invite them in. I also felt like many people who did that were scam artists who preyed on people who were hurting or in search of something. but, lately, I'd been thinking I wanted to see one. not because I'm distraught or unsure about my life, but more because I wanted a second opinion... or maybe confirmation on some things I'd been sensing lately. For several months I've felt on the brink of new (and good) things in life... I mean, a lot of new things. The last time I felt like this was when I started college almost 12 years ago. I've been through a number of changes since then, but I haven't felt the way I feel now in about that long.
Anyway, I turned to Yelp to see if anyone had reviewed psychics in Austin. I mean, Austin ispretty very liberal, so I knew they were out there. And lo and behold, there were several with reviews, mostly positive. There was one woman who stood out to me, for some reason, so I went with her. I actually waited a few weeks before making the appointment and decided to take the plunge this week. She has a professional website, which included a online scheduler, which is very convenient. I'm not implying that a website makes a person legit, but it was nice to be able to read about her beliefs and experiences. You could also pay online via Paypal, in advance if you wanted, but I decided to wait until I actually saw her.
I went to see her today, and had a lot of trouble finding the place. (She gave detailed directions because she said GPS always got people lost, and I still had a hard time. I'm awful with directions. The GPS on my phone is a must have at all times.) Anyway, I find her apartment. Yes, she works out of her home... but, I think that's par for the course with people who do that kind of work. As soon as I saw her, I got a good vibe. I'm usually pretty good at reading people, so I felt comfortable moving forward. She was dressed in regular street clothes and didn't look creepy or scary or anything like that. She had a very girl-next-door air about her. (For the purposes of this blog, we'll call her Em.)
I'm also pretty reserved with strangers, so I played it that way when I saw her. I didn't share much about myself. I just let her "read" the cards. Oh, let me back up, so she had this big deck of tarot cards and one of us shuffled them and then I'd choose whatever number of cards she told me to select. and then she would read them and tell me what they meant regarding my life. She started with a general reading of my life, and then we talked about love, career, family, and health. (let me stop here and say that this post is one of the most... open posts that I've written in a while. this year I'm trying to work on not being so hesitant to talk about what I feel and am experiencing.)
for the overall discussion, she said that I wasn't happy with where i was now, but i would soon be moving into the light and where i needed and wanted to be. it was weird because that's exactly how i feel right now. i'm not 100% satisfied with my life right now, but I've just had this feeling that I'll soon be in a better place. it was interesting that she said that because I'd just left my main job, and every day I go there, I feel like I'm wasting away. I do my job because they pay me to do it, and not because I love it. Em pointed out a card that had a woman who had her eyes covered and her body was wrapped in cloth, so she felt bound. but, around her, she was free, if only she would open her eyes. Em said that meant that I was in complete control of everything and that it was up to me to decide to leave whatever had me feeling bound.
As she read cards in other areas, she showed cards that represented anxiety. Sadly, it appeared in several areas, and really, I am feeling anxiety about several areas of my life. She mentioned how I'm a perfectionist and that I was stressed out about a number of things. And, quiet as it's kept, I am really stressed out. most people see and think I'm cool, calm, and collected. and i am... on the outside. On the inside, though, I'm hard on myself (and others) if things don't go as planned. Em basically advised me to do a few things to help the anxiety: 1) journal about my thoughts so they're not constantly milling about in my mind, 2) get a few books/tapes to help with breathing, 3) listen to relaxing music, and 4) consider seeing a therapist. For the record, I don't think I need to see a therapist, but I DO need to learn to chill out more. Before I went to see her, I'd been working on relaxing and I can honestly feel my body and general feeling changing. I don't feel as tense as I once did. That being said, I still need to work on it. And, again, people always comment on how calm I am, but that's only because I've become a master at hiding fear and anxiousness.
When we discussed my love life, she described the relationship with JE and his personality to a tee. I was thinking, "How do you know that?!" She also confirmed what I'd been feeling about the relationship: he isn't the one for me. He has some of the characteristics I desire, but I don't yet have the person I really want. Truth be told, I'd been feeling that way for a while. One of the main reasons I hadn't broken off the relationship is because I'd tell myself no one is perfect and I shouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water. But, honestly, there are key things that are lacking and while I accept him for who he is, I can't settle. And, you know, that's hard because JE accepts me all of my flaws and still wants to be together until the end. But, then she said something that struck a chord and maybe explained why he's so attached. She said that in my current and previous relationships I've usually taken on a mothering role and had taken care of the men I was dating. In the relationship with JE, that's definitely the case. I won't go into details about how that plays out, but yeah, the relationship has that vibe. When CO and I were "dating" that wasn't the case, but that "relationship" was... odd. And when I was involved with Mr. NRN, there were some mothering aspects there. Not as strong as they are with JE, but they were there. anyway, she also said that a man was coming into my life who would want to take care of me and that he would pursue me because as soon as he saw me he'd know I was "the one." She said that he'd be funny (she emphasized that), handsome, that it would be an opposites attract situation, that I would ground him, he would inspire me not to take life so seriously, and that he'd be involved with music. While all of that was exciting, I didn't know what to make of it. I mean, what woman doesn't want a man who's funny, handsome, and musical? now, the opposites attract thing kind of describes JE and I. but, you know what Cedric the Entertainer said about Luther's curl... that it doesn't quite curl all the way over? yeah, that's how we are. it's almost there, but not quite. the opposites aspect does appeal to me, BUT i didn't tell her that JE had that element in our relationship.
We talked about my career and I mentioned I'd talked with people about two different opportunities. I didn't say how I felt about them or what they were. She mentioned that I wasn't satisfied with the first, and that the second one was for me, if I wanted it. And, honestly, that's exactly how I'd been feeling about both positions. Em said that I hated working in front of a computer all day and that if I have to do that, I'm watching the clock all day. and, I do watch the clock at my main job. As soon as it's time for me to leave, I'm out the door! I rarely do work from home... She then said that "the spirits" kept telling her something about education, and that I definitely needed to be a teacher. She asked if i was in education and I told her that I worked in the education field and was in grad school. again, i never mentioned anything about what i did for a living or that i was in school, nothing. i hadn't mentioned that I was a teacher at one point. none of that.
When Em read the cards for health, she said that she sensed I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I am... I'm not sick to the point where I can't function, but I'm seeing how some of the issues I hadn't addressed are taking their toll. she mentioned that she thought my issues were hormonal in nature, and you know, PCOS is all about hormones. actually, the hormonal thing is a pretty common issue that women have, so I'm not as impressed with that.
at any rate, the moral of the story is... well, there is no moral. ;-) I wouldn't say anyone just had to go see a psychic or tarot card reader... but, if you're curious and have a little extra change, it's quite an experience. if nothing else, it's entertaining. i understand some people see psychics regularly and I don't plan to be one of those people. I still pray constantly and believe that God's voice is the one I should follow. That being said, I also believe God puts just the right person in your path to provide the insight and guidance you need to move confidently into the future...
until next time...
Anyway, I turned to Yelp to see if anyone had reviewed psychics in Austin. I mean, Austin is
I went to see her today, and had a lot of trouble finding the place. (She gave detailed directions because she said GPS always got people lost, and I still had a hard time. I'm awful with directions. The GPS on my phone is a must have at all times.) Anyway, I find her apartment. Yes, she works out of her home... but, I think that's par for the course with people who do that kind of work. As soon as I saw her, I got a good vibe. I'm usually pretty good at reading people, so I felt comfortable moving forward. She was dressed in regular street clothes and didn't look creepy or scary or anything like that. She had a very girl-next-door air about her. (For the purposes of this blog, we'll call her Em.)
I'm also pretty reserved with strangers, so I played it that way when I saw her. I didn't share much about myself. I just let her "read" the cards. Oh, let me back up, so she had this big deck of tarot cards and one of us shuffled them and then I'd choose whatever number of cards she told me to select. and then she would read them and tell me what they meant regarding my life. She started with a general reading of my life, and then we talked about love, career, family, and health. (let me stop here and say that this post is one of the most... open posts that I've written in a while. this year I'm trying to work on not being so hesitant to talk about what I feel and am experiencing.)
for the overall discussion, she said that I wasn't happy with where i was now, but i would soon be moving into the light and where i needed and wanted to be. it was weird because that's exactly how i feel right now. i'm not 100% satisfied with my life right now, but I've just had this feeling that I'll soon be in a better place. it was interesting that she said that because I'd just left my main job, and every day I go there, I feel like I'm wasting away. I do my job because they pay me to do it, and not because I love it. Em pointed out a card that had a woman who had her eyes covered and her body was wrapped in cloth, so she felt bound. but, around her, she was free, if only she would open her eyes. Em said that meant that I was in complete control of everything and that it was up to me to decide to leave whatever had me feeling bound.
As she read cards in other areas, she showed cards that represented anxiety. Sadly, it appeared in several areas, and really, I am feeling anxiety about several areas of my life. She mentioned how I'm a perfectionist and that I was stressed out about a number of things. And, quiet as it's kept, I am really stressed out. most people see and think I'm cool, calm, and collected. and i am... on the outside. On the inside, though, I'm hard on myself (and others) if things don't go as planned. Em basically advised me to do a few things to help the anxiety: 1) journal about my thoughts so they're not constantly milling about in my mind, 2) get a few books/tapes to help with breathing, 3) listen to relaxing music, and 4) consider seeing a therapist. For the record, I don't think I need to see a therapist, but I DO need to learn to chill out more. Before I went to see her, I'd been working on relaxing and I can honestly feel my body and general feeling changing. I don't feel as tense as I once did. That being said, I still need to work on it. And, again, people always comment on how calm I am, but that's only because I've become a master at hiding fear and anxiousness.
When we discussed my love life, she described the relationship with JE and his personality to a tee. I was thinking, "How do you know that?!" She also confirmed what I'd been feeling about the relationship: he isn't the one for me. He has some of the characteristics I desire, but I don't yet have the person I really want. Truth be told, I'd been feeling that way for a while. One of the main reasons I hadn't broken off the relationship is because I'd tell myself no one is perfect and I shouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water. But, honestly, there are key things that are lacking and while I accept him for who he is, I can't settle. And, you know, that's hard because JE accepts me all of my flaws and still wants to be together until the end. But, then she said something that struck a chord and maybe explained why he's so attached. She said that in my current and previous relationships I've usually taken on a mothering role and had taken care of the men I was dating. In the relationship with JE, that's definitely the case. I won't go into details about how that plays out, but yeah, the relationship has that vibe. When CO and I were "dating" that wasn't the case, but that "relationship" was... odd. And when I was involved with Mr. NRN, there were some mothering aspects there. Not as strong as they are with JE, but they were there. anyway, she also said that a man was coming into my life who would want to take care of me and that he would pursue me because as soon as he saw me he'd know I was "the one." She said that he'd be funny (she emphasized that), handsome, that it would be an opposites attract situation, that I would ground him, he would inspire me not to take life so seriously, and that he'd be involved with music. While all of that was exciting, I didn't know what to make of it. I mean, what woman doesn't want a man who's funny, handsome, and musical? now, the opposites attract thing kind of describes JE and I. but, you know what Cedric the Entertainer said about Luther's curl... that it doesn't quite curl all the way over? yeah, that's how we are. it's almost there, but not quite. the opposites aspect does appeal to me, BUT i didn't tell her that JE had that element in our relationship.
We talked about my career and I mentioned I'd talked with people about two different opportunities. I didn't say how I felt about them or what they were. She mentioned that I wasn't satisfied with the first, and that the second one was for me, if I wanted it. And, honestly, that's exactly how I'd been feeling about both positions. Em said that I hated working in front of a computer all day and that if I have to do that, I'm watching the clock all day. and, I do watch the clock at my main job. As soon as it's time for me to leave, I'm out the door! I rarely do work from home... She then said that "the spirits" kept telling her something about education, and that I definitely needed to be a teacher. She asked if i was in education and I told her that I worked in the education field and was in grad school. again, i never mentioned anything about what i did for a living or that i was in school, nothing. i hadn't mentioned that I was a teacher at one point. none of that.
When Em read the cards for health, she said that she sensed I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I am... I'm not sick to the point where I can't function, but I'm seeing how some of the issues I hadn't addressed are taking their toll. she mentioned that she thought my issues were hormonal in nature, and you know, PCOS is all about hormones. actually, the hormonal thing is a pretty common issue that women have, so I'm not as impressed with that.
at any rate, the moral of the story is... well, there is no moral. ;-) I wouldn't say anyone just had to go see a psychic or tarot card reader... but, if you're curious and have a little extra change, it's quite an experience. if nothing else, it's entertaining. i understand some people see psychics regularly and I don't plan to be one of those people. I still pray constantly and believe that God's voice is the one I should follow. That being said, I also believe God puts just the right person in your path to provide the insight and guidance you need to move confidently into the future...
until next time...
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