moving forward...

I opened my browser, all gung ho about writing a post and now... nothing comes to mind.
Life is STILL almost exclusively about school and work, with a sprinkling of personal stuff. Even though I choose to attend school and hold both jobs, I still feel like my time isn't really my own. I go places and do various things because that's what I'm directed to do.

the only area that i feel complete autonomy is in preparing for my dissertation. the last time i blogged, i mentioned that i was in the process of assembling my dissertation committee. (Basically, they're 5 people who will guide me as I complete the dissertation. they provide feedback on the methods, theoretical framework, etc.) And most importantly, they're the 5 people who eventually sign off on and approve my dissertation. I have co-chairs for my committee, who will really provide the most support. the others are important, but the chairs are the ones I should turn to first with questions. i decided on having co-chairs because my original choice for chair is super busy. he has several jobs at the university. and, frankly, i was concerned he wouldn't have time for me. i refuse to be "all but dissertation" for the rest of my life.

i say all of that to say, i have my five people and i have a date when i defend my proposal! Yikes! April 27 is the big day, and I'm as nervous as a hooker at church. basically, the proposal defense is the time when I tell them about my topic and how i plan to answer my research questions, AND how my research is unique and contributes to the knowledge base. After I do that, the committee says one of these three things: 1) Yes, go ahead. Your plan sounds great, 2) Sounds good, but we recommend you change some things, or 3) Uhm, no! You're not ready, boo! Back to the drawing board! I feel confident that they will not give the 3rd response. but, i'm still nervous. part of the issue is that I still need to flesh out the proposal. the first draft is due March 23 to my chairs, so I have time to get it done. It's just that I have so many other things going on, and really, all i wanna do is work on my proposal and call it a day. oh, and work my 2nd job. that's it. alas, life isn't working out that way. four classes, two jobs, looking for a new job in order to relocate, participating in a friend's wedding at the end of this month, getting my proposal together... i think i need a Xanax! but, i keep telling myself that things will be easier by May. oh, and Spring Break  is coming up! but, I'll probably spend part of it doing work. if it's not one thing, it's another.

as life progresses and i pass milestones, i can't shake the feeling that i wish my mom was here. Whitney Houston's passing conjured up so many memories about my mom's death. well, my mother wasn't an international pop icon and she didn't have the personal issues that became public issues that Whitney faced. but, the suddenness of her death and the fact that she left behind a young child and so many people who loved her was all too familiar. even though it's been nearly 8 years, it's still jarring that my mom passed away. when i moved to California in 2005, a few months after my mom passed, i was just in awe of how beautiful Santa Barbara was and i actually picked up the phone to call my mother and tell her about it. And then it hit me... I haven't had moments like that lately, but there are so many things i want to talk to her about and it angers me that she's not here anymore. i have my grandmother and aunts, but it's not the same, you know?

i have a second interview for the charter school job on Thursday. the first interview was over the phone and the second is a Skype interview. why we're doing it via Skype, I'll never understand. two people will interview me, but I'm not really nervous about it. if i'm meant to move forward after this, i will. if not, then this job isn't for me. truth be told, i'm really waiting on two other jobs from another organization to be posted. i was told they'd been approved and they hoped to have them posted last month. i'm not sure what goes into posting jobs, but it's still not up on the website. but, you know, i can't control that. so, i'm not worrying. all i can do is send a quick follow-up to my contacts and ask what's going on.

I'm certainly not complaining about everything, because I'm grateful for every aspect of my life. all this stress is good stress... I'm not worried about where I'm sleeping every night, where my next meal is coming from, that I'll be physically or emotionally abused... nothing like that. but, i still need to vent, you know?

until next time...