moving forward...

I opened my browser, all gung ho about writing a post and now... nothing comes to mind.
Life is STILL almost exclusively about school and work, with a sprinkling of personal stuff. Even though I choose to attend school and hold both jobs, I still feel like my time isn't really my own. I go places and do various things because that's what I'm directed to do.

the only area that i feel complete autonomy is in preparing for my dissertation. the last time i blogged, i mentioned that i was in the process of assembling my dissertation committee. (Basically, they're 5 people who will guide me as I complete the dissertation. they provide feedback on the methods, theoretical framework, etc.) And most importantly, they're the 5 people who eventually sign off on and approve my dissertation. I have co-chairs for my committee, who will really provide the most support. the others are important, but the chairs are the ones I should turn to first with questions. i decided on having co-chairs because my original choice for chair is super busy. he has several jobs at the university. and, frankly, i was concerned he wouldn't have time for me. i refuse to be "all but dissertation" for the rest of my life.

i say all of that to say, i have my five people and i have a date when i defend my proposal! Yikes! April 27 is the big day, and I'm as nervous as a hooker at church. basically, the proposal defense is the time when I tell them about my topic and how i plan to answer my research questions, AND how my research is unique and contributes to the knowledge base. After I do that, the committee says one of these three things: 1) Yes, go ahead. Your plan sounds great, 2) Sounds good, but we recommend you change some things, or 3) Uhm, no! You're not ready, boo! Back to the drawing board! I feel confident that they will not give the 3rd response. but, i'm still nervous. part of the issue is that I still need to flesh out the proposal. the first draft is due March 23 to my chairs, so I have time to get it done. It's just that I have so many other things going on, and really, all i wanna do is work on my proposal and call it a day. oh, and work my 2nd job. that's it. alas, life isn't working out that way. four classes, two jobs, looking for a new job in order to relocate, participating in a friend's wedding at the end of this month, getting my proposal together... i think i need a Xanax! but, i keep telling myself that things will be easier by May. oh, and Spring Break  is coming up! but, I'll probably spend part of it doing work. if it's not one thing, it's another.

as life progresses and i pass milestones, i can't shake the feeling that i wish my mom was here. Whitney Houston's passing conjured up so many memories about my mom's death. well, my mother wasn't an international pop icon and she didn't have the personal issues that became public issues that Whitney faced. but, the suddenness of her death and the fact that she left behind a young child and so many people who loved her was all too familiar. even though it's been nearly 8 years, it's still jarring that my mom passed away. when i moved to California in 2005, a few months after my mom passed, i was just in awe of how beautiful Santa Barbara was and i actually picked up the phone to call my mother and tell her about it. And then it hit me... I haven't had moments like that lately, but there are so many things i want to talk to her about and it angers me that she's not here anymore. i have my grandmother and aunts, but it's not the same, you know?

i have a second interview for the charter school job on Thursday. the first interview was over the phone and the second is a Skype interview. why we're doing it via Skype, I'll never understand. two people will interview me, but I'm not really nervous about it. if i'm meant to move forward after this, i will. if not, then this job isn't for me. truth be told, i'm really waiting on two other jobs from another organization to be posted. i was told they'd been approved and they hoped to have them posted last month. i'm not sure what goes into posting jobs, but it's still not up on the website. but, you know, i can't control that. so, i'm not worrying. all i can do is send a quick follow-up to my contacts and ask what's going on.

I'm certainly not complaining about everything, because I'm grateful for every aspect of my life. all this stress is good stress... I'm not worried about where I'm sleeping every night, where my next meal is coming from, that I'll be physically or emotionally abused... nothing like that. but, i still need to vent, you know?

until next time...

my sister's keeper?

i've been sitting here, trying to decide whether i really want to blog about this or just keep it to myself. as some of you may have noticed, for the most part, i don't blog about the personal lives of my family members or close friends. (well, with the exception of my Full House post several months ago.) i'll talk about how i related to them in a situation, but i try to shy away from delving too deeply into their business. part of the reason is because, well, this is my blog and i like to talk about me! :) but, seriously, i also think that a part of me is protective of them. i don't want to have to defend some ill words about people that i love and care about, no matter their shortcomings. also, perhaps i don't want to face my shortcomings either.
with that being said, for the longest time my sister, Rainbow Not So Brite, has been on my mind. i couldn't decide how to frame my thoughts about her--- should i make light of them, should i shake my head, should i talk about how i feel i failed her? to be honest, i still hadn't figured out.
this evening while i was at work, i got a text from my aunt, Brighter Day, who mentioned she was still at work and that i could call her if i wanted to do so. i knew that meant she wanted me to call, so i did. so, we're talking about our lives and what's been going on since we spoke a few days ago. (i know, it hasn't been that long, but my aunt and i love to talk to each other, no matter how long it's been.) then she starts to tell me how things are going with my sister and brother. (my brother, who's 15, has been living with Brighter Day since our mom passed a few years ago and my sister lives with her girlfriend, Louisiana's Finest.) a part of me didn't want to hear about it because i knew it was going to be some foolishness. i could just feel it in my spirit. so, apparently, there's some drama regarding the money my brother receives every month. a little backstory: so, after our mom passed, my sister went to the social security office and signed our brother up to receive benefits each month. she did this perhaps a month and a half after our mom died, at a time when no one else was even thinking of such things. i mean, we knew he would need to be taken care of since my brother doesn't know his father and there wasn't any life insurance money for him. but, we were all so stunned and torn up over her death, we couldn't think about much else. so, i thought that my sister would think of such a thing was a smart on her part. now i have serious doubts. my aunt tells me that this month my sister basically withheld our brother's money from him. i mean, she gave him enough to pay for some school clothes and what not. but, she kept the majority, even though she was told by both my aunt and brother that he needed to pay for some other things. (another side note: while my brother lives with my aunt, she works part time, and can't really afford to pay for a lot of the stuff that he needs. thus, the check he receives from SS is what's used to pay for his needs, to put in his savings, and a few wants. also, what's supposed to happen is that since the check is in my sister's name, she's to get the check cashed and give my brother all of the money. last june, my aunt decided to let him have more responsibility over that. so, she gave him guidance over how spending should go and also what the expectation would be when he started to work. he understands that and except for the times when he's told he can't buy yet another pair of sneakers, he's pretty good. some might even say he's cheap, but that's another story.) then it comes to light that my sister's lights have been disconnected and that she needed the money to take care of that. (mind you, my sister does not work. she does nothing all day.) my aunt said she could understand that was a problem, but that my brother still needed his money to take care of his needs. apparently she didn't like hearing that too much and started implying that if she hadn't gone to the SS office, he wouldn't even have a check at all! i was already heated at that point, but that last line took the cake. (first of all, just because you did it first didn't mean it wouldn't be taken care of and second, the reason he has the money is because our mother worked.) anyway, to make a long story short, she finally gave my brother his money. but, wait, it wasn't even for the full amount. she had the gall to give him $50! i'm not sure exactly how much she owed him, but trust me that $50 was not close to what she should have gave him. and she also had the audacity to come to the house, hand him the money, and walk off, without speaking. i'm like, you've got to be kidding me! so, my aunt says that she's going to have a talk with her very soon and force her to have the checks put in her name.

my aunt tells me that all along there have been moments when my sister acted as if she's somehow entitled to some of the money. (which, mind you isn't all that much. i mean, it's social security, for Pete's sake!) why i didn't see this before, i'll never know.
i'm usually pretty good at picking up on ulterior motives. but, really, it doesn't surprise me. like i said before, my sister doesn't work and hasn't held a steady job in quite a while. her days are spent doing.... not a damn thing! nothing! she stays up all night and sleeps well into the day, collects food stamps, gets into with her neighbors over dumb shit, and that's about it. the thing about it is that i don't know why she's this way. i have no earthly idea.
i could see (in part) if we grew up like this; if no one in our family worked and just stayed home all day. if she didn't have some damn role models. but, with the exception of Baa Baa Black Sheep (one of my other aunts), who is the epitome of shady, everyone works and is ambitious. while everyone doesn't (or didn't) have a college degree, each and everyone one of us has at least attended college, so we're educated people. with the exception of Baa Baa Black Sheep and my uncle, Chatty Charlie, who has schizophrenia, everyone is on the grind, no matter what their profession may be. i mean, that's what we do. so, for her to be so... shady is plain embarrassing. i always get a little nervous when people ask me how my sister's doing. i can tell them she's fine (that's a safe answer), but when they ask what she's doing these days, i'm at a loss for words. i mean, i can't say, "not a damn thing." i mean, it is true, but like i said, she's my younger sister and through it all, i'm protective. so, i gotta side step the question and say something like she's in between jobs. yeah, bull shit, but hey, i gotta come up with something. i think what also makes me angry is that she has ambitions, she has things she wants to do with her life, but she won't get up and do them. i know part of it is fear about branching into something new and also a fear of failure (my sister actually went to culinary school for a few semesters after high school, but didn't like it) and i think the latter really messed her up. she wanted to be a chef so badly and when she found out it wasn't really for her, i think it just paralyzed her. i also know that our mom's death really messed her up. but, you know what, she's not the only one. all and all, i'm tired of making excuses for her, i'm tired of coming up with reasons for the behavior. and now that she's decided to short change our brother, i'm done. i want to call her right now and cuss her out. i want to shake some sense into her. i want to scream at her and tell her to grow up! i want to ask her why at the age of 22 is she allowing life to pass her by?
then, i have to stop and ask myself, but, what are you really doing to help her? and there's the rub, i don't know what else to do. when she tells me she wants to be a makeup artist, i go out and buy her tools to practice her craft, when she was ready to go to school, i filled out the FAFSA for her, i try to be a role model (an imperfect one, yes) and give her just a taste of what can be done in life. granted, i'm not saying she has to do what i've done. (and i hope she doesn't because she is capable of so much more.) i question whether i need to work at being closer to my sister, if that will help her. then, i think about all the people who are close and try to help her and encourage her and she listens, may even throw a fit when she hears something she doesn't like, andthen does what she wants to do. i think about how she told me she always felt pressure to be like me and for whatever reason i feel guilty and try not let her just do her. but, should those things and feelings stop me? am i just being lazy? am i content with keeping this information about my sisters under wraps and just letting her be? if that's the case, why do i choose to act that way?
i say all of this knowing full well that i love my sister dearly and appreciate her, because it's not as if she has no redeeming qualities. because, really, that's also what makes me so mad--- she has the potential to be so much better than this.

Full House

in light of my mentioning this in yesterday's post, i thought i'd expound
on the summer i spent living with 7 other people.
at the end of my junior year of college, in 2003, i was on the grind trying to find something to do with myself for the summer. i really wanted to get into a summer research program. at the time, i was set on pursuing a Ph.D. and knew that research experience would look great on my application. plus, i'd spent the previous summer in St. Louis, and while i hated St. Louis, i enjoyed the whole summer program experience. (you mean i get paid to read, research and do a little presentation at the end? oh, yeah, i'm game!) anyway, i applied to several, but alas none of them panned out. so, here i was, with no plans, and school was about to let out. i knew i would have to do what i dreaded most: go home to Oklahoma. it's not so much that i didn't want to go home (though it is as boring as i don't know what) because i had spent the summer after my freshman year at home, and it was lovely. just me, The Queen Bee, and Papa Bear, my grandpa. just like old times, when i spent my last two years of high school with them. also, The Three Amigas, some of my best friends from high school and i kicked it hard every weekend. we all had full time jobs, but on the weekends, we had a blast.
(sigh... that was a great summer.)
however, the summer of 2003 would be totally different. for one thing, Papa Bear had died in January. so, his absence would be felt. second, The Three Amigas had other things going on, so we couldn't hang as much, and three, instead of there being just 3 ppl living at the house, there would be eight (including me)!!
how did such an arrangement come to be? to answer that, i'll go through and explain the presence of each person.

• The Queen Bee. Well, this one is a no-brainer. it was her house. The Queen Bee and Papa Bear had 11 children. yes, 11 kids. so, for them, being with so many people was no big thing. additionally, The Queen Bee is the oldest of 13. so, she never knew what it was like to live alone. also, their house was fairly large, and could accommodate many people. my grandmother is an interesting woman. like all mothers, she has her favorites, and doesn't do too good of a job of hiding it. however, that doesn't mean she won't put her self on the line for all of her kids. that summer she was known for asking, "So, what's on your agenda for today?" she could never quite grasp that since it was summer i didn't have too many plans.
  
• Grain of Salt, my uncle, who had been previously living in Colorado. as i mentioned before, Papa Bear died in January. so, of course, the whole family came home for the funeral. well, Grain of Salt, decided he wanted to stay and spend some time with The Queen Bee. now, if these were his true motives, is up in the air. see, i call him Grain of Salt because that's what you have take with everything he says: a grain of salt! back in the day, he was my favorite uncle. he was always so funny and real (or so i thought). after my summer with him, while i still found him funny, i learned a few things. 1st, a lot of times he's full of shit. he says stuff that sounds cool, but in the back of my mind, i know he will not follow through. 2nd, it's clear he's the baby of the family. i've never lived with someone so lazy as him. (in terms of housework; it was like, would it kill you to wash a damn dish?!) also, for some reason, despite being damn near 40 years old, he preferred to live like his ass was still in college! i still love him, but as i've gotten older, i see he has flaws like the rest of us.
  
• Baa Baa Black Sheep. lol... i feel so wrong coming up with that name for my aunt, but that's what she is. she came to be at the house because after Papa Bear died, she just never left. she had a plane ticket to go back to NYC and everything. but, since it was a bereavement fare, she was able to push back her departure date without penalty. her excuse for not leaving is that she had a stomach condition that was aggravating her, and she couldn't leave until it was taken care of. granted, she does have it, but she had it before she came. really, she didn't leave because she's a fucking leech. she takes what and when she can and rarely gives anything back. she just never has it together. Baa Baa Black Sheep's major problem is that she likes her liquor, her weed, and God knows what else and can not partake in anything in moderation. mainly, her addiction is liquor. (though Grain of Salt tells me that he thinks she's on crack now. i don't believe it, though, considering the source and because the 2 of them really don't get along.) yet, she will not get help for the life of her, no matter how often it's offered.
  so, that summer i had to listen to her drunken ramblings (she's not mean when she's drunk, actually quite pleasant and very reflective), see her passed out on the sofa at all hours of the day, hide things i thought she might just walk off with, and basically add very little value to the house. that is, until she got some work sewing.
  and there's the rub, it's not as if she doesn't have any marketable skills. see, she's very talented in the area of sewing and designing. i'm not talkin' about some piddly 4-H quilts (i was in 4-H, so i'm not knockin' it... just puttin' it in perspective). i always said when and if i get married, she'll design my wedding dress (barring she has her shit together). she really could have her own line, but she can't (or won't) conquer her demons.
  
• MamaButterfly (my mother), Our Shining Prince (my brother), and Rainbow Not So Brite (my sister). in December, my mother had fallen on some hard times. see, my mother was part of the working poor. at the tail end of 2002, she was in an accident that totaled her car, she lost her job, and wasn't able to make payments on a house she was renting, leading to eviction. so, the 3 of them moved to the house because God knows where else they would have been. it wasn't something my mother wanted to do, because like me, she was fiercely independent, and she and The Queen Bee didn't see eye to eye on many things. but, you gotta do what you gotta do. well, by the time summer came, my mom was working two jobs again and trying to get back on her feet. so, really, that summer my mom was gone more often than not. even if she wasn't working, she was out taking care of business. she hated to stay at home.
  as for Our Shining Prince (i named him so because our mother doted on him tremendously. partially because he was her only boy, and i also think a part of her knew she wouldn't get to be with him that long, so she had to shower him as much as she could) was 12, and i could tell he didn't really like the living arrangements but just adapted. my brother is my heart, and is a lot like me. i understand him as he does me. though now that he's 15, he's does some strange shit! lol...
  Rainbow Not So Brite was working at the same country club as Grain of Salt that summer. (she was in a culinary program at the time. according to Grain of Salt, she was a little slow at her job, but God only knows how true that was.) oh, and the name i've come up w/ for my sister has nothing to do with her intelligence. i'll speak more on that in another post. Unspoken Truth Part 3, perhaps? anyway, my sister is the complete opposite of me. she's got this mix of prissy princess and hood chick, that she somehow manages to pull off. also, though being a college student, she didn't really like the whole college thing. which explains in part why she didn't finish her degree. that summer my sister also had a boyfriend who was damn near 30 years old! mind you, at the time, she was 19 years old. so, yes, she was messing with this old ass man (who if memory serves me correctly, also had a child), and nothing anyone said could stop her. how we came from the same womb is beyond me at times. but, i gotta love her!
  
• last but not least, there was Brighter Day, one of my other aunts. she is actually my favorite aunt and we're very close. she's one of the few people who, while being at least twenty years older than me, i count her as a true friend. she was living at the house for several reasons, a) the summer before she had just come back from Japan, where she'd lived for four years, teaching English. prior to her teaching there, she'd taught elementary school here in the States. so, she moved to my grandparents house while she adjusted economically and b) to assist my grandparents because it was best they didn't live alone. Brighter Day is the type of person who will bend over backwards for the the family, especially my sister, brother, and me. (like all of my aunts and uncles, she doesn't have any kids of her own, so she spoils us.) she does what she can to make sure the family is comfortable. yet, i sometimes felt she does that to the point of compromising her own comfort. also, i think she would give people one too many chances. to be forgiving is one thing, but i felt like at times people took her kindness for granted. lately, however, i can see that she's been less giving, and for that i'm glad.

so, that's the cast of characters. well, except for me. that summer i worked at a summer camp that was very unorganized with one of The Three Amigas, won my first car and got ready for my senior year of college. anything regarding my personality, hopefully you can pick up on it from reading the blog.
All in all, the summer of 2003 was a crazy time, and though i never ever want to repeat it, it made me a wiser, more tolerant, and adaptable person.