i've been sitting here, trying to decide whether i really want to blog about this or just keep it to myself. as some of you may have noticed, for the most part, i don't blog about the personal lives of my family members or close friends. (well, with the exception of my Full House post several months ago.) i'll talk about how i related to them in a situation, but i try to shy away from delving too deeply into their business. part of the reason is because, well, this is my blog and i like to talk about me! :) but, seriously, i also think that a part of me is protective of them. i don't want to have to defend some ill words about people that i love and care about, no matter their shortcomings. also, perhaps i don't want to face my shortcomings either.
with that being said, for the longest time my sister, Rainbow Not So Brite, has been on my mind. i couldn't decide how to frame my thoughts about her--- should i make light of them, should i shake my head, should i talk about how i feel i failed her? to be honest, i still hadn't figured out.
this evening while i was at work, i got a text from my aunt, Brighter Day, who mentioned she was still at work and that i could call her if i wanted to do so. i knew that meant she wanted me to call, so i did. so, we're talking about our lives and what's been going on since we spoke a few days ago. (i know, it hasn't been that long, but my aunt and i love to talk to each other, no matter how long it's been.) then she starts to tell me how things are going with my sister and brother. (my brother, who's 15, has been living with Brighter Day since our mom passed a few years ago and my sister lives with her girlfriend, Louisiana's Finest.) a part of me didn't want to hear about it because i knew it was going to be some foolishness. i could just feel it in my spirit. so, apparently, there's some drama regarding the money my brother receives every month. a little backstory: so, after our mom passed, my sister went to the social security office and signed our brother up to receive benefits each month. she did this perhaps a month and a half after our mom died, at a time when no one else was even thinking of such things. i mean, we knew he would need to be taken care of since my brother doesn't know his father and there wasn't any life insurance money for him. but, we were all so stunned and torn up over her death, we couldn't think about much else. so, i thought that my sister would think of such a thing was a smart on her part. now i have serious doubts. my aunt tells me that this month my sister basically withheld our brother's money from him. i mean, she gave him enough to pay for some school clothes and what not. but, she kept the majority, even though she was told by both my aunt and brother that he needed to pay for some other things. (another side note: while my brother lives with my aunt, she works part time, and can't really afford to pay for a lot of the stuff that he needs. thus, the check he receives from SS is what's used to pay for his needs, to put in his savings, and a few wants. also, what's supposed to happen is that since the check is in my sister's name, she's to get the check cashed and give my brother all of the money. last june, my aunt decided to let him have more responsibility over that. so, she gave him guidance over how spending should go and also what the expectation would be when he started to work. he understands that and except for the times when he's told he can't buy yet another pair of sneakers, he's pretty good. some might even say he's cheap, but that's another story.) then it comes to light that my sister's lights have been disconnected and that she needed the money to take care of that. (mind you, my sister does not work. she does nothing all day.) my aunt said she could understand that was a problem, but that my brother still needed his money to take care of his needs. apparently she didn't like hearing that too much and started implying that if she hadn't gone to the SS office, he wouldn't even have a check at all! i was already heated at that point, but that last line took the cake. (first of all, just because you did it first didn't mean it wouldn't be taken care of and second, the reason he has the money is because our mother worked.) anyway, to make a long story short, she finally gave my brother his money. but, wait, it wasn't even for the full amount. she had the gall to give him $50! i'm not sure exactly how much she owed him, but trust me that $50 was not close to what she should have gave him. and she also had the audacity to come to the house, hand him the money, and walk off, without speaking. i'm like, you've got to be kidding me! so, my aunt says that she's going to have a talk with her very soon and force her to have the checks put in her name.
my aunt tells me that all along there have been moments when my sister acted as if she's somehow entitled to some of the money. (which, mind you isn't all that much. i mean, it's social security, for Pete's sake!) why i didn't see this before, i'll never know.
i'm usually pretty good at picking up on ulterior motives. but, really, it doesn't surprise me. like i said before, my sister doesn't work and hasn't held a steady job in quite a while. her days are spent doing.... not a damn thing! nothing! she stays up all night and sleeps well into the day, collects food stamps, gets into with her neighbors over dumb shit, and that's about it. the thing about it is that i don't know why she's this way. i have no earthly idea.
i could see (in part) if we grew up like this; if no one in our family worked and just stayed home all day. if she didn't have some damn role models. but, with the exception of Baa Baa Black Sheep (one of my other aunts), who is the epitome of shady, everyone works and is ambitious. while everyone doesn't (or didn't) have a college degree, each and everyone one of us has at least attended college, so we're educated people. with the exception of Baa Baa Black Sheep and my uncle, Chatty Charlie, who has schizophrenia, everyone is on the grind, no matter what their profession may be. i mean, that's what we do. so, for her to be so... shady is plain embarrassing. i always get a little nervous when people ask me how my sister's doing. i can tell them she's fine (that's a safe answer), but when they ask what she's doing these days, i'm at a loss for words. i mean, i can't say, "not a damn thing." i mean, it is true, but like i said, she's my younger sister and through it all, i'm protective. so, i gotta side step the question and say something like she's in between jobs. yeah, bull shit, but hey, i gotta come up with something. i think what also makes me angry is that she has ambitions, she has things she wants to do with her life, but she won't get up and do them. i know part of it is fear about branching into something new and also a fear of failure (my sister actually went to culinary school for a few semesters after high school, but didn't like it) and i think the latter really messed her up. she wanted to be a chef so badly and when she found out it wasn't really for her, i think it just paralyzed her. i also know that our mom's death really messed her up. but, you know what, she's not the only one. all and all, i'm tired of making excuses for her, i'm tired of coming up with reasons for the behavior. and now that she's decided to short change our brother, i'm done. i want to call her right now and cuss her out. i want to shake some sense into her. i want to scream at her and tell her to grow up! i want to ask her why at the age of 22 is she allowing life to pass her by?
then, i have to stop and ask myself, but, what are you really doing to help her? and there's the rub, i don't know what else to do. when she tells me she wants to be a makeup artist, i go out and buy her tools to practice her craft, when she was ready to go to school, i filled out the FAFSA for her, i try to be a role model (an imperfect one, yes) and give her just a taste of what can be done in life. granted, i'm not saying she has to do what i've done. (and i hope she doesn't because she is capable of so much more.) i question whether i need to work at being closer to my sister, if that will help her. then, i think about all the people who are close and try to help her and encourage her and she listens, may even throw a fit when she hears something she doesn't like, andthen does what she wants to do. i think about how she told me she always felt pressure to be like me and for whatever reason i feel guilty and try not let her just do her. but, should those things and feelings stop me? am i just being lazy? am i content with keeping this information about my sisters under wraps and just letting her be? if that's the case, why do i choose to act that way?
i say all of this knowing full well that i love my sister dearly and appreciate her, because it's not as if she has no redeeming qualities. because, really, that's also what makes me so mad--- she has the potential to be so much better than this.
with that being said, for the longest time my sister, Rainbow Not So Brite, has been on my mind. i couldn't decide how to frame my thoughts about her--- should i make light of them, should i shake my head, should i talk about how i feel i failed her? to be honest, i still hadn't figured out.
this evening while i was at work, i got a text from my aunt, Brighter Day, who mentioned she was still at work and that i could call her if i wanted to do so. i knew that meant she wanted me to call, so i did. so, we're talking about our lives and what's been going on since we spoke a few days ago. (i know, it hasn't been that long, but my aunt and i love to talk to each other, no matter how long it's been.) then she starts to tell me how things are going with my sister and brother. (my brother, who's 15, has been living with Brighter Day since our mom passed a few years ago and my sister lives with her girlfriend, Louisiana's Finest.) a part of me didn't want to hear about it because i knew it was going to be some foolishness. i could just feel it in my spirit. so, apparently, there's some drama regarding the money my brother receives every month. a little backstory: so, after our mom passed, my sister went to the social security office and signed our brother up to receive benefits each month. she did this perhaps a month and a half after our mom died, at a time when no one else was even thinking of such things. i mean, we knew he would need to be taken care of since my brother doesn't know his father and there wasn't any life insurance money for him. but, we were all so stunned and torn up over her death, we couldn't think about much else. so, i thought that my sister would think of such a thing was a smart on her part. now i have serious doubts. my aunt tells me that this month my sister basically withheld our brother's money from him. i mean, she gave him enough to pay for some school clothes and what not. but, she kept the majority, even though she was told by both my aunt and brother that he needed to pay for some other things. (another side note: while my brother lives with my aunt, she works part time, and can't really afford to pay for a lot of the stuff that he needs. thus, the check he receives from SS is what's used to pay for his needs, to put in his savings, and a few wants. also, what's supposed to happen is that since the check is in my sister's name, she's to get the check cashed and give my brother all of the money. last june, my aunt decided to let him have more responsibility over that. so, she gave him guidance over how spending should go and also what the expectation would be when he started to work. he understands that and except for the times when he's told he can't buy yet another pair of sneakers, he's pretty good. some might even say he's cheap, but that's another story.) then it comes to light that my sister's lights have been disconnected and that she needed the money to take care of that. (mind you, my sister does not work. she does nothing all day.) my aunt said she could understand that was a problem, but that my brother still needed his money to take care of his needs. apparently she didn't like hearing that too much and started implying that if she hadn't gone to the SS office, he wouldn't even have a check at all! i was already heated at that point, but that last line took the cake. (first of all, just because you did it first didn't mean it wouldn't be taken care of and second, the reason he has the money is because our mother worked.) anyway, to make a long story short, she finally gave my brother his money. but, wait, it wasn't even for the full amount. she had the gall to give him $50! i'm not sure exactly how much she owed him, but trust me that $50 was not close to what she should have gave him. and she also had the audacity to come to the house, hand him the money, and walk off, without speaking. i'm like, you've got to be kidding me! so, my aunt says that she's going to have a talk with her very soon and force her to have the checks put in her name.
my aunt tells me that all along there have been moments when my sister acted as if she's somehow entitled to some of the money. (which, mind you isn't all that much. i mean, it's social security, for Pete's sake!) why i didn't see this before, i'll never know.
i'm usually pretty good at picking up on ulterior motives. but, really, it doesn't surprise me. like i said before, my sister doesn't work and hasn't held a steady job in quite a while. her days are spent doing.... not a damn thing! nothing! she stays up all night and sleeps well into the day, collects food stamps, gets into with her neighbors over dumb shit, and that's about it. the thing about it is that i don't know why she's this way. i have no earthly idea.
i could see (in part) if we grew up like this; if no one in our family worked and just stayed home all day. if she didn't have some damn role models. but, with the exception of Baa Baa Black Sheep (one of my other aunts), who is the epitome of shady, everyone works and is ambitious. while everyone doesn't (or didn't) have a college degree, each and everyone one of us has at least attended college, so we're educated people. with the exception of Baa Baa Black Sheep and my uncle, Chatty Charlie, who has schizophrenia, everyone is on the grind, no matter what their profession may be. i mean, that's what we do. so, for her to be so... shady is plain embarrassing. i always get a little nervous when people ask me how my sister's doing. i can tell them she's fine (that's a safe answer), but when they ask what she's doing these days, i'm at a loss for words. i mean, i can't say, "not a damn thing." i mean, it is true, but like i said, she's my younger sister and through it all, i'm protective. so, i gotta side step the question and say something like she's in between jobs. yeah, bull shit, but hey, i gotta come up with something. i think what also makes me angry is that she has ambitions, she has things she wants to do with her life, but she won't get up and do them. i know part of it is fear about branching into something new and also a fear of failure (my sister actually went to culinary school for a few semesters after high school, but didn't like it) and i think the latter really messed her up. she wanted to be a chef so badly and when she found out it wasn't really for her, i think it just paralyzed her. i also know that our mom's death really messed her up. but, you know what, she's not the only one. all and all, i'm tired of making excuses for her, i'm tired of coming up with reasons for the behavior. and now that she's decided to short change our brother, i'm done. i want to call her right now and cuss her out. i want to shake some sense into her. i want to scream at her and tell her to grow up! i want to ask her why at the age of 22 is she allowing life to pass her by?
then, i have to stop and ask myself, but, what are you really doing to help her? and there's the rub, i don't know what else to do. when she tells me she wants to be a makeup artist, i go out and buy her tools to practice her craft, when she was ready to go to school, i filled out the FAFSA for her, i try to be a role model (an imperfect one, yes) and give her just a taste of what can be done in life. granted, i'm not saying she has to do what i've done. (and i hope she doesn't because she is capable of so much more.) i question whether i need to work at being closer to my sister, if that will help her. then, i think about all the people who are close and try to help her and encourage her and she listens, may even throw a fit when she hears something she doesn't like, andthen does what she wants to do. i think about how she told me she always felt pressure to be like me and for whatever reason i feel guilty and try not let her just do her. but, should those things and feelings stop me? am i just being lazy? am i content with keeping this information about my sisters under wraps and just letting her be? if that's the case, why do i choose to act that way?
i say all of this knowing full well that i love my sister dearly and appreciate her, because it's not as if she has no redeeming qualities. because, really, that's also what makes me so mad--- she has the potential to be so much better than this.
14 comments:
After reading all that I should be able to crank out this long meaningful comment right? But I don't have one.
The most you can do for your sister is the most you can do and no more. She is 22, she has a tad more time to find out what her niche is and to find some motivation to work towards those goals. As far as your brother, can they make the check in his name? Or at least to him in care of your aunt since he is under age?
she is still kinda young.. but you do want to talk to her & let her know the longer that she waits to decide what she wants to do w/ her life.. the harder it will be to accomplish her dreams
as far as your brother.. that's a sad situation.. im w/ ladynay.. can the checks get put in his name??
I co-sign with the others.
Wish I had something meaningful or insightful to say but I have nada. As much as you love your sister at the end of the day what she does with her life and how she lives it is on her. If she wants to be the anti-Zora then that's her right. You're not her keeper. Any shortcomings your sister has is hers. It's not a reflection on you or your family. I'd say back away a little. Don't abandon her or anything unless you feel that she's that self destructive and might drag you down with her. Make sure she does right by your brother and definitely get control of the check away from her but quit bailing her out. Don't help her unless she asks for it and sincerely wants it. A sure way to get hurt and disappointed is trying to help someone that doesn't want it.
I was reading this post, and I had to look twice just to make sure I was not reading my own thoughts. I have experienced a similar situation with my younger brothers. My heart goes out to you.
Your aunt can get the checks changed herself. She can write a letter to ssi and get them sent to her. She can also get additional assistance. Its not welfare or anything like that. I have to find out th actual name of the grant. But they give them to the care givers of children like your brother.
As for your sister. Do not blame yourself. I agree with everyone else. But at the same time you have to go with your heart on how to deal with her. But also let her come to you when she needs you. Sometimes a perosn has to hit complete bottom to realize they have to come up. When she s sick and tired of her situation she will change. If thats what she wants to do.
Sorry the comment was so long, but this kinda struck home with me.
I know exacly how you feel in this post. I have a younger sister, she has a 3 year old..I love my nephew dearly would do anything in the world for him..but his moms actions blow me...I mean how can you be soo stupid to not want better for yourself. My moms says it best "All you can do it pray". Sometimes I get tired of hearing that but other than literally sacrificing my sanity to make sure she becomes a better person what more can you do..just pray that God allows this to past and her to recognize what she needs to do to better herself...
I know you love ur sister but you are going to have to let her live her life and when she is ready to do better she will. Just keep her in prayer that works everytime.
Lady J couldn't have said it better
first let me say thanks to everyone for reading that long ass post. i tried to break it up, but i was tired and angry, and well, it didn't work out too well.
i'm actually going to break away from my norm and not respond to each individual comment. now, usually i don't do that because i feel like if you take the time to comment, i should take the time to respond individually. but, this time a lot of the comments are along the same lines and i don't want to be redundant. that being said, i suppose you're all right, i can't put on a cape and be Wonderwoman and save my sister. she'll have to come to it on her own. there's really not much more i can say than that.
Hey you're wising up early, it took me 40 years to accept my sis was a waste of space. Sometimes it's hard to believe we share DNA with our siblings.
I hope you and your aunt get the money thing sorted out. I'm sure your aunt would be able to deal directly with SS and get the payments changed.
Thanks for the responses on the questions. Why do I look in here? Cos I like your spirit and determination. Home left me at 17 and the early years after that I had a tough time making my way in the world. I guess I see that in you too. It's a hard row to hoe, but you'll get there.
There's a good Scottish saying, "We're all Jock Tamson's bairns" (children)
well, my hope is to never say about my sister that she's a waste of space. i feel that way about one of my other aunts, and it pains me everytime because, again, she has sooo much potential.
thanks for the encouraging words. i always find it interesting when ppl comment on how determined i am. i don't know, i guess i just do what i do and hope for the best.
i like that saying. true indeed...
well, my hope is to never say about my sister that she's a waste of space. i feel that way about one of my other aunts, and it pains me everytime because, again, she has sooo much potential.
thanks for the encouraging words. i always find it interesting when ppl comment on how determined i am. i don't know, i guess i just do what i do and hope for the best.
i like that saying. true indeed...
Lady J couldn't have said it better
I was reading this post, and I had to look twice just to make sure I was not reading my own thoughts. I have experienced a similar situation with my younger brothers. My heart goes out to you.
Your aunt can get the checks changed herself. She can write a letter to ssi and get them sent to her. She can also get additional assistance. Its not welfare or anything like that. I have to find out th actual name of the grant. But they give them to the care givers of children like your brother.
As for your sister. Do not blame yourself. I agree with everyone else. But at the same time you have to go with your heart on how to deal with her. But also let her come to you when she needs you. Sometimes a perosn has to hit complete bottom to realize they have to come up. When she s sick and tired of her situation she will change. If thats what she wants to do.
Sorry the comment was so long, but this kinda struck home with me.
first let me say thanks to everyone for reading that long ass post. i tried to break it up, but i was tired and angry, and well, it didn't work out too well.
i'm actually going to break away from my norm and not respond to each individual comment. now, usually i don't do that because i feel like if you take the time to comment, i should take the time to respond individually. but, this time a lot of the comments are along the same lines and i don't want to be redundant. that being said, i suppose you're all right, i can't put on a cape and be Wonderwoman and save my sister. she'll have to come to it on her own. there's really not much more i can say than that.
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