what a difference...

• last night i spoke with one of the friends i went to Europe with last summer. i hadn't spoken with her in several months, and she mentioned that she and the friend we went to visit in Amsterdam were going to South Africa next month for the World Cup. now, our friend asked me if i wanted to go several months ago, and of course, i had to decline because my money is not what it once was. we hadn't discussed the trip since then, but my friend is a go-getter and i knew she'd go alone if she had to do so. but, you know, i got really down about the fact that i wasn't able to go with them. i started thinking about how this time last year i was preparing for a trip out of the country and this summer the farthest i'm going is Tulsa. i know i made the choice to go back to grad school and work part time, but it's times like those that make me wonder if i made the right choice. yes, i know a trip out of the country is an extreme, but i do question if i'm allowing opportunities to pass me by all for a degree. i'm really hoping that in the end the sacrifices are worth it, i really do.
• i'm inspired by this new hair style Janet's sporting. i took down my weave a few days ago and have been wearing my "real" hair and i just want to cut it off. it's funny because i was sooo intent on growing it out (and it's at a nice length) and then yesterday i looked myself in the mirror and thought, you know what, i wanna just cut it all off. after all, it's just hair. i don't know, i just want to do something i've never done before, and at this point i've done it all--- my own relaxed hair, micro braids, natural with an Afro, big and curly, long and straight, braids, kinky twists, cornrows. you name, i've done it. well... i've NEVER (and never will) had a Jheri Curl! lol! and i've never gone really short. and i'm at the point where i wanna be different. when i switched over to the style over there---> i got sooo many compliments. and i appreciated them, but i couldn't help but wonder if people liked it because it looked really nice on me or if they liked it because it fit the standard European standard of what is beautiful. so, i took the compliments with a grain of salt. it's so funny to me because at one time i was vehemently against relaxers. i mean, i refused to ever get one again. and now, here i sit seriously considering chopping my hair off AND relaxing it. i'm still anti-relaxers, but only when Black women and men feel that's the only way women should wear their hair and that wearing your natural hair is some sort of abomination. at any rate, i have a hair appointment on Saturday afternoon, so we'll see what happens.
  
• i got a random text from Mr. NRN tonight. he texts me from time to time just to say what's up and see how i'm doing. in spite of how things went down between us a few years ago, i've accepted the fact that we'll always be connected in some way. anyway, tonight he mentioned that he had a girlfriend now. ok, for him, this is HUGE news. as long as i've known him (8 years, almost) he's been relationship phobic. he loved him some me (cue the Toni Braxton), but could never commit to a full relationship. once it became crystal clear that things weren't meant to be between us, i encouraged him to get out and date other women, so when he told me that, i congratulated him and told him i was glad he made that next step. he then replied that even 50 years from now, he'd still love me and that he'd always remember my love and his inability to push forward. and, you know, when i read that, i didn't really feel angry, sad or even wonder why he'd never been able to take that leap with me, which are all feelings/thoughts i would have had at one time. i just saw it as another chapter in my life.
• last night while taking a shower, i got to thinking about the "relationship" with CO. (don't read into the fact that i thought about him while in the shower. i have some of my most enlightening epiphanies while showering.) anyway, so my mind drifted to the situation and i got so angry! angry at things he said/did, angry at myself for not being more assertive i about what i wanted and needed in the relationship and for allowing him to make me feel bad when i did express dissatisfaction. the thing is, in this relationship with JE, i'm quick to make it known when i'm not happy. it's almost as if i'm making up for lost time, and that's not healthy.
  
• at one time, i LOVED this song by Anthony Hamilton and David Banner. now that the lyrics (NOT the video; our electricity hasn't been cut off) are more or less my reality, uhm, it's not so cool. it's hard and played out...
• i wasn't intending to blog about this, but i'm in a revealing mood tonight. so, about a month ago, JE tells me that when he was about 11 years old, he had a surgical emergency occur and the result is that he's unable to produce children. he also tells me i'm the first woman that he's dated that he shared this information with. needless to say, i was floored by this news. as most of my regulars know, i'm not remotely interested in having children right now. and, really, i'm not too keen on being pregnant when i am ready. i'm cool with skipping all of that and just having a child handed to me. but, the fact that having children naturally isn't an option just made me feel some type of way. the thing is, i kinda suspected something was off because JE will be 35 next week, he doesn't have any children and i know for a fact that he was quite the ladies man. we've used double protection, so the fact that i hadn't come up with child didn't shock me at all. what also threw me through a loop about the whole thing is that JE has been very open about his past. as i mentioned before, he has a... checkered past and he's told me about everything he used to do, the people he used to be involved with, etc. if anyone tries to shock me with any of it, they won't get a reaction from me because i know the story. anyway, i just felt somewhat betrayed that he didn't tell me about the infertility issue. i'm less hurt now and understand we all have skeletons in our closet, but i'm still like... wow.
  
• so, tomorrow marks exactly 6 years since my mom passed away. it's amazing how even after all this time, i'm still shocked that she's not here with us. yet, at the same time, i remember everything about the day she died. even the outfit i was wearing, which i eventually gave away because of the memories associated with it. the days leading up to her funeral are all a blur, but May 25, 2004 is anything but a blur. and, well, i suppose that's the way it should be.
• on a bright note, i got a job! one of the positions i interviewed for last week wants to hire me. as long as all paperwork is processed in a timely fashion, i'll be working by June 1! i'd been praying fervently that i'd have no gaps in income and i'm so happy God answered that prayer. (my current job is over, but the official end date is May 31). i haven't heard from the other job i had the interview for last week, but what would be ideal is i got that one too (they're both part time), so i could have full time money. then again, if that doesn't happen, it's ok. it is summer after all and i probably need not go as hard as i did during the regular session.
  

until next time...

que sera sera

• well, school is over and so is work. it feels strange having absolutely nothing to do. i finally got to read a book for leisure a few days ago and it was great! i started and completed it in less than 24 hours and didn't have to worry about feeling guilty about not doing "real" work. the book was just ok, but it was still nice to read something completely for pleasure.
• last Friday i went to visit KI.PP Aus.tin. they asked me to come for a day long observation (7am-4:15pm) and interview, with the majority of the time spent observing classrooms. i already know a lot about KI.PP, so i wasn't too surprised by anything. the work is rigorous, the teachers are strict, the school is centered on certain values, etc. at the end of the year, each grade level goes on a field lesson to various places in the country. so, when i got there the 8th graders were on their field lesson to NYC, 7th grade was leaving for ATL and NOLA in a few days, 6th grade was leaving for Utah a day after 7th grade and the 5th graders were finding out that day if they had earned a "golden ticket" to their trip (students have to earn the trip, so some wouldn't be going). so, it was run of the mill KI.PP, really. the thing that did strike and bother me was the fact that though almost 100% of the students are Black or Hispanic, all of the teachers were White. as a matter of fact, the only adults of color i saw at the school were the principal, the secretary, and the cafeteria employees. now, the school is small (there is only 1 subject level teacher at each grade level. so, one person teaches all students in 5th grade reading, 1 teaches 5th grade math, etc.) and the 8th grade teachers were away. BUT, i'm willing to bet most of them were White. now, i'm not saying that a Black or Hispanic teacher would be better at the job. but, what i am saying is that it's clear that the school doesn't have a commitment to staff diversity. and that REALLY bothered me. nationally, the teaching profession is comprised primarily of White women and Austin doesn't have a significant Black population. but, the city has a significant Hispanic population and i just expected a school like KIPP to do better in terms of diversity. i wanted to address it in the interview, but didn't know how to broach it without it coming across as me playing the race card. as for the interview, i felt it went well. i observed before the interview, did more observations after and then had a debrief before i went home. even though things went well, as i walked out to my car, i got this feeling that i wouldn't be working there. and the thing about it, i didn't feel sad or upset about it. it just felt like a fact and that i needed to move on to other things. and sure enough, i got an e-mail from the principal today saying they wouldn't be moving forward in the process with me. there's a part of me that wants to know why, but i'm ok with the decision. while i was there it came to me that my heart wouldn't be in teaching 5th grade. my passion is for early childhood education and that's where i need to be, if i'm going to teach. also, i just can't see myself working at a school where all the teachers are White. i just couldn't shake that fact. i thought about it for days after the visit, that's how much it bothered me. so, that's that.
• the day before i visited KIPP i got an e-mail and phone call inviting me to interview for two separate Graduate Research Assistant positions. i'd sent my resume about both of them a week before and had actually forgotten all about them, to be honest. anyway, i had one interview today and it was very informal; a far cry from my KIPP, TFA, and Baton Rouge interviews. so, in a way it was nice, but in a way i felt like we could've just done it over the phone. the other interview is tomorrow afternoon and i'm hoping it's more structured than the one i had this morning. the thing that i'm trying to figure out is if i'm required to be enrolled in classes during the summer in order to be eligible for the positions. if not, i might drop my summer classes, and work both jobs on a part time basis. then again, since it's looking like it's meant for me to stay in school, i want to get as much knocked out of the way as i possibly can. once i know if i even have a job, i'll be able to make a decision.
• so, when i got my rejection e-mail from the Baton Rouge position, he asked if he could pass my resume to other "like minded" organizations. i said yes, even though i knew i wouldn't take anything offered to me. not because i didn't want to work in Louisiana education reform, but because the timing is bad now. anyway, today i was contacted by two organizations regarding jobs in NOLA. one was just a general e-mail with job descriptions that are already on the organization's website. they sound interesting, but a) i just signed a new year long lease and b) i can't afford to move. the other call was from someone at KI.PP new.orleans. the guy didn't say what positions he wanted to discuss with me, but the website only lists two non-staff positions and i'm not interested in either one. there are several teaching positions open, but at this point, i can't see myself moving for a teaching position. at any rate, i'll call dude back tomorrow to see what's he talking about. oh, i just did a quick search on him and it turns out he's a Morehouse grad, got his MBA from Cornell 2 years ago, we have two mutual FB friends, and he's a Broad resident working for/at KIPP and is responsible for hiring non-instructional positions. AND he's really cute! gotta love Google!
• last week JE slipped and fell while in a grocery store here in the city. i wasn't with him when it happened. however, it seems that there was some water on the floor (that he didn't see) in front of a freezer and so he slipped and fell and would up hurting his knee. he's been to see a chiropractor who told him what was wrong with him, that the problem would/could be corrected with 3 months of therapy and then suggested he get an attorney. JE called an attorney and sent him a statement of what happened. i'm hoping that the attorney is able to get things sorted out, especially since JE doesn't have any health insurance right now, and the chiropractor is charging $50 per visit. thankfully, the first two visits (for taking x-rays and other taking and then discussing the test results) are free.
  
• so, i wrote this post to say that things right now are up in the air. the good thing is that i'm not stressed out about what will happen next. i do have my moments here and there where i get anxious because i have no idea what's happening next. but, it passes because i know, at this point, i've done all that i can do.

until next time...

on life (again)

• i was looking over some old blog posts and it's so interesting to me from how far i've come. i'd even forgotten about some of the experiences that i blogged about.
• i got a letter from my aunt in Houston last night and in it she asked when would be a good time for her to come for a visit. when i read it, i paused because i'm a little wary of her visiting. see,back in March, she wrote me a letter and in it she mentioned that when she'd come for Thanksgiving that JE didn't want her to stay long. so, i wrote her back and assured her that wasn't the case and thought that was the end of the issue. well, it wasn't. she wrote this letter back saying that she felt JE should have "honored" me and talked to her if we were "that close" to marriage (which we are NOT, by the way), that she wondered if his moving to Austin wasn't out of fear more than love for me, that he had some honorable qualities, but she wasn't sure if he was meant to be in my future, and some more off base things. needless to say, after i read the letter, i was incensed! i was so angry because a) she didn't (and still doesn't) know much about the relationship. No one does, really as I've made a conscience effort to keep that private. from her limited knowledge, she then made a lot of incorrect assumptions, b) she made a lot of judgments about a person she only met once, c) she waited months to say something. like i said, she visited back in November and we've seen one another since then. so, why wait to open your mouth and say how you feel, if you feel that strongly? d) i'm an adult. i mean, really and truly. there are still some people my age who rely on their family to help out with things (namely financial). I do not have that luxury. so, i take issue with people who don't pay my bills giving me unsolicited advice/opinions. so, i wrote he back basically telling her as much (in a respectful tone, of course). she then responded and basically said she was sorry if she overstepped her boundaries and conceded that it was still hard to realize that i'm really an adult. my aunt and i have always been close and i told her i didn't want this issue to divide us. BUT, there's still a part of me that's wary about her coming to visit, if only for a day or two. i really hadn't intended to blog about that incident, but it just wouldn't go away.
• i didn't get the position in Baton Rouge. honestly, i wasn't disappointed i didn't get it, but more relieved.i say relieved because i still hadn't figured out how to pay the relocation costs. also, the way the whole process left me with a bad taste in my mouth. i had a feeling that when the position was originally developed, they were planning to use Race to the Top funds to pay for the fellowship and when they didn't win Race to the Top, they had to scramble to find a way to still do the program. so, they downsized and limited the number of departments in which we would be working. which is understandable. but, they needed to be up front with all applicants about that so that we're not wasting time. i was interested in early childhood education, but when i had my final phone interview, it came out that they weren't looking to place people in that office. my interviewer told me that if they won Race to the Top in the fall, they might be able to expand the program. which led me to believe i met the qualifications, but they just couldn't find a space for me. i don't know, the lack of transparency got under my skin.
  
• on to the next one... i'm still in process with the KIPP school here in Austin. i was supposed to hear about that yesterday, as promised. so, i followed up with the recruitment director i interviewed with. she assured me i hadn't been forgotten, but that principals were coming from under TAKS (the state standardized test), so they were a little behind and hoped to be in touch by tomorrow. so, we'll see how that goes. the thing is, if i get that position, i start work on June 7. yes, that's in about a month. KIPP schools run on an extended schedule. so, they have school for 3 weeks in June, are off for a month, and then begin again in late July. so, if i got it, i'd have to jump in feet first.
  
• the other day, i sat in a 1st grade classroom for a while and it made me realize how much i missed the classroom. it felt like being at home.
• last night i was working with my group members on a paper and they started talking about departmental politics and it again made me question how committed i was to the program. there are politics in any arena, so i know i can't escape them. but, it really made me wonder if it was all worth it. since i'm 100% sure i don't want to work in academia, i have to ask myself if jumping through the Ph.D. hoops is worth it.
  
• the conversation actually began with a discussion of a student in our program who is Latina and very... outspoken. i've had a class with her and while she's very bright and has a lot to offer, she's also very quick to dismiss the opinions of Whites when it comes to issues that impact black and brown people. it's not so much that she holds those opinions but they way that she communicates them. she's very caustic and i don't know... they say you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. but, there also the saying that well behaved women rarely make history. anyway, one person (who works with her) defended her and asked why was it that Black and Latino students had to tone down their opinions, and why couldn't Anglos (as he called them) just listen? it was an interesting conversation, to say the least.
  
• i'm having one of those moments when i want to be at home in Tulsa, knowing full well that once i'm there, i'll be ready to go back after a few days! every time i speak with my grandmother she says she looks forward to seeing me. i know that's her not so subtle way of saying she wants me to come home! however, i probably won't be going there until the end of july for my 10 year high school reunion.
• Mother's Day is in a few days... that may be part of the reason i want to be in Tulsa. for the first few Mother's Days after our mom passed, i always went home to be with my sister and brother. the days leading up to the very first Mother's Day without her, i was wreck. but, i pulled it together for my siblings. i think what also makes this time difficult is that she passed away at the end of May. So, May is a not-so-happy month. it blows my mind that it's been nearly 6 years since i saw her face, heard or voice, or anything.
  
• at this point, i'm trying not to worry about having another job by June 1. but, that's easier said than done. i'm thankful because i have what i need (and that's more than many can say), but i know that i need to be gainfully employed. if worse comes to worst, i can go to school and use my refund money to live on. but, i don't want to do that. also, just going to school will not work for me. i'll get bored quickly.
  

until next time...