a foot in the door...

you'll have to read the previous two posts to understand the story...

the party was wonderful! it was a lot of fun and i know my grandmother was happy to see everyone there. instead of saying "some words" on behalf on her grandchildren, i decided to read "Mother to Son," by Langston Hughes. i thought it was fitting. true to my procrastinating ways, i'd printed the poem out before going to breakfast that morning, skimmed it over once, and performed. lol... i really need to do better with my procrastination. thankfully, i was already very familiar with the poem. anyway, the party was really nice. one of uncles owns a restuarant with his boyfriend. so, they supplied the appetizer. one of my other other uncles went to cooking school, and he made the desserts, including my grandmother's cake. he tore it up! our family loves dessert and he did not disappoint! i did get a little sad because my mom wasn't there. she would have loved the party. sometimes it gets to me how a person can live to be 80 years old, but someone else doesn't live to see 44. anyway, the celebration was a huge success.

i stayed out really late with my friends on Saturday, so i got up late Sunday and decided to leave at noon instead of 9 am. after showering, i decided to call my father one more time. i know, i know, it seems crazy. but, you know, i just felt compelled to do it. i never wanted to say i hadn't done everything in my power to connect. so, i called him and he told me his car was still messed up. i then told him i didn't mind coming to where he stayed, if that was ok with him. he said ok and we agreed to meet at 10. after i get there and get out the car, the first thing he said was, "he sure look like your mama." people tell me that all of the time but few people tell me that right off. we were walking down the walkway and he said, "you know, i sure do miss your mama." i told him i missed her too and it again struck me because while people often tell me that they miss my mother, it was odd to hear that from him. i got into the apartment and meet his girlfriend, who hugs me and tells me she met me when i was a little girl. we stay there for only a few minutes before leaving and going to his mother's house.

as we're driving, he asks me what really happened to my mother. at first i didn't know what he was talking about because when i called and told him about her death, i told him it was due to heart trouble. i explained this again and he asked me if it was due to her high blood pressure. i confirmed this was the case and wondered to myself how he knew this. he then told me that a few days before my mother passed, she'd come to his job to see him and was telling him about the bills she was accumulating due to her health problems. then he told me that he was planning to see if he could add her to his insurance. to hear this was simply amazing. for one thing it confirmed that there was more to my mother and father's relationship. while they weren't romantically involved anymore, there was still contact. also, after my mom's death, i had a feeling that she knew her end was near. looking back, there were things she did that were out of the ordinary that i think were her way of saying goodbye and/or preparing us. given that her death was so sudden, we of course couldn't see that for what it was. anyway, i think her telling my father about her health was her way of preparing him so that the shock wasn't as great. he then tells me again how he would drive by my grandmother's house from time to time to see if were outside and how he couldn't just go up to the door. which, you know, he is right about. it wouldn't have gone over too well. then he mentions how when were younger, my mother told him one day that he would never see his kids again. he said he thought she was just talking, but that it sure enough turned out to be true.

when i was in college, my mom had told me she wouldn't allow our father to see us when were younger, but she didn't go into the reason. my mother was very private (like me), so i'm sure she had her reasons, but for her to do that seemed out of character. but, i guess when a person hurts you, you take away what you know will hurt that person the most. anyway, we get to his mother's house and shoot the breeze for a while. on the way back to his apartment, he asks if i think my sister will come and see him the next time. i try to tactfully tell i don't think she'll be down. he then tells me, "i know she's talking shit about me." he tells me that he and his girlfriend were on the bus with her one day and when my sister got off the bus, she stormed off, slamming the door with such force that other people commented how she must have been really angry. (while i wasn't there, i believe his story. my sister is hot blooded and i'm surprised she didn't get up and cuss him out.) anyway, he then told me he knew that seeing him was what made her act like that. he then mentions again how my mother said he would never see us again and at that time he was in some trouble with the law. i say ok, but this is a new day. and he agrees this is true. as we're driving into the entryway, he starts kinda rambling about how when were younger people always said how rare it was for a man to always have his children with him and that i'm his baby. he asks when he can call me and i tell him he can call whenever he wants. he asks when i'm coming back to tulsa and i tell him i won't be back until thanksgiving, after which he asks if i'll come to see him. i tell him i will. when we get to his apartment, he tells me he loves me and gets out.

as i drove home, i felt... at peace. i don't know how else to describe it. i had accomplished the goal i made for myself and it didn't turn out to be a bad experience. i did have to push through some red tape and deal with some bullshit. but, you know, after we parted ways, i wasn't even mad at my father. yeah, he should have gotten his shit together a long time ago. that goes without saying. but, i can't bring myself to dwell on that. maybe because i have my own life to live or maybe because i'm trying to focus on the present. i have no illusions that we'll have some Cliff and Rudy relationship. that can never be, but i am interested to see what type of relationship might be formed.

another thing that stood out to me is the love he had/has for my mother. i mean, he's not obsessing over her or anything like that. but, it was interesting to encounter someone who knew and loved my mother in a different way. until now, i'd only had my family and her friends as reference points. we've spoken since i came back to Houston and one of the first things he noted was how i sounded just like my mother. like i said before, people tell me all the time how much i am like my mother (which i take as a compliment). but, when he tells me that, i sense... something i can't quite name.

and lastly, i got the impression that at the end of the day, my father does love me. he hasn't shown that in the way a father should and maybe he feels lost as to how to make things right. and, you know, i can't even be mad at him for feeling that way. what can you say or do to make things right with your daughters who succesfully reached adulthood without you? when we spoke on Sunday he asked me again if i when i came home in November did i think the "three of us" (meaning me, my sister, and him) could get together. i again told him my sister probably wouldn't be down, but i would ask her. yet, what i really wanted to say is that she really won't go for it if you're not going to make an attempt to be an active part of her life. i mean, what's in it for her? but, i don't know if he's ready to hear that. then again, ready or not, i may have to go ahead and make that plain. at any rate, at this point, i'm planning to call him each Sunday and touch base. he doesn't have long distance and is allegedly working on getting it. honestly, at this point, that's neither here nor there. i can only worry about the things i can control. and that weekly call is the one thing in my locus of control.

until next time...