packing, Vegas, and long days

I'm slowly, but surely getting this apartment ready for a move in a few weeks. when we moved here a year ago, I didn't imagine moving just a year later, but the change will be good. JE and I were talking this evening, and he said that moving here and being in separate bedrooms was exactly what I needed to able to finish school. i hadn't thought of it that way, but he's right. i guess that's why i'm feeling ok about moving again; this place represents what i needed for a period of time and now i don't need this environment anymore.

speaking of JE. my, my, my, it's amazing how lighting some fire under him led to MAJOR progress. smh... the very things i have said needed to be addressed for a while have suddenly come to fruition. on one hand, i'm glad that he's getting his shit together. on the other, it's annoying the steps that needed to be taken for him to do so. i still see him as a friend, but not 100% sold on dating again.

my friends from college and i are planning our annual trip and this time, we're headed to Vegas!!! we've been wanting to go for awhile, but one friend was a hold out for a few years. i'm responsible for creating a survey to narrow down dates and locations. i was shocked when we all said yes to Sin City. The trip isn't until December, but I'm already looking forward to it.

I'm slated to start my full time gig on July 8. Lord knows that I'm not looking forward to it. i've been working just this one part time job (instead of two) this summer, and it's struck me how bored i'll be doing the work full time. also, my company has an "efficiency shutdown" for the month of July. that means we're required to take vacation days the entire first week of July and for the rest of the month, we work four days a week for 10 hours each day. ugh... yes, working in a cubicle for 10 hours a day. the very thought makes me want to scream.

a position opened on the research team that I worked with this past semester, and I'm hoping that i get that position instead. it's more money, the work is more meaningful, and it's a better fit for me and my career goals. i've submitted all application materials and know that I did the best i can to indicate that I'm the person for the job. i'm praying that a decision is made this week and that the decision that's made means I can submit a letter of resignation to my current employer this week. the job posting officially closed yesterday, and I haven't heard anything yet.

in the meantime, I'm planning ALL doctor's appointments for this month. I've got to find a way to break up those 10 hour days. i have an appointment with a new ob/gyn later this week. my PCOS has been kicking my ass lately. over a year ago, I was seeing a reproductive endocrinologist to treat me. he was very helpful up until the moment it was clear that i wasn't interested in getting pregnant. then, suddenly, he told me that my best bet right then was to stay away from doctors and just work on my diet and exercise. soooo... yeah, that wasn't the best advice. while i don't want to be in a doctor's office every other week, i do need to see someone to get some of these symptoms under control. i'm praying this new doctor is a good fit.

i was planning to go to Tulsa during my week off, but it's looking like that won't be happening. i originally planned to leave tomorrow, but then decided to leave on Saturday. now, i'm pretty sure i won't be going at all. a part of me wants to go, but the larger part of me doesn't look forward to making that drive in this July heat. also, the costs associated with moving are draining my account. maybe it'll be better if i go later in the summer or around Labor Day. my goal had been to go home four times per year. so far, i haven't been at all this year, largely because most of the family was here last month for my graduation. speaking of which, i totally forgot that i said i'd post pictures from my party. i'll do that soon. :-)

until next time...

adventures in entrepreneurship

this month I'm only working one part time job and i must say I'm enjoying every moment of it. i've only worked one job for the past few years, but always had graduate school work to complete, so it never felt like a true break. i arranged my work schedule so i only work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, which means a four day "weekend." :-D

of course, i haven't totally checked out. i don't know how to be still. i'm making some progress with my bath and body business. i mentioned a few posts back that i decided on a name and logo. i love both of them! today, i finally purchased a domain name and am looking into different platforms from which I can sell my products. the contenders are Storenvy, Big Cartel, and Etsy. This blog post does an excellent job of breaking down the pros and cons of all three. right now, i'm leaning towards Storenvy because it's the cheapest, but the layout doesn't quite jive with me. i know i can hire someone to design the website for me, but that costs money. i could teach myself how to do basic design stuff website, but i know i don't have an eye for graphic design.

this is where it would be useful to have a partner. i know how to make the products, research ingredients, and all of that. but, that's where my creativity ends. my design skills suck. i reached out to one company (that was recommended by a friend) for product label designs. she sent her price list, and i knew i had to decline. lol... people have a right to charge what they want, but i also have the right to decline to pay that amount. a few months ago (while i was working on my dissertation), I reached out to a woman who had a very successful bath and body business that she recently sold. she now has a consulting business which also includes logo and label designs. after i told her what i was interested in, i never heard back from her. hmmm... not a good sign. maybe my message got lost and i should circle back. her prices were quite reasonable.

at this point, my biggest "problem" is financing all the things i need and want to do. (I put problem in quotes because in the greater scheme of well, life, it's not really a problem.) i need a cool website, i need fly product labels, and i WANT this pricing software. Actually, I probably need the software, but... it's pricy (and worth every penny from what I see). I also MUST apply for an LLC and that costs a pretty penny here in Texas.

ah, start-up costs!! they are a bitch, but necessary. i absolutely refuse to do this in a fly-by-night way. my goal is to build a lasting business that supplies a steady stream of income, so i know i have to bite the bullet and find a way to make all of this happen.

until next time...

bug-a-boo

I finally decided to move. Lord knows I hate moving, but it's becoming readily apparent that moving into a new space is the best move. a few weeks ago, I blogged about the fact that I found the perfect apartment. i got a call last week that I was approved for the apartment, but I was still hesitant about moving. i had a number of justifications about why it wasn't a good idea, but really, they are all trivial. while in Nashville last week with a friend/co-worker for a conference, we discussed my hesitation about the move and my friend (who has some knowledge about the JE issue) asked me if I really wanted to deal with JE for another year. when i explained that i really hated the idea of moving, he said, "yeah, but the alternative... you gotta cut that anchor." you know what's amazing? when someone who only has limited knowledge of a situation can see exactly what's going on and help bring me back to the heart of the situation.

I've also can't shake a few recent conversations with JE that have left me... troubled. very troubled. back in November, i told him that the relationship was over and cited my reasons for ending it. since then, i've done everything to make it known that i'm not dating him. no sex. no physical contact. i don't cook for him. he doesn't cook for me. i don't accept gifts. we'd occasionally go out to eat or see a movie together, but i never allowed him to pay for me. i acted as if we were just friends. nothing more, nothing less. the only thing that remained the same was the fact that we still share my two bedroom, two bathroom apartment. in my eyes, we were simply roommates until he got financially stable enough to live alone. i hadn't dated anyone else, mainly because i was focused on finishing my dissertation and working two part time jobs. but, also, i didn't want to date anyone. throughout our time together, i felt like i was carrying JE. i was tired.

so, i thought that the fact that we were no longer together was crystal clear to JE. apparently, i was wrong. sigh... a few days before my graduation, he tells me that while he heard what i said about ending things, he didn't want to hear it. instead, he took it to mean that we weren't breaking up. instead, he just needed to get his own place and once he did, we'd still be together. the thing is, i did say that... about two years ago. after a year of seeing no progress on that front (among other things), i simply gave up on him. his ambition just wasn't there. just thinking and writing about this is making my blood pressure rise all over again. it was so maddening to see someone with so many ideas and gifts sit at home and waste them every single day. he seemed content with talking a good game and doing very little. meanwhile, i was working the hardest i'd ever worked to accomplish a professional goal.

after he told me that, i was dumbfounded. i've never known someone to take my words and completely turn them around to fit their desires. sure, there have been misunderstandings, but nothing of that magnitude. and, then, i felt... embarrassed(?) for him. what does it say about someone that they'll accept less than what they deserve in a relationship? for the past few months, he'd gotten to see me daily (which is what he wanted) without any of the good stuff that comes with being in a relationship. and then, i got angry. he chose to not address any of my concerns, yet expected me to remain in the relationship. what kind of fuckery is that?

but, really, i got angry with myself for allowing this to go on for so long. i was actually very hesitant to even publish this post because it's embarrassing to write about my choice to accept far less than i deserved for such a long time. but, you know, there is a part of me that believes in giving people second chances or the opportunity to get it right, when it comes to romantic relationships. it's strange that i behave that way when it comes to love because when it comes to every other aspect of my life, one chance is all you get with me.

lately, he's texted or told me about all the things he's doing that "might" address my areas of concern. honestly, i couldn't care less. i've heard the same thing for years and nothing came of it. i explained that addressing that area of concern right now would not sway my opinion. we still weren't together and once the lease expired, i'd be moving out and he would not be invited to move in with me. he then asked, "well, what if i [address two areas of concern], then would you consider dating me again?" Ya'll, some people would be impressed by that level of...persistence. I was not. I grew even more annoyed and concerned. it all drove home the point that as much as he says that he loves me and is in love me, he's really not. actually, i take that back. he's loving me the best way he knows, and it's not the way i need to be loved.

ugh, i'm tired of writing about this. so, until next time...