is all i can think to tell myself as i go to work everyday. and today it was my mantra nearly all day long. as you can probably tell, today was not the best of days. in fact, it was one of the worst. so, this summer i'm working for TFA as a "school operations manager," and my general job description is to take care of all the logistics and behind the scene work at the summer school site where corps members are training. now, what does it really mean i do? well, really all the work no one else wants to do. putting up bulletin boards, hanging signs, taking attendance, filling supply requests, fielding logistics questions, and a plethora of other things. the other day, as i was hanging signs for visitors, all i could ask myself was, "really, am i doing this? is this the best use of my time and talents?" would or should someone w/ my background and experiences be doing work like this? of course, the answer is no. it's tedious work that really, i have no interest in doing. but, you see, at one time i would have liked this. but, that time and season are over. and this job has certainly been my wake up call in that regards. it's unfortunate that we have to learn some lessons the hard way. and you know, i might be more okay with this position if i didn't take up so much of my time. so, i'm working like crazy doing something i don't like. it's a complete and utter mess.
one personal issue that i wasn't even aware of is that i don't like having managers who are essentially the same age as me. for some reason it bothers me to no end. that and coupled with the fact that i'm doing a job that is... not for someone of my caliber (as my aunt put it), you can imagine it is not a pretty picture. anyway, so over the past few weeks, it's become evident that there is tension between the two of us. i suppose i hadn't been doing too hard of a job hiding my frustration at some of the decisions and comments made, and whatnot. so, at our morning check in, she brought up the tension factor and then addressed "professionalism." did she mention the fact that she got snippy with me on more than one occasion, that she took something i was using to organize myself (with my permission), but didn't bother to replace it, and in fact told me that i could get another myself from her car? or how about the implicit way she relegates me to the side? no, her main concern was that some of the bulletin boards were crooked. now, up until this point, i'd been told they looked "great." truth be told, i questioned how genuine her statements were. have you ever met someone who always says things like "you're doing an amazing job" or compliments you on the smallest of things? some ppl like that, but as for me, i don't need a cheerleader. and if those cheers aren't sincere, save them. anyway, based on that feedback, i kept it moving to other projects. so, at our meeting, she "asks" me to change them and at the end of the day gives exact specifications on the boards. all the while, i'm utterly shocked that i'm having to spend my summer worrying about bulletin boards and angry at the fact that all my work was for nothing. after our conversation, i had to go into the restroom and pull myself back together. it wasn't so much that conversation, but a culmination of events that upset me. i said a prayer and walked out to the face the rest of the day. and the rest of the day went fairly well.
when i got home (after taking care of a flat tire--- yes, i also had a flat tire today), i ate dinner, showered, and got in the bed. even though i'd been telling myself not to allow this situation to get me down, my heart was hurting. before i got in the bed, my mind was flooded with people i wanted. i wished my mom was still here so i could call her, i wanted to call my aunt and tell her, blow by blow, what happened. i wished that instead of lying in the bed alone, CO was there with me. for a moment i thought i was trippin' over one conversation. but, no, it's not about that one conversation. it was about working like a dog and still feeling undervalued. it was about doing a job that i know isn't the best or highest for me. it was about just being tired and realizing i really needed to take a real break after the school year. anyway, after getting in bed, i promptly fell asleep. an hour or so later, i was awakened by a phone call from my aunt. it's funny because we usually only talk on the weekends. she must have known i needed to hear from her. anyway, nearly as soon as i answered, i started sharing with her what was going on. it was good to just talk to her and when she was sharing her life with me, to have the chance to dwell on other things.
wow... this post is longer than i intended and rambles (sorry about the latter); i just needed to get this off my chest (again).
until next time...
4 comments:
Hey cookie. I think she just feels threatened by you. She'll have seen your CV, bet you've not seen hers. Often people focus on the stuff they used to be good at in a lower post, it's their comfort zone.
Chin up, it's a summer job, it will pay the bills, hopefully, and like your say, "this too will pass"!
I've learned from my Spanish friend who is living with Stage 4 cancer. She always makes an effort to deal with the issue, but if it can't be fixed she shelves it and moves on, reluctant to waste valueable energy and time on something that isn't worth it.
You've given this a shot so let go. Concentrate on what's on the horizon and maybe what gives you pleasure. Summer's too short to waste.
You didn't grab her by the throat and brandish your pimp hand? I don't know what to say. The job isn't for the entire summer, right? That job might be the only area of that chick's life in which she feels she has some control. Regardless, whenever she irks you just imagine me jabbing my middle fingers into her eyes. I bet that made you smile, didn't it? You are such a mean and horrible person. LOL
Hope your weekend is more relaxing then your week.
apprentice: the thing is, i've seen her resume. well, i've seen her professional bio. so, she has no reason to be threatened. then again, perhaps she is for whatever reason. but, like you said, i have to move on and not dwell on this. while i don't see myself growing professionally all that much, at least it's extra $$ in my pocket.
freaky:
no, it's not for the whole summer. i have three weeks left.
and, yes, it did make me smile. :-)
Hey cookie. I think she just feels threatened by you. She'll have seen your CV, bet you've not seen hers. Often people focus on the stuff they used to be good at in a lower post, it's their comfort zone.
Chin up, it's a summer job, it will pay the bills, hopefully, and like your say, "this too will pass"!
I've learned from my Spanish friend who is living with Stage 4 cancer. She always makes an effort to deal with the issue, but if it can't be fixed she shelves it and moves on, reluctant to waste valueable energy and time on something that isn't worth it.
You've given this a shot so let go. Concentrate on what's on the horizon and maybe what gives you pleasure. Summer's too short to waste.
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