brain dumping...

• i should be planning for the next week, but i think my mind is still in denial that school's actually starting back tomorrow. i'm looking forward to seeing my kids. but, i'm not necessarily looking forward to teaching. honestly, i know one thing that's making me feel this way is that i still feel inadequate as a teacher, esp. after my visit to new orleans. i'm trying to be the best, and well... i'm falling short. but, i've been trying to get myself together and not be so hard on myself. but... it's hard. :-(
• last Thursday while i was in NoLa i got a call from someone in Tulsa. i didn't recognize the number and at first didn't answer it. but, i changed my mind because i figured it had to be from someone i know since only a few ppl in Tulsa know my cell number. anyway, i pick up the phone and lo and behold, it's my father. this is the first time in 6 months that he's actually called me. a few posts ago i mentioned that i was going to write him a letter and let him know how i felt. well... i never got around to writing that letter. not for lack of desire but because i didn't make the time to do it. i kept putting it off. anyway, we talked for a little while and he said he thought i was mad at him and had given up on him. i calmly explained that part of the reason i hadn't called was b/c i didn't know the new number. he kept saying he thought i was mad at him because when i came to see him in December, his girlfriend's grandkids were over. so, i had to tell him several times that hadn't angered me. honestly, i was happy to see him make an effort. i didn't tell him that, but maybe i should have.
  
• so, i think i've got this school/money thing figured out. maybe... so, i got my acceptance letter from the Graduate School this weekend and there's no mention of fellowship money. i e-mailed the woman over fellowships to be certain, but i assume they send out fellowship announcements with acceptance letters. needless to say, that was a major disappointment. i went online to see what other doctoral students did when they weren't given any funding outside of loans. i came across a few boards that said when a department doesn't offer funding to a doctoral student, it's a soft rejection. i'm not sure if that's true, but it made me sad nonetheless. anyway, i went to the department website and i get the sense that they don't have much in the way of money. i went ahead and e-mailed the graduate advisor and asked her about that (in a tactful way, of course) and then i e-mailed a student and asked her questions about the program. hopefully they'll get back to me soon so i can get a better picture of the department. while i was at the department website, i also looked over the syllabi for the required courses and actually got excited about them. who gets excited about reading articles and 20 page papers?!
• anyway, on to the money thing. i started to panic about how i was going to support myself i didn't have funding. so, i started looking for part time jobs in Austin and even applied for a full time position w/ tfa since i know they're flexible with the hours. i'd be taking 9 hours, and i worked it right, i'd be in class 2 days out of the week. the department actually has a few classes from 7-10 p.m., and i could also take a 4-7 p.m. class. that's crazy, you say? well, that's true, but it could be done. then i decided to look at the cost of tuition if i took 9 hours and from that deducted a tuition grant given to Texas residents. it's a very small grant, but something nonetheless. anyway, with that, my tuition for the entire year comes to a little over $4000 (gotta love being a TX resident!). coincidentally, my Americorps award is for a little over $4000. so, that would be taken care of for the first year. in the meantime, i'd be on the grind securing a fellowship, research and/or teaching assistantship so that i wouldn't be in this position next year. lastly, if push came to shove, i could use some of the student loans i was "awarded" from my financial aid package. i'd hate to do it, but it'd be something i could fall back on if need be. one other thing i'm also looking into is a Graduate Research Assistantship. the problem is that the ones i came across pay very little. but, they offer health insurance. while i was getting this all figured out, i wondered if it was really all worth it. and then i came across this quote on my friend's FB page: There is two keys to success: 1) figure out exactly what you want in life and 2) figure out the price you must pay and get busy paying that price. it's funny b/c this friend is one of the few ppl i can go to about life stuff and actually get sound advice. i hadn't been able to talk with him yet about what's going on, so it was nice to come across this. and well, maybe this is what i need to do to ultimately be successful.
  
• i was in an e-mailing mood last week and decided to touch base with ppl i hadn't spoken to in a minute. i e-mailed an old friend/acquaintance from ATL. he's a doctoral student at GA Tech and he'd actually been on my mind since i got into grad school. getting in contact with him made me remember how fun it used to be to talk with him. i might blog about how we met and got to know one another. i'd been meaning to post dating stories. the thing that's been holding me back is the fact that i can't remember all the details as well as i'd like. i might have to take some artistic liberty and combine a few stories into one. but, the story about Tech is one i haven't forgotten.
  

ok, i'd better get in the bed. Spring Break is officially over. :-( until next time...