deja vu

I feel like i've covered most of these thoughts/feelings/musings at some point in the past, but oh, well, here goes...

• like i mentioned in my last post, i'm considering locing my hair. while at the nail salon this afternoon, i saw a woman with locs, and i could tell she'd used the Sisterlocks method... It got to me thinking, i may want to take that route. i don't know, though. from what i understand, it can be pretty expensive to have it done and you need to have a licensed consultant do it. unfortunately, there aren't any in Austin. some are in Houston and San Antonio, but from i can tell, i'd have to go pretty regularly in the beginning for maintenance.
• once again i find myself questioning if i'm doing what i should be doing with my life. i'm questioning it because i'm not particularly happy with school or work, and since they consume 2/3 of my life, i need to be happy doing these things. right now, i see them as a means to an end. work pays the rent. and eventually, school will lead me to working for the Children's Defense Fund or another agency such as that. yet, i'm beginning to question if that's what i really want to do. i've been missing teaching a lot, and deep down, i know my heart is in the classroom. i've regretted not staying for at least a 3rd year and gaining more experience. at the same time, i don't want to remain in the classroom forever. i'd eventually like to assume a leadership position. it's funny because people who are still teaching always say, "Aren't you glad you left teaching?" and my answer to that is always, "Not really." In a perfect world, i'd be able to go back to teaching and go to school part time. however, the world is imperfect and teaching jobs in the primary grades are few and far between here in Austin. i could always find a job teaching back in Houston. (i'm not really keen on the idea of moving out of state.) in fact, i got an e-mail about a teaching position at a KIPP school in Houston. it was a general e-mail, and i'm not sure i'd like working at a KIPP school, and if i took the position, i could only work. going to school would be out of the question. wait... i'm digressing because my dilemma isn't about working for KIPP, but about going back to teaching. another thing that's holding me back from going back to teaching is the money i've invested into and borrowed for this year of school. i could take up to a year off from UT, but i'd hate to owe that money if i decide not to return. i don't know... i'm trying to be prayerful and thoughtful about it, but i'm still not at peace with anything.
  
• i work out of the library in one of the schools where i teach, and the librarian and the assistant were going on and on about the Winter Olympics. i didn't know any of the competitions they were listing. they've even designed some sort of reading competition themed around the Olympics. most of the students in the school are either Black or Latino. not to imply that they shouldn't be exposed to such things, but at the same time, there aren't any people or events that they can relate to with the Winter Olympics.
  
• everytime i look in the mirror all i can do is sigh and say, "Well, at least i've been eating well this winter."
  
• hmmm... it probably doesn't help that the past three Sundays i've made a key lime pie, rum cake, and banana cake. it usually takes about a week for it to be eaten (or the majority of it), but still... it's not helping at all.
  
• i swear, every single day, i contemplate taking this weave out of my head. there's nothing wrong w/ it, i'm just over the look. the only thing stopping me is the amount of money i paid to get it down and that i'm out of the products i use for styling my natural hair, all of which are things i purchase online. i guess i'll just have to hold out to Spring Break.
  
• i was hesitant to write about this, because i usually don't discuss relationship things on the blog, but oh, well. to explain my... dilemma (for lack of a better word), i have to provide some context. JE and i have known one another for about 4 years now. his mom and i were friends that's how we met. since i didn't come to Tulsa too often and only came by once or twice per visit to see his mother, we didn't get to interact too much. so, like any relationship, we've been learning a lot about one another. one thing that i've learned is his history with women. The best way i can describe it is to ask you to think about the song "Fire and Desire" by Rick James and Teena Marie.
  

So, they way they describe themselves in previous relationships is exactly how he told me was "cold as ice," "thought he was God's gift to women," and would "love them and leave them," and basically only cared about himself. Now, what got me was not necessarily that he was that way but the fact that he's loved and left quite a few. he admitted that deep down he always wanted to devote himself to one woman, but had to get through ripping and running first. and, in me, he's found the woman he wants to settle down with. to be honest, since we've been together, i haven't evidenced any of his old mentality and lifestyle. but, there's a small part of that's waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if that made sense, but that's something going through my head right now. i guess it's also part of my personality to wait for the other shoe to drop. Expect the best, but prepare for the worst... And i also realize this issue is just an insecurity i have to overcome.

• if you're looking for rugs for your house, stop by Garden Ridge. their prices are great! i got my dining room and though it's not the exact color scheme i was going for, it's pretty close to it and i only paid $30 for it. i haven't gotten around to redoing the bathroom or changing the bed set, but hopefully i will soon. the bed set's been put on hold until we get another bed, because as it stands, the two of us sleeping on a full size bed is NOT working.
  
• I'm looking into find another apartment, even though my lease isn't up until July. this apartment isn't the worst place ever, but i just wonder if there isn't something better out there. a few weeks ago we didn't have hot water for about a week because calcium deposits broke the boiler. that same week, the management had new toilets installed in every apartment, and the water had to be turned off during installation. now, we had warning about the toilet being off, and it wasn't off all day. now, as for the hot water situation, we were never informed what was going on. i had to call and ask about it. what made it so maddening was the fact that an entire section of the complex was without hot water. not just one building, more like 4-5. oh, and there's the fact that the apartment experienced extensive water damage, which i don't know how i missed before. last week, the toilet overflowed (yeah, that was a lot of fun) and the water somehow warped the doorframe (the toilet and tub can be closed off)... warped to the point where the door now won't close properly. one of the closet doors wouldn't close right when i first moved in and i reported it (they "fixed it" but cutting off part of the door at the bottom). now i see that the bedroom area must have flooded at some point, and instead of i don't know, replacing the doors, they just painted over them and left them! another thing that's making me reconsider staying here is the amount paid to live here in total. there's the rent, and then there are the utility bills. Since JE splits those costs with me, i hadn't really considered just how much is being paid. but, now that i'm tallying it up, it's a lot of money to stay in an older complex. i really don't want to move again, but i also don't want to pay a lot of money to stay in a so-so place.
  

until next time...