Well, JE left this morning. I watched from the bedroom window as he walked to his car and drove off. I cried like someone died to the point that I thought I was going to make myself sick. My reaction shocked me. I'm PMSing, so my emotions are heightened, but still... I didn't anticipate being nearly hysterical.
Right before her left, I went into the bathroom and busied myself with folding laundry, as he took the last of his things to his car. I just couldn't watch him do that. When he came back, he handed over his keys and sat at the dining room table before asking me to give him a hug before he left for work. (He's driving back to Tulsa after he gets off.) As I stood up, the tears started, so I went to the bathroom to collect myself. After a few seconds, I heard him come in and he wrapped his arms around (from behind) and just held me as I cried. I couldn't see his face, but by the way he was breathing, I'm pretty sure he was crying too. A few minutes before we left the bathroom he told me, "I don't want you to worry about anything. If you want me to come back, just say, 'Baby, come back home,' and I'll drop everything and come back. You know that. Just remember that." And he's right, I did know that. In spite of all my frustrations with him, we truly love one another. If I needed him, he'd come, no matter what. And I would do the same thing. Six years is a short amount of time, but we've been through so much together... some things that some married couples haven't experienced. It was at that point that I began wondering if I was making a big mistake.
Last night, we had an awesome time together. We didn't do anything other than talk and it felt like old times. We hadn't really talked in months, without it leading to an argument. Days would go by without us saying more than good morning, if that. It was all bad. Anyway, last night, we talked about our plans for the future. My uncertainty about whether to renew the lease or just move out in September. He talked about his plans and concerns regarding moving back to Tulsa. We discussed our relationship and had an open conversation about how we were too stubborn to admit that it wasn't working and that maybe we are better friends than lovers. Without going into too much detail, one of our biggest challenges was regarding finances. We could never seem to get on the same page. Well, last night, he finally shared some things with me that had I known them, I would have been more understanding and we could have worked through them together. But, I didn't know...
I haven't experienced a break up in a long time, so I guess this is all a part of the grieving process. I saw my therapist today and she confirmed that doubting my decision is normal. She said that it sounded like I made a step forward. I would agree. The thing is, with the decision to stay in Austin looming in mind, I still have so many other decisions to make. I have a feeling that everything will fall into place. It's the big unknown that's wearing on me.
Until next time...
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