if it's not one thing...

it's another!

• life is... kinda crazy right now. things are improving on the summer job front. i still don't like may manager, but i can at least tolerate her a lot more. i don't really love the work or anything like that, but i don't hate it as i once did. *knocking on wood* so, i can be thankful to God for that. we have a few weeks left and then it's real vacation for me. well, almost. i still have one class left before i'm certified.
• so, while the job front has picked up, other things are going awry. i talked to my aunt last night and she told me how she'd had to go see about some legal matters regarding the child support my brother's father is supposed to be paying. (when my mother passed and our aunt became his guardian, the burden of taking care of this fell on her.) anyway, long story short, after the court proceedings, she met my brother's father, completely by accident. the back story is that my brother has never known his father in his 17 years of life. never seen a picture of him, never heard from him... nothing. truth be told, i don't even remember him all that well. my mom didn't have very many boyfriends and i have a stellar memory, but i can't place his face for whatever reason. no one in the family knew him and well, the only person who would know is gone. anyway, when my aunt met him, she got his phone number and through a series of channels, my brother got to speak with his father. come to find out my brother has several other siblings, some of whom are close in age to me and my sister. all the while my aunt was telling me this, i had to fight to keep my anger hidden. of course, i'm bothered by the fact that he has this amazing son he's never known and whom he only supported after the courts got to him. but, you know, i was willing to lay that aside, because i know how important it was to my brother to know his father. what got me was 1) this dude didn't even remember my mother's name and was completely clueless as to the fact that she had passed away. it's like, what the fuck?! how do you not remember that?, 2) apparently, my brother has several other siblings. i suppose the jealous nature in me was a little annoyed to hear this. i mean, my brother should know his family. he needs that. there's just the protective side of me coming out and i worry he'll be hurt. but, as i talked with my aunt, i kept cool. and when i talk to my brother (we played phone tag this weekend), i'll stay as calm. i'm trying to keep in mind that my mother never spoke ill of me and my sister's father (and she had plenty reason to do so) or my brother's. and, at the end of the day, this is about my brother's happiness. and right now, he's cool with getting to know his father. also, my sister is doing enough flipping out for the entire family. ;-)
• my friend's wedding is in about a month now. i just spent about $350 on a flight. *le sigh* at least it wasn't $500, which is what the cost was when i first looked at prices.
• CO and I had a falling out. i won't go into particulars, because well, what goes on in the relationship, stays in the relationship. just suffice it to say that it was a major fall out and i won't be going to Austin in 2 weeks, as planned. while the whole thing makes me very sad, i'm not really surprised; with everything else going on, the relationship was bound to take a hit. hopefully we'll be able to bounce back from this and keep it movin.'
• my aunt is still planning to move to Houston and stay with me. i don't know how to tell her that i'm not really ok with it. don't get me wrong, i love my aunt. she's like a second mother. it's her instability that worries me. that and the fact she mentioned staying with me for a year. i sat there dumb founded. i'm trying to figure out the best way to approach the subject with her.
• the former dick dealer has been contacting me this week. he's so dense, it amazes me. so, i told him i had a boyfriend now. i was clear on that over a month ago. so, why does this dude text me at nearly 10 pm and ask if i'm at home?! good God almighty, please don't act like you're asking so you can come over and talk! i'm going to have to go ahead and delete his number. either that or get very, very explicit with him. maybe he'll respond to that.

well, i guess that's all... for now. i hate that this post was so negative. i have a lot to be thankful for. i just needed another outlet where i could vent.
until next time...

3 Questions on Life...

so, i was looking for a meme and didn't really see any that i liked and/or hadn't done already. i came across this on a random blog. feel free to do it if you want. it's not a "fun" meme, but a more introspective one...

1. When you look back at your childhood dreams, has your life gone in the direction you expected?
when i was a child, i thought i'd be a wealthy writer. hmmm... shows how much i knew about the writing profession. :-) when i was a kid, i thought i'd be able to do whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted. while that's not completely true, i do enjoy a great deal of independence. so, while i may not be a writer (hey... who knows, i could be one day), i am experiencing the freedom i expected.

2. What were the three most life changing events in your life? How did they shape who you are?

1. Attending Spelman. It was the best choice I've made for myself, thus far. one thing i know for sure is that America doesn't love Black women and all too often we don't love ourselves. becoming a Spelman woman really opened my eyes as to what it means to be a Black woman, opened my eyes to the possibilities that are available to me, raised my social consciousness, and afforded me the opportunity to be surrounded for four years by those who are young, gifted and black. i wouldn't trade my time there for anything in the world.
2. my mom's death. my mom passed away very suddenly four years ago, a few months shy of turning 44. as you can imagine, her death completely shook my foundation. the answer to this question is another post in and of itself, so i'll leave it there...
   
3. living and going to school in Santa Barbara, CA. talk about culture shock! my experience showed me the importance of looking at things holistically when making a major decision. before i went, i was just excited about being in a MA/Ph.D. program and not considering that school would not be the end all and be all.
   

3. Is there anything you would drastically change about your life or are you content with where your life has taken you?
If I could change anything, it'd be my career. it's funny because for the most part, when i'm unhappy about something in my life, it's easy for me to identify in exactly what direction i want to move. with the job thing, i'm better able to say what i don't like or what i don't want to do. but, if i could change anything, it would be my career. that being said, i know (even though it's tough to see it at times) that everything is leading me to the best and highest for me.

this too shall pass...

is all i can think to tell myself as i go to work everyday. and today it was my mantra nearly all day long. as you can probably tell, today was not the best of days. in fact, it was one of the worst. so, this summer i'm working for TFA as a "school operations manager," and my general job description is to take care of all the logistics and behind the scene work at the summer school site where corps members are training. now, what does it really mean i do? well, really all the work no one else wants to do. putting up bulletin boards, hanging signs, taking attendance, filling supply requests, fielding logistics questions, and a plethora of other things. the other day, as i was hanging signs for visitors, all i could ask myself was, "really, am i doing this? is this the best use of my time and talents?" would or should someone w/ my background and experiences be doing work like this? of course, the answer is no. it's tedious work that really, i have no interest in doing. but, you see, at one time i would have liked this. but, that time and season are over. and this job has certainly been my wake up call in that regards. it's unfortunate that we have to learn some lessons the hard way. and you know, i might be more okay with this position if i didn't take up so much of my time. so, i'm working like crazy doing something i don't like. it's a complete and utter mess.

one personal issue that i wasn't even aware of is that i don't like having managers who are essentially the same age as me. for some reason it bothers me to no end. that and coupled with the fact that i'm doing a job that is... not for someone of my caliber (as my aunt put it), you can imagine it is not a pretty picture. anyway, so over the past few weeks, it's become evident that there is tension between the two of us. i suppose i hadn't been doing too hard of a job hiding my frustration at some of the decisions and comments made, and whatnot. so, at our morning check in, she brought up the tension factor and then addressed "professionalism." did she mention the fact that she got snippy with me on more than one occasion, that she took something i was using to organize myself (with my permission), but didn't bother to replace it, and in fact told me that i could get another myself from her car? or how about the implicit way she relegates me to the side? no, her main concern was that some of the bulletin boards were crooked. now, up until this point, i'd been told they looked "great." truth be told, i questioned how genuine her statements were. have you ever met someone who always says things like "you're doing an amazing job" or compliments you on the smallest of things? some ppl like that, but as for me, i don't need a cheerleader. and if those cheers aren't sincere, save them. anyway, based on that feedback, i kept it moving to other projects. so, at our meeting, she "asks" me to change them and at the end of the day gives exact specifications on the boards. all the while, i'm utterly shocked that i'm having to spend my summer worrying about bulletin boards and angry at the fact that all my work was for nothing. after our conversation, i had to go into the restroom and pull myself back together. it wasn't so much that conversation, but a culmination of events that upset me. i said a prayer and walked out to the face the rest of the day. and the rest of the day went fairly well.

when i got home (after taking care of a flat tire--- yes, i also had a flat tire today), i ate dinner, showered, and got in the bed. even though i'd been telling myself not to allow this situation to get me down, my heart was hurting. before i got in the bed, my mind was flooded with people i wanted. i wished my mom was still here so i could call her, i wanted to call my aunt and tell her, blow by blow, what happened. i wished that instead of lying in the bed alone, CO was there with me. for a moment i thought i was trippin' over one conversation. but, no, it's not about that one conversation. it was about working like a dog and still feeling undervalued. it was about doing a job that i know isn't the best or highest for me. it was about just being tired and realizing i really needed to take a real break after the school year. anyway, after getting in bed, i promptly fell asleep. an hour or so later, i was awakened by a phone call from my aunt. it's funny because we usually only talk on the weekends. she must have known i needed to hear from her. anyway, nearly as soon as i answered, i started sharing with her what was going on. it was good to just talk to her and when she was sharing her life with me, to have the chance to dwell on other things.

wow... this post is longer than i intended and rambles (sorry about the latter); i just needed to get this off my chest (again).


until next time...