a day late and a dollar short

so, i got paid on Thursday and after i paid all the bills. just the bills mind you, i see i have nothing left. and when i say nothing left, i mean absolutely nothing. in fact, if i didn't switch some things around i would have had a negative balance. so, i'm left wondering how i'm going to take care of the necessities. you know food, gas, toiletries. the little things in life. that this was the case just blew my mind. i really didn't understand how i'd gotten into this position. i mean, this time last month, i was cool. i didn't have a lot left over, but i had something to work with. and when i calculated everything out last month in prep for this now, i was cool. so, it it just didn't make sense to me. then, i see that this month a few of the usual expenses cost a little more than i anticipated. then i started trying to figure out where the extra $$ would come from. and well, i didn't come up with anything viable. (i seriously contemplated selling plasma; do they even pay for that anymore? :-). there is only one person i feel comfortable asking for $$ and that's my aunt i mentioned a few posts ago whose not in the best of financial situations herself. my grandmother always asks me if i "need anything" when we talk, but i can't in good faith ask a woman who's nearly 80 and living primarily on social security for cash. i do have a credit card, but it's nearing the limit, and i'd hate to use even a little bit knowing full well i won't be able to pay back what i spent with my earnings from next pay period. the food issue is most pressing since i don't have much to work with. since i wasn't really here last month, i didn't bother to buy much of anything. thankfully, i have a few things to work with--- some onions, granola, soy milk, some apples, a few packages of frozen vegetables, pasta, pasta sauce, a few cans of beans, and plenty of diced tomatoes and tomato sauce. alas, no meat, which is ok. i don't each much meat anyway. so, i'm going to have to be very creative until the 15th rolls around. as for gas, well, i'll be working from home a lot! the only place of distance that i go is to work, and at 18 miles (roundtrip), i should be cool. the only issue is that i can't get my wireless router to work properly and i need a wireless connection to do my job from home. i'll have to try it again tomorrow.
i went to the mailbox today and see that i have a bill for bloodwork i had in September. my co-pay is close to $100. i looked at the charges for the bloodwork, and it came to nearly $1200! (this was the work i had done when i had the foot swelling problems and my aunt came down to go to the doctor with me.) so, i have to come up with $100 to cover this. i'll just have to call and make some arrangements.
at this point, i can't even be upset about all of this. i don't even have the energy. it's like (i'm working on taking 'like' out of my vocab; i use it way too much) it's just one more thing to deal with. my life just feels like a mess right now and as if i'm just holding on by my shoe strings.
this financial situation just speaks to the fact that i need to make more money. period. i've done what i can to eliminate the frivolous and i still don't make enough. from where i stand, that means one of two things: 1) look for another job and quit this one or 2) get a 2nd job. as for the former, i don't want to leave this job, and i can't really leave my team in the lurch. also, as this is only my second "real" job, it won't look good if i dip out after only 5 months. as for the latter, i honestly don't know when i'll have the time to actually find and interview for a second job. also, if i get one, given the schedule with this job, i'm not convinced i'll end up making that much more money. at least not enough to compensate for the fact that i'll be exhausted and probably half crazy.
a few nights ago i had a conversation with CO that i expected to last about 15 minutes, but that went on for over 2 hours. i won't get into a blow by blow account of what was said, but once we got off the phone i questioned why he was in a relationship with me. he said that he'd been basically fooling himself, thinking that he was in a relationship since he always gave me the benefit of the doubt and i never extended the same to him. basically, he was saying that he trusted me and i didn't act like i trusted him. what gets me is i don't understand why he feels like at this point he should have my complete trust. i mean, that's something you work up to and it's not going to happen over a few phone calls. also, i don't like how he acts like he's putting in a great deal of effort and with no response. since we started "dating" about a month ago, i think we've spoken about 10 times or so, and some of those "conversations" have lasted less than 15 minutes. now, i really haven't been upset with that because i understand he's busy with school and i've been busy as well. but, damn, don't act like we've been operating under the auspices of a typical relationship. i fully expected him to say he didn't want to date me anymore at the end of our conversation. but, he didn't. (i, on the other hand, sure did want to end it all. i talked to one of my friends today and before i could tell her i was ready to throw in the towel, she told me to give it more time. lol... she knows me so well. plus, we've only been in this for a month. how lame would that be to break it off just because everything isn't rosy?) after we got off the phone, i burst into tears. not so much because of our conversation, but because that convo was the straw that broke the camel's back. lately i'd been struggling with feelings of inadequacy. it just feels like i'm not doing enough. i'm not making enough money, not working hard enough, not pretty enough, not open enough, not organized enough, not aggressive enough, and the list could go on. and you know, it's totally new for me to feel this way. i'm not one to brag, but until now, i've been confident that i've been making the right decisions; i've always been the good girl and until now my actions have led to good things. now, i'm not at all confident. it feels like nothing is going right. and you know, i'm just tired of trying to figure it all out. i'm tired of working hard to make things right. it's like, you know, just fuck it all.
my feelings do make me remember a conversation i had with my aunt when i was at home last week. as i said before, she's in theology school (well, she's taking a break now) and she was having her prayer time and when she was done, she told me that God told her to tell me that though my faith was strong, i needed to work on really believing in the promises that God has for me. she went on to say that i'm highly favored by God because of my genuine nature and that he had great things in store for me. but, i needed to become closer to him and trust him more. i'm not one to take everything someone says to me to heart, but i do trust my aunt and take what she says to heart more often than not. after, she's one of the few people in this world who really knows me. anyway, when i heard that i really wasn't all that surprised. lately i'd been thinking that the main reason why shit just wasn't working out was because i'd been relying too much on myself and my own devices. there was a time when i prayed more and listened to God more, but i guess over the past 2 and half years or so i've been less trusting of God. you might remember that about 2.5 years ago was when my mom died. her death was very sudden and you know, for the life of me i can't understand why that had to happen. (and no amount of hearing, well, things happen for a reason, God knows what he's doing, etc. make me feel better or give me peace.) i just don't understand why a woman should only live to see 43 and leave 3 children behind. i don't mean to use her death as a crutch; i think this is one of the first times i've really allowed myself to express these feelings. anyway, so i think that's contributed to my decision to have a less than close relationship. with all the things that are going on with me, i know God will work it all out, but a part of me still questions when it will be and why i have to go through this. i guess i'm just waiting for the time when life overall is good again because i haven't felt that in a while. when Mr. NRN came to see me in late july, he told me he really felt i'd been depressed since i graduated from Spelman (May '04). at the time i vehemently opposed this given all the other stuff that he said and did during his visit. but, you know, not that i'm not as emotional, i see that he may have a point. even though i think he's an ass now, i haven't always felt this way. we did talk nearly every day for a few years. so, if anyone would know about my disposition, he would. then again, i'm not sure if i buy into that. then again, perhaps i'm just in denial.
on a bright note, i may not have to make my car payment next month. well, at least not the full amount. when i checked my mail today, i got a letter from Chrysler Financial. They have this holiday thing where for one month during the holiday season i can opt to just pay the finance charge and extend my payment term by one month. the thing is that the letter came sometime last month and the offer was intended for last month's payment. so, i'm not sure if i can get this month's payment deferred. when i called to check and see if the offer was still valid, the recorded message said the offer was for the holiday season. well, it's still the holiday season, so i hope i'm still good! however, since the office is closed over the weekend, i can't talk to a real person until Monday morning. but, my hope is that if i can get the payment deferred, it will free up a great deal of money next month.
if you made it to the end of this post, congratulations! ;-) this one was longer than usual, but, you know, i had a lot on my mind.